Film is Pwn

Apparently this is a real movie and this is a real trailer - I’d describe it, but I don’t think words exist to summarize this.  Be forewarned, it’s not a “approved for all audiences,” though the graphic violence is so cheesy all but the most sensitive will not be offended by it, methinks: (more…)

Timecop is the masterpiece of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s action oeuvre . . . which doesn’t say that much.

The science fiction device in the case of Timecop is, obviously, invading alien hordes with watermelons for heads who can only be stopped by kickboxing.  I kid, of course. Timecop is about time travel.  For those of you hoping the topic would be “raptors,” let’s hope Mr. Van Damme signs on to my latest project, “Kickboxer vs. Raptors on Vampire Mountain.”  We’re still in preliminary negotiations with Van Damme; Ron Howard is attached to direct.

I actually like Timecop — hopefully that doesn’t cost me what little credibility I’ve built up the past few months.  Is it’s plot hole-free or it’s pseudo-movie-science logically sound?  No, of course not, I can’t believe you asked me that . . . moron. (more…)

The latest effort from our friends at The Asylum, Transmorphers: The Fall of Man is the long awaited prequel to their 2007 film Transmorphers (well, “long awaited” by those of us at Film Is Pwn HQ at least).  For those who don’t remember the movie or, at the very least, my very amusing blog on the film,  Transmorphers told the never-before-revealed,  true story of a post-robot apocalypse Earth and its band of underground, community theater reject/freedom fighters, which bore more of a resemblance to the Matrix franchise than the actual Transformers film.  At that point, the Asylum special effects were basically a joke, and not even like the good jokes, they were more like the joke you heard that you thought was really funny but you couldn’t remember how it went so you totally gave away the punch line in the set-up and no one was even sure which part was supposed to be funny — that’s how bad the special effects were!  The monstrous, killer robots were about half as convincing as stop-motion creatures comprised entirely of Legos, and probably took about as long to construct. (more…)

When I was a kid way back in this decade we used to call the 80s, my two favorite cartoon shows were GI Joe and Transformers.  So the 2007 blockbuster was not just a fun, action movie with transforming robots, it was a huge nostalgia trip for me.  Just hearing the voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) gave me goosebumps in the theater, and Transformers ranks as one of my Top 10 favorite theatrical experiences.

Since the original made enough money to buy all the energon cubes you’d ever need, now it’s sequel time.  And Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is more than just a sequel, it is basically an extension of the 2007 blockbuster Transformers, for better or worse.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn’t as good, in my opinion, because it’s not as fresh, fun, and surprising as the original movie.  Still, I liked this movie and had a lot of fun.
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I wasn’t a Michael Jackson fan, so news of the death of “The King of Pop” did not devastate me at all, beyond the fact that a fellow human being had died.  Of course, in the last 48 hours it’s been hard to have a conversation with friends or at the office without Jackson coming up, and I generally tried to avoid mentioning that I’d never watched a Jackson video, bought a cd of his, or listened to a song of his that didn’t play in some public venue.  (I grew up listening pretty much exclusively to Christian bands like White Heart, Petra, Degarmo & Key, etc., and heck, I still listen to those guys!)

As annoying as the media coverage and frustrating as the post-mortem Michael merchandise bonanza has been, I had no intention of posting anything here about Jackson’s tragic death until I came across a great piece by columnist Jonah Goldberg on the National Review website.  Goldberg sums up the celebrity culture, media spin, and what’s really important far better than I could.  Check out the article here.

In a mega-rare occurrence for me, I attended live theater over the weekend.  (For those unaware, ”live theater” is kind of like a movie, except instead of watching a screen, you are watching actual human beings on a stage performing the action right in front of you.  Amazing, I know!)

Rest assured, even though I’ve attended my first local stage production, I did not get any more cultured, as the play I saw was Evil Dead: The Musical, presented by Actor’s Theatre of Charlotte.
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The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is, if you pardon the obsolete and thoroughly inappropriate jargon, a darn, tootin’ good thriller, a change-up from the usual Summer blockbuster, franchise spawning, comic book based, TV show adapted, mega special effects extravaganza.  Don’t misunderstand me, there’s a big budget here complete with gunfire and big ol’ car crashes and big stars — they don’t get much bigger than Denzel Washington — but attraction here is the story and the interplay between the antagonist and protagonist.

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For those new to the site, Asylum Studios specializes in making low-budget movies along similar themes to big budget movies with questionably similar titles, and releasing them on DVD in conjunction with the big budget release.  As Transmorphers was to Transformers, I Am Omega is to the 2007 Will Smith blockbuster I Am Legend.

Not unlike its cinematic forebearers, I Am Omega involves an individual who is seemingly the last survivor of a worldwide plague that turned at least some of its victims into zombies.  Our hero is Richard, perhaps an homage to the classic author Richard Matheson who wrote the novel “I Am Legend”.  To fully appreciate the cheekiness of dubbing the knock-off “I Am Omega,” you must know the previous incarnation of the Matheson tome was the Omega Man starring Charlton Heston.  (And before that was VIncent Price in The Last Man on Earth, which I happen to think was the best adaptation, but that’s just me.)  Sadly the filmmakers couldn’t complete their vision and find a dude named Smill With to play the “Last Legendary Omega Man Who I Am”, so they settled on Mark Dacascos, star of Kickboxer 5.  And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, the best Kickboxer movie was Kickboxer 5, though we all have high hopes for Kickboxer vs. Cardio Boxer.
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I’ve never heard of this movie, but I may have to get a copy, if for no other reason than to enjoy this hi-larious riffing from the crew at Rifftrax.  Enjoy this wee little sample:
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The latest film from noted disaster film maker Roland Emmerich, 2012.  Of course, when I say that Roland is a “noted disaster film maker,” I mean that “it has been noted that Roland Emmerich’s films are total disasters.”  The man has been gradually devolving in terms of film quality from the pretty doggone good Stargate, to the initially entertaining than gradually frustrating Independence Day, to the just plain wretched Godzilla (1998) remake, to the so bad it’s funny Day After Tomorrow (2004), to the abominable cave man action film 10,000 B.C.

Like most the rest of Roland’s canon, in 2012 it appears the Earth faces annihilation from an ancient Mayan prediction.  Scared yet?  Keep your eye out for the new way they’ve figured out how to destroy the White House,  soaked with implausible, hilarious irony:

Coming June 30th from our friends at the Asylum, is the prequel to Transmorphers, Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man. Can this possibly top the last Asylum outing, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus? Not a chance, but I’m looking forward to this anyway:

Last week’s big DVD release, the International, is an ideal renter - it’s a good thriller worth watching once.  I’m glad I saw it, enjoyed watching it, but I doubt I’ll have the inclination to check it out when it enters the endless cable movie channel cycle in a few months.

Clive Owen stars as an idealistic INTERPOL agent doggedly pursuing a cutthroat, all-powerful, all-knowing, and downright dastardly bank that essentially rules the known world.  Anyone who talks to our hero either on the record or off the record winds up dead, the latest victim offers the investigation a lead into the bank’s favorite hitman, or, as they like to call him, their “consultant.”  Next time my company brings in a “consultant,” I’m going to have to watch my mouth with him, just in case we’re turning into an evil conglomerate bent on world domination . . .
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