Film is Pwn

For lovers of cheesy low-budget flicks, the SyFy Channel is debuting Dinoshark tonight at 9 pm Eastern.  Trailer below: (more…)

Why, apparently she believes one of their commercials featuring a baby named “Lindsay” who is called a “Milk-a-holic” is libel and everyone thinks of Lindsay Lohan when they hear the name “Lindsay.”  Huh.  The funny thing is, most folks didn’t associate the ad with Lindsay Lohan’s lamentable personal problems . . . until now. For that matter, most of us forgot about this little Superbowl commercial and put it out of our minds . . . until now. The article is here.  Click more if you’d like to see the SHOCKING commercial that has spawned a lawsuit that I truly hope will get laughed out of court very quickly: (more…)

Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale begins with narration that sets the table: “You all know the lovely old legend of Beauty and the Beast. . . I’m telling you that what really happened was far, FAR more terrifying than anything the storytellers ever admitted.” Yes, those fairy tale writers are notorious for their penchant for downplaying fantastic stories.  (In real life, Cinderella was an intergalactic, Amazon warrior who left glass slippers in the eyes of her victims.)

Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale takes place in generic, Middle-Age times in a generic, Middle-Age land.  A generic King lies dying without an heir, and various poseurs, distant relatives, and regal dentists are posturing for the crown.  How did people decide who won things before reality TV dancing and/or singing competitions?  Chicanery, of course.  Evil Count Rudolph (Rhett Giles) plans to increase his kingly stock by capturing the legendary Beast (no relation to Dr. Hank McCoy).

Meanwhile, Belle (Estella Warren), the Washer Woman’s daughter, is wandering the forest looking for herbs to make clothes smell good (not a joke) when she is saved by the mysterious Beast.  Belle promptly shows her gratitude by ratting out his location to Count Rudolph and his henchmen.  Thanks, Belle! (more…)

Check it out here.  Looks pretty doggone cool

Thankfully, I got Best Picture wrong: (more…)

The Academy Awards are tomorrow night, and I will be watching . . . if my legs are broken, the TV is on that channel, and I am unable to reach the remote or successfully gauge my eyes out before the broadcast begins.  But my disinterest in watching red carpets, solipsistic acceptance speeches, millionaires picking their favorite millionaires, etc. won’t stop me from picking the winners:  (more…)

I know a lot of folks don’t care about Tom Cruise because . . . well, you know, the craziness thing, but I really liked number three guided by J.J. Abrams (Alias, Lost, Star Trek [2009]).  And it looks like J.J. is back for # 4, yes, with Cruise.  Abrams says: “We have a really cool idea that we’re playing with and I’m looking forward to that coming to pass  . . . [T]here definitely will be a European presence but there’s a whole crazy story, it’s definitely a jet setting movie.”  Sweet!

. . . Free Willy: Escape From Pirate’s Cove! Within a month of the incident where a female Sea World trainer was drowned by a Killer Whale, a new Free Willy movie comes out: (more…)

Rather than go to the theater and see Benecio Del Toro’s remake Wolf Man (that can wait for the DVD release), I checked out a recent AMC Channel airing of the 1941 original.

Because I’m so squeamish, modern horror films hold little appeal for me.  It’s not that I don’t like being scared from time to time, rather it is just that I hate seeing blood and guts on screen.  “Disgusting” is not the same as “frightening.”  It’s not to say that fright and disgust do not co-exist or are  mutually exclusive.

A man wanders in the woods at night, his path lit by torch, a pistol clutched in his hands as he scans the bushes for sign of Monster.  That’s scary.  The Monster burst out of the woods and pounces at the man, who, in panic, fires his gun too high.  That’s scary.  Five minutes of the Monster devouring victim with a knife and fork as the victim watches his organs used to create a shish kabob.  That’s disgusting. (more…)

This might actually be funny enough to oneday re-watch Titannic (with the Rifftrax commentary, of course):

Imagine a future where you will be able to send an android double to go watch terrible movies like Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan in Cop Out.  That is – sorta – the idea behind Surrogates.

In this near future sci-fi-thriller, humans live life from the comfort of their homes as their robotic stand-ins work, play, and party on their behest.  Still trying to get your head around Surrogates?  Think Avatar except no blue aliens and minus about a billion dollars in box office receipts.

The Surrogates themselves are in some cases idealized representations of humans.  Give me a robot that looks just like me except 50 pounds lighter, perfect hair, toned calves, and literal abs of steel, please!  In other instances, the Surrogate embodies nauseous role-playing.  One attractive blonde Surrogate turns out to be a fat dude living out his own fantasy and my nightmare.  Who hasn’t dreaded finally meeting Ms. Right and discovering that she’s secretly Horatio Sanz?  Just me?  *Sigh* (more…)

James Cameron is working on a prequel to Avatar, his insanely successful blockbuster.  Fortunately, this prequel is going to be a NOVEL.  So none of those distracting visuals just the story, and characters, and . . . uh . . . here’s hoping the cover is pretty.  See the article here.