Film is Pwn

Movies that should be banned by the Geneva Convention, because witnessing these motion pictures feels like torture and forcing another human being to endure them is reprehensible.  The films contained on the Banned By The Geneva Convention list are not the fun bad; these are the painfully bad movies that we feel need to be avoided.  Skip these at all costs:

Gamer (2009)  A near future thriller in the vein of 2008’s dreadful Death Race, but only far, far worse.  Gamer is intended to appeal to the video gamer crowd and take first person shooters and role-playing games to a whole new level, but . . . it fails.  From what I understand, Gamer is even testing poorly with screenings shown only to amoebas. <DJR>

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)  I can’t precisely recollect the exact moment this film gave me a headache, but I think it was either 1) when the heroine Chun-Li progresses through her childhood and changes ethnicities as she is portrayed by differently aged actresses; 2) The first appearance of Michael Clarke Duncan, officially signaling the end of his career; or 3) When the villain Bison disembowels his pregnant wife to obtain vague, undefined mystical powers.  Just to give you an idea of how much I hated Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li,  I want to punch the movie repeatedly in the face, tie it up in my closet, feed it bread and water for months, and only let it out to watch Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace . . . not the whole movie, just the scenes with Jar Jark Binks in an endless loop until the movie begged me for death.  This mindless kung fu action flick is actually so bad it made Jean-Claude Van Damme’s 1994 trainwreck Street Fighter look like Academy Award bait.  <DJR>

Sex-Pot (2009)  The Asylum’s attempt at an unrateable stoner comedy with plenty of nudity, drug references, and masturbation jokes.  I love the Asylum’s fun/bad sci-fi epics like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but this was unwatchable.  <DJR>

Rollerball (2002)   Perhaps the single dumbest action film – a genre that has produced its fair share of head scratchers – but also makes the fatal mistake of not entertaining the audience in the process.  This film is based around a insipid, “extreme” future sport that the filmmakers seemingly counted on being exciting in its own right.  It’s not.  Rollerball is staggeringly from the director of Die Hard and features multiple quality performers (Ice Cube, Rebecca Romjin, Jean Reno, Naveen Andrews) but they look resigned to humiliation, and you can almost see them wonder if the paycheck was really worth it. <DJR>

Taking Lives (2004) Taking Lives is the story of a sexy FBI profiler (aren’t they all?) played by Angelina Jolie who is pursuing a Canadian serial killer whose modus operandi is that he assumes the lives of his victims.  Kiefer Sutherland is the obvious red herring, in a role that requires nothing but looking intimidating and occasionally standing and running; in other words, it’s the one role that even Jerry O’Connell could have pulled off — well, except for the “looking intimidating” part.  Taking Lives is one of those dark thrillers that mistakes being dull, violent, and depressing with a laugher of a twist ending for being “edgy.” <DJR>

Man-Thing (2005)  The worst comic book movie ever made?  This low-budget, wannabe “stylish” pseudo-horror flick has low aspirations, and doesn’t even come close to meeting those.  The only objective achieved was incorporating the color green early and often in the color palette.  Read my full review of it here. <DJR>

Next (2007) Nicolas Cage plays a two-bit magician that can see into the not-too distant future and finds himself doggedly pursued by shady government agents who want to use his abilities to prevent an impending terrorist attack.  The only emotional investment I had in the film while watching is was vainly hoping that leading lady Jessica Biel would not fall for Nicolas Cage, who is two decades her senior.  If the screenwriter could have seen the audience’s reaction to the film’s ending, he probably would have come up with something else.  And for those who haven’t seen Next and are thinking about watching it, I have seen the future and let me held you from preventing a total waste of time. <DJR>

88 Minutes (2008)  – Not only does 88 Minutes permanently stain Al Pacino’s career – which has seen a lot of high highs and low lows (anyone remember The Recruit? Simone?) – this clunky, pointless thriller runs over 100 minutes!!!! <DJR>

Femme Fatale (2002) Rebecca Romjin as the titular femme fatale in a sexy thriller directed by Brian de Palma?  I like action movies, I like thrillers, I like Rebecca Romjin, but I couldn’t make it through this insipid little movie, and caution anyone out there foolish enough to try. <DJR>

Ultraviolet (2006)/Aeon Flux (2005) Both are futuristic, unrealistic, and craptastic science fiction films were a attractive female anti-hero must save the world from itself, or something to that effect.  One has Milla Jovovich, the other has Charlize Theron.  I saw both movies and even I can neither discern between the two films, tell you which gorgeous lady appeared in which movie, or figure out which one I hated more. <DJR>

Redacted (2007) If you hate America and want to see a gritty, ugly movie shot with handheld cameras a la Blair Witch but instead of a mysterious monster it presents the American troops, committing atrocities against innocent Iraqis as monsters, this one’s for you!  Besides being an unpatriotic hatchet job on U.S. soldiers, this isn’t entertaining on any level.  <DJR>

The Seeker (2007) is a profoundly stupid entry into the fantasy genre, combining “haven’t we seen this before?” elements of Eragon and the incompetent action of In the Name of the King. It’s impossible to root for the dull hero, care about the asinine mythology, or fear the lame villain. The cinematography attempts to divert your attention from the movie with countless arty shots that succeed only in making the Seeker unwatchable.

National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers – the consensus worst movie Film Is Pwn has EVER seen.

Constantine (2005): Keanu Reeves plays the title character, a damned soul seeking redemption by hunting various evil forces on earth. The concept is interesting, and that’s the only compliment the film deserves. It’s dark, dreary, and difficult to watch. I found Constantine to be a black hole of entertainment, impossible to enjoy as either legitimate fun or even on the fun/bad level. Considering it has Academy Award winners Tilda Swinton, Djimon Hounsou, and Rachel Weisz in the cast, that’s quite an appalling feat. <LDO>

Envy (2004): Jack Black and Ben Stiller team-up and prove neither man is funny without quality material. Black invents a spray that gets rid of dog crap (“vapoorizer”), gets rich, and Stiller is his increasingly envious neighbor. In a criminal waste of talent, the wonderful actress Rachel Weisz plays Stiller’s wife whereas the brilliant comedienne Amy Poehler is Black’s wife. The only person who gets a chuckle is Christopher Walken in a bizarre supporting role, but that’s not enough to keep this movie from being banned. <LDO>

Men in Black II (2002): The original film was something fresh and new, fun and full of charm. The sequel is a wretched retread, criminally wasting the time of its stars (Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones). The only reason Men In Black II exists is because Men In Black I made a lot of money.

Charlie’s Angel II: Full Throttle (2005): See the above critique of Men In Black II; slightly reduce without eliminating the enthusiastic praise of the entertaining original film; and insert the names of Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, and Bernie Mac in the cast, and you have my feelings toward this most redundant, unnecessary sequel. <DJR>

Resident Evil (2002): I had forgotten this movie existed until I read Roger Ebert’s review in the fantastic, insightful compilation of negative movie reviews, Your Movie Sucks. I saw this brainless, video game turned shoot ‘em up zombie movie in theaters feeling fine. I left with a headache. Spare yourself. Thanks for stirring up those memories, Roger. <DJR>

Pearl Harbor (2001): An hour and a half version of Pearl Harbor could be enjoyable, but at three hours this is pitilessly elongated. The Japanese’s vicious attack on Pearl Harbor takes the backseat to the Ben Affleck-Josh Hartnett-Kate Beckinsale love triangle. The subsequent Doolittle raid on Tokyo then overshadows the “day that will live in infamy” because, as my brother pointed out, a movie about Pearl Harbor couldn’t end with the Americans LOSING.  <DJR>

Hudson Hawk (1991): This is an unwatchable vanity project starring Bruce Willis that goes for whimsy but instead delivers agony.  Willis plays singing, ex-con burglar “the Hudson Hawk” who gets caught up in a Leonardo da Vinci conspiracy theory actually more ridiculous than the Da Vinci Code.  Sandra Bernhard redefines annoying as a villainess, though there’s not a lot of room on screen for anything other than the smugness of Bruce Willis.  There’s no reason to root for the Hudson Hawk unless you absolutely adore Bruce Willis.  There’s no reason to watch this train wreck unless you are a masochist. <DJR>

Babel (2006): As described in the first Film.ispwn podcast, Babel is an Academy Award nominated “great” movie that is so depressing, so miserable, and so difficult to watch it’s almost impossible to believe that people bothered to make it and that critics loved it. <DJR>

- Alexander (2004): Oliver Stone’s epic is trying to be something similar to Gladiator, but it fails.  No matter how many edited versions are released, they’re all terrible.  The script is flat, the performances are bland at best, and the whole piece is virtually unwatchable.  Most the film is in focus, that’s pretty much the only nice thing I can say about this. (DJR)

- Double Jeopardy (1999): If you like tired cliches, this movie is for you!  Ashley Judd stars as a happy housewife who is falsely convicted of murdering her husband (Bruce Greenwood) and turns into a stone cold action hero when she learns hubby faked his death and framed her.  Of course, since Judd has already been convicted of murdering the man she can’t be tried for the crime again so she escapes to kill him for real!  Double Jeopardy is strangely both absurd and predictable.  Perhaps its most offensive that it utterly wastes the talents of Tommy Lee Jones in what is essentially an extended, unnecessary supporting role. <DJR>

- Town & Country (2001): A big budget, big cast (Warren Beatty, Diane Keaton, Charlton Heston, and Goldie Hawn among others) comedy hit so terrible Kevin Murphy dedicated an entire chapter of his book A Year At the Movies to how he hated it.  Among Murphy’s comments about the characters in the movie: “We do not care about these people . . . they are unpleasant, self-obsessed, and amoral.  They are spoiled, they are evil, they are worthless to us.” Take his word for it.<DJR>

- Anamorph (2008): A miserable movie about a serial killer who uses his victims’ corpses to paint his “masterpieces.”  Anamorph is depressing, grotesque, and excruciating. <DJR>

- Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002): Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas are rival secret agents opposing each other in this travesty that opposes entertainment at every turn.  I’m a huge fan of silly, pointless action movies, but I couldn’t make it through this train wreck. <DJR>

- Wing Commander (1999): A sci-fi flick that tries to be hip and cool and fails miserably.  It’s so insipid and idiotic it can’t be enjoyed at any level.  This holds the distinction of being the first movie I walked out of in theaters. <DJR>

- Ready to Rumble (2000): A wrestling comedy starring David Arquette as one of two huge wrestling fans.  It’s a film marketed to wrestling fans (which I am) that does nothing but insult the intelligence of wrestling fans. Perhaps the greatest insult to wrestling fans is that during the publicity push of the film, the world renowned wrestling company WCW allowed skinny non-wrester David Arquette to win their championship (to his credit, Arquette — a lifelong wrestling fan — was against the idea backstage but agreed to it for the sake of the movie). Not surprisingly, WCW was bankrupt of ideas at this point and went out of business less than a year later. <DJR>