I bet reading the title of this post you wondered to yourself, what kind of person would be so excited about this that they would put an exclamation point at the end? The answer is anyone who has been attending popular cinema over the last 10 years (and assorted nerds such as myself). The BBC Reports that filming will begin in July in New Zealand with Guillermo del Toro directing, Peter Jackson producing, and Sir Ian McKellan reprising his role as Gandalf the Grey. The only real news for those who have been following this is that a date has been set for filming to begin, however it does make one wonder

about the cast. With only a few months until shooting begins, it is hard to imagine that most if not all of the big roles have been cast. Lets assume that Cate Blanchett, Andy Serkis & Hugo Weaving all reprise their roles from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. That leaves a number of key roles that must be filled, and of course the Internet is full of rumors, such as:

Ron Pearlman will portray Thorin – Quite possible considering his previous work with del Toro, and not a bad choice in my opinion.

David Tennant will portray Bilbo Baggins – Not one I would have come up with (article here), and seemingly based on him being in the same room with Peter Jackson at one point, and a Simon Pegg tweet but Tennant is a hot commodity now, and being already part of the Harry Potter films and the greatest Doctor ever certainly make this rumor appealing.

James McAvoy – Rumors are swirling that Mr. Tumnus will play a large role in the film, but no character is linked to him. McAvoy has also landed a voice role in the upcoming Gnomeo and Juliet. Just Saying.

Daniel Roos as Beorn – Film is Pwn’s own Daniel Roos is a lock for the role of Beorn, and creature who can transform from a man to a bear.

Any other rumors or hearsay? Please post them…

The original Jaws is an all-time classic; it was the original Summer blockbuster that made oodles of money, put director Steven Spielberg on the map, and made chubby kids like me who swim like lame seals afraid to go in the water for fear of giant Great White Sharks.  Perhaps the only downside to Jawsis they forgot to kill off the fearsome beast at the end so that studio executives could not green light lame sequels.  Oh wait, I forgot, star Roy Scheider DID kill off the shark, blowing up the doggone thing in rather convincing fashion so that what was once the terror of the oceans became but mere chum for passing minnows.

But there is no such thing as a conclusive, definitive death in film, not when money can be made, just ask Jason Vorhees, Freddy Kruger, Spock, and John Travolta’s career.

Roy Scheider had the good sense to not sign on for Jaws 4, which I would like to attest to Roy’s integrity in refusing to taint the purity of the original.  However, Roy appeared not only in Jaws 2 without Spielberg’s involvement but also the sad sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey without Stanley Kubrick, I guess they just didn’t offer the man enough money.  But Scheider’s on-screen wife from the first two Jaws, Lorraine Gary, returns to play Ellen Brody, now widow of Scheider’s Sheriff Brody.  How is Sheriff Brody’s death explained in Jaws 4?  With this little gem of dialogue between Ellen and her marine biologist son, Michael (Lance Guest):

Michael: “Dad died of a heart attack!”
Ellen Brody: “No. He died from fear. Fear of that shark!”

Yes, Sheriff Brody died from sheer terror at the thought he might at any point be eaten by a large shark he’d managed to kill on two separate occasions.  You know, a lot of us are justifiably afraid of sharks, though few of us are sweating them while munching down on a Big Montana at the local Arbys.  Some shark-o-phobics choose to take silly precautionary measures like not going in the ocean or — and I’m just spit-balling here, folks — moving to Harcourt, Iowa.  Harcourt, Iowa is not only the hometown of my late, Great Grandmother Roos it also is tied with approximately 28,187 other cities in America for fewest shark attacks on its citizenry.  (If not for that tragic incident on I-485 last year involving a curious motorcyclist who drove too close to that Sea World tanker, my hometown of Charlotte, NC would be on that list as well.)  And if living 1,000 miles from the ocean isn’t enough to assuage your fears, just carry some of that “Shark Repellent Bat-Spray” at all times and you’re good to go.  Take it from me, my Shark Repellent Bat-Spray has come in handy on more than one potentially tragic occasion.

Trudging along to the story, Ellen’s youngest son is now a deputy and is lured out to the ocean by a tampered buoy (implying that the shark must have been a master saboteur during the Great War).  The shark eats the youngest son, and Mom bizarrely jumps to the correct conclusion that it’s the shark that has tormented her family ever since her late husband killed it that first time.  Look for a great scene where Mom is given her dead child’s possessions by a deputy, and those possessions include the kid’s GUN.  Just what a grieving, paranoid, unlicensed widow needs.

Older brother Michael takes grieving Mom with him back home to the Bahamas, where she can get her mind off paranoid fantasies that a serial killer/shark is targeting her entire family on a tiny island, which, like the majority of tiny islands, is surrounded by water.

Ever versatile, the shark is not simply a master saboteur but also a accomplished tracker capable of following the Brody clan from Massachusetts to the Bahamas based off of their scent.  The shark’s sense of smell must be really strong to catch their scent while they travel via plane.  Or perhaps ol’ Jaws has an informant (I never trusted that pet goldfish!) feeding him inside information.

Just to make sure that no one in the audience could possibly suspect that we’re just dealing with a hungry shark, Jaws casually swims by Michael’s delicious friend (Mario Van Peebles) – walking on the ocean floor marinated in tasty, zesty barbecue sauce — in order to try to make Michael who is sitting safely on a large boat,  his next victim.  Michael is understandably stunned at the possibility his crazy mom is right about the shark that has a vendetta against their family, just as he was surprised to learn that if you .

In all this, as Michael’s anxiety increases, Mom’s abates as she romances local gambler/pilot, Michael Caine.  Caine’s participation is so inconsequential that other than providing cinema some much needed senior citizen seduction scenes, it is only worth mentioning for two memorable events, one on-screen and one off.  The first is the classic scene where Caine’s character nearly evades getting eaten by the shark as his plane submerges, but Caine survives and pulls himself up onto a boat 100% DRY.  The second is the fact that Caine was unavailable to accept his Academy Award for Hannah & Her Sisters because he was busy filming Jaws 4.  Interesting historical fact: Jaws 4 did not win any Academy Awards.

The film’s side-slapping finale sees Mom, upon realizing that the shark will not stop and not wanting to inconvenience her loved ones with a landlocked life, steals her son’s boat and sails into the ocean, presumably to sacrifice herself to the shark or maybe she intended to engage in mortal kombat.  Shark versus Golden Girl, now that’s a T-shirt someone should make!  Sadly, we don’t get the ultimate showdown, as Mom’s son, boyfriend, and son’s friend show up and gang up on the shark, blowing him up . . . again.

Strangely, during the showdown, there are flashbacks to Roy Scheider killing the shark in the first film (you know, the good one).  This is particularly bizarre because none of the participants in this particular shark-destruction installment, so there is only one conclusion: Jaws is nostalgically reminiscing about his own demise before being undone by his arch-nemesis’ widow.  If you don’t buy that, try this one on for size: Jaws 4: The Revenge is one of the dumbest films ever made and given a wide release. 

But, since it’s hideousness succeeded in curtailing the Jaws-sequel machine, we do owe it some gratitude.  So, thank you, Jaws 4: The Revenge, for being so bad. 

(With that said, Im sure it is only a matter of time before Tim Burton decides to remake Jaws, casting Johnny Depp as the shark.)

Graves was a fine actor and was quite memorable as the pilot from the spoofest Airplane!  “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”

Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale takes place in generic, Middle-Age times in a generic, Middle-Age land.  A generic King lies dying without an heir, and various poseurs, distant relatives, and regal dentists are posturing for the crown.  How did people decide who won things before reality TV dancing and/or singing competitions?  Chicanery, of course.  Evil Count Rudolph (Rhett Giles) plans to increase his kingly stock by capturing the legendary Beast (no relation to Dr. Hank McCoy).

Meanwhile, Belle (Estella Warren), the Washer Woman’s daughter, is wandering the forest looking for herbs to make clothes smell good (not a joke) when she is saved by the mysterious Beast.  Belle promptly shows her gratitude by ratting out his location to Count Rudolph and his henchmen.  Thanks, Belle!

Rudolph and his mirthless men come across a creature that proceeds to slaughter a good number of them, and presume it is said Beast.  But it is in fact a crappy, digital troll.  The troll was unleashed by requisite witch Lady Helen (Vanessa Gray), who also happens to be responsible for Beast’s curse and has eyes for Rudolph.

Belle initially believes the Beast to be murderous a beast, but is rather easily convinced this is not the case by affable Sherriff Otto (Tony Bellette), who raised the Beast since he was a little Beastling.

With Otto incapacitated for plot convenience purposes, Belle goes to the suspected mass murdering monster without a specific purpose.  Semi-true to legend, Beast is less than hospitable, and tosses Belle in a makeshift, easily escapable bamboo cell that he has prepared for no particular reason.  After escaping the minimum security, honor-system jail, Belle opts to help the Beast.  Why?  There’s no time for explanation, I have to begin a new paragraph!

Beast has an uncanny knack for showing up after the troll kills people, and being seen as the guilty party.  So prone is Beast to framing himself for the troll’s deeds that I must speculate that either the dimwitted troll is a genius or Beast is a moron.  Perhaps the Beast is a direct ancestor to Jessica Fletcher.  The THIRD time Beast bursts onto the scene only to be discovered with the troll’s victims, Belle’s mother is the corpse and Beast is taken prisoner remarkably easily.

Before Rudolph can execute Beast, he is persuaded by Sheriff Otto to uphold the King’s Law and give Beast a fair trial by jury.  Again, I’m not kidding.  So Rudolph dutifully provides over a trial for a freakish Beast with a jury of panicky villagers as Belle plots a rescue.  Oh, how I wish I could make this stuff up.

Like most women in the Middle-Ages, Belle is supermodel gorgeous with perfect hair, lips, and makeup at all times.  It’s amazing how great those legs look even after scaling a castle wall and spending a night in a tree.  Belle is clad in an immodest pink dress complete with leather bustier, which may not be true for the period, but it sure helps keep the kids from changing the channel.

As for things that made me want to change the channel, the Beast (Victor Parascos) looks like a Trekkie whose homemade Worf costume did not come out quite right.  The legend calls for a hideous monster living in tortured isolation in a cursed castle.  What we have here in Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale is a guy with scraggly hair and a luchador mask living in a shack who is no more intimidating than your average waiter at Chili’s.  Beauty & The Beast, it’s more like Supermodel & Robin Williams. *shudder*

The only time I ever watched the Disney animated classic Beauty & the Beast, I was with several small children who loved the film.  I recall their reaction  to the conclusion when the witch’s curse is broken and the Beast transforms into his handsome prince self: “Eww!  He’s ugly!”  The Beast being unbeastified was a sad ending from their perspective.

At the risk of providing spoilers (oh, retroactive spoiler warnings for the previous paragraph, by the way) a similar event happens in the low-budget Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale.  While this Beast is by no means handsome, being a poor man’s Klingon, the human self is in fact hideously ugly.  Also amusing is that the tattered garments the beast is wearing at the time of the decursening become Kingly robes.  Huzzah!

Best Picture – The Hurt Locker
Best Actor – Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Actress – Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Director – Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress – Mo’Nique, Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
Best Original Screenplay – Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay – Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
Best Cinematography – Mauro Fiore, Avatar
Best Editing – The Hurt Locker
Best Art Direction – Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair, Avatar
Best Costume Design – Sandy Powell, The Young Victoria
Best Makeup – Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow, Star Trek
Best Original Score – Michael Giacchino, Up
Best Original Song – “The Weary Kind,” Crazy Heart, T-Bone Burnett & Ryan Bingham
Best Sound Mixing – The Hurt Locker
Best Sound Editing – The Hurt Locker
Best Visual Effects – Avatar
Best Animated Feature – Up