Odds are you will not be seeing any new updates here, all new blog posts will be at SnarkCriticPop.com.   Hopefully in a day or two I’ll have my thoughts up at SnarkCriticPop.com on the Asylum’s most awesomest movie ever, Mega Piranha.

Starring: Klinton Spilsbury, Michael Horse, Christopher Lloyd, Jason Robards
Directed By: William A. Fraker

I think that whoever proposed re-launching the Lone Ranger franchise with 1981’s The Legend of the Lone Rangerhad a good idea. Of course, the path to bankruptcy is paved with good ideas.  New Coke was a good idea . . . if people liked the product.   Parents and grandparents grew up with the iconic Old West hero the Lone Ranger on TV or on radio.  Presumably those parental units would be excited to take their little consumers to the theater to enjoy a family friendly, PG adventure featuring the Lone Ranger.  On the drawing board it was so great: We’ll have old fashioned stunt work, horses, clearly defined heroes and villains, a moral and upright protagonist with a clear sense of right and wrong, and it’ll be awesome!  Oh, it all looked so promising.

Here is where the idea goes flying horribly off the track: Every single element after the green light ranging from casting to script to filming to catering.  The Legend of the Lone Ranger does not meander toward the wretched film abyss, it gallops blindfolded straight into the hall of awful at a brisk gallop shouting “Hi yo, Silver!” all the way to the bottom of that gorge of film infamy.

The trademark catchphrase spoken of the Lone Ranger is, “Who was that masked man?”  The Legend of the Lone Ranger, while presenting an origin story for the Solitary Vigilante, makes answering that query rather tricky.   For you see, the Lone Ranger is played by a handsome fellow who had the great misfortune to be named “Klinton Spilsbury,” who is perfect for the part if all you’re considering are photographs and nothing relating to motion or speech.  Klinton never acted in anything – not even an episode of Charlie’s Angels– before or after this movie, and, to be honest, he really doesn’t act in this movie either.  So convinced were the filmmakers by the star power of their choice for the face of the franchise that Klinton Spilsbury’s dialogue is dubbed by another actor (James Keech).  Who is that Masked Ventriloquist Dummy?  Some guy named Klinton. 

The film’s story itself is innocuous; It’s the 19th century in olde time Texas where, John Reid (Klinton or Keech, take your pick), future lonely ranger, is an all around decent fellow, remarkable only in his decency.  As a boy he saves future sidekick Tonto from bandits who then kill his folks.  John grows up to become a lawyer who comes back to the frontier and joins his brother, a Texas Ranger, on a posse hunting some outlaws.  All the Rangers including big brother are wiped out thanks to a traitor in their midst except John, the lone surviving ranger. 

John is nursed back to health by Tonto, then opts to don a mask and seek out his revenge against the traitor and the villain Cabendish (Christopher Lloyd).  Why exactly a mask is necessary is unclear; John’s only family in the area happens to be dead and he just got to the area, he unsuccessfully courted a lady who left at the first sign of danger, and has no friends. Perhaps the mask isn’t for anonymity but just for fun?

Although the story is generic and predictable, the four screenwriters decided that a narrator was necessary to add pithy, rhyming commentary.  And it’s not just a mere narrator, it’s a “balladeer,” performed by no less than THE Merle Haggard, who I’m not familiar with but assume is famous and popular.  Incessantly throughout the movie we get inane rhymes like, “And Tonto recognized John Reid by the amulet that he wore. But John had once saved Tonto’s life, so this evened up the score.”  Thanks for that, Balladeer, you really cleared things up for me! 

The narration drones on so frequent and so random I almost expected to hear Merle Haggard chime in when the heroes are riding to the rescue with something like, “They we’re riding hard, willing to do whatever it’d take.  The Masked Man was getting sleepy while Tonto’s butt ached.”

Perhaps I’ll take advantage of the services of the balladeer in describing the master plan of the heinous villain.   Take it away, Merle: “So, Cabendish had pulled it off.  Vanished without firing a shot. The masked man and Tonto had to move fast and ride while his trail was still hot.  They didn’t know what he intended to do.  But the life at stake was President Grant’s.  Perhaps Butch would hold him. Perhaps Butch would kill him. They just couldn’t take that chance.”

I dare you to read that sentence aloud to a fellow human being and not laughing.  Try it — it cannot be done.

Yes, President Ulysses S. Grant (Jason Robards) is the Executive in Distress, requiring rescuing from the Lone Ranger.

There is a love interest for the Lone Ranger, though she ships out at the halfway mark of the film for her safety and never returns to play the damsel in distress.  Even more peculiar is that the Lone Ranger has more trouble courting his horse Silver than he does the lady, and he seems more interested in the horse, too.  I present you this observation without further comment and leave you to draw your own conclusion.

If I had to say something nice about The Legend of the Lone Ranger, it would be that you get to hear the William Tell Overture approximately 1034 times.  (Not a lot of people know that The William Tell Overture was used as the theme song for the Lone Ranger prior to going on to greater fame as the little ditty played to motivate baseball groundskeepers as they scramble to repair the field during the seventh inning stretch.)

“You are not right. I can prove it. Write to me in PM.
I have a joke for you =) What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.”

We love the terrible jokes, but I am especially interested in how they intend to prove Memento is not my favorite movie of all-time.  Is there some mathematically formula that scientifically, beyond a shadow of a doubt, guarantees that I somehow adore Burn After Reading? *shudder*

As an added bonus, here’s another spam today from Lawrence Oso’s review of the Day the Earth Stood Still:

“Damn!!!

2 days ago I received a answering message from xxxxxx0600 and I thought the caller was a scammer.

I decided to file a complaint with the police and screamed at the top of my lungs.

Check this out… Gulf Coast Western -an Oil drilling corporation- called me back was returning a call from last months interview – telling me I got the job

Any advice or help on how I can fix the complaint – and get the job???”

Perhaps I’ll start an advice column for just this kind of problem.  Ask the Roos, we’ll call it, we will.  This dude’s job offer/complaint problem is NOTHING compared to the time I scheduled dates with two different women different restaurants on the same night!  Oh, the shenanigans!

Clash of the Titans is the tale of Greek gods, demigods, Pegasuses, harpies, a few men thrown in for good measure, and a horde of giant scorpions capable of being domesticated and ridden like ponies. 

Perseus (Sam Worthington) is a demigod (half-man, half-god) the less than legitimate son of Zeus (Liam Neeson).   (A king was marching against the gods, so Zeus tricked his queen into sleeping with the Zeus-meister to get revenge; Perseus was born as a result of that union and he and Mom were promptly tossed into the ocean.  Good job, Zeus!)  Unaware of his origins, Perseus is raised by a kindly fisherman and his family.  When his adopted family is callously killed by god of the Underworld Hades (Ralph Fiennes), Perseus is out for revenge, or something like that. 

The plot is unnecessarily muddled, with city-state incurring the gods’ wrath by ceasing their worship of the gods and attempting to make themselves like gods.  Benevolent Zeus (who is benevolent except when seducing queens) gives in to brother Hades’ demands to unleash evil on the humans and earn their worship in the form of fear.  Hades demands the city-state to sacrifice the beautiful and bland princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) to the gods or else he will unleash the dreaded beast known as The Kraken.  Perseus leads a ragtag group of soldiers, hunters, and Dr. Doom impersonators out to find a way to vanquish the Kraken.

(If someone does a parody of this film, I strongly urge they “release the Kraker!”  And show a monsterous Larry the Cable Guy emerging from the ocean’s depths to unleash havoc.)

 The flashy effects and monsters are neat and all, but there’s no real characters, dialogue, or story to get behind.  Everyone is underdeveloped, the few jokes there are are not funny, and the one character whose motivation is explored, Perseus, is not that interesting.  Perseus, you see, rejects Zeus’ aid and his godly ancestry altogether.  He wants to defeat the Kraken as a man, even if refusing such gifts as Zeus’ shiny, magic sword causes some companions to die. 

If you go see Clash of the Titans, you’re going for the visual effects, most of which were given away in the cool trailer.  Frankly, Avatar blows Clash of the Titans out of the water when it comes to visuals.

I recently started to watch recent DVD releases District 9 and Where the Wild Things Are, and at the halfway point gave up due to disinterest.  I’m not saying either is bad, just I could not be bothered to sit through them as my mind wandered to distant lands where unicorns roam free and magic bears ride them to the Honeycomb Hideout.

Since the Asylum is kind enough to send Film is Pwn HQ advance copies of their DVDs (thanks, Asylum!), I feel somewhat obliged to screen them and write them up.  I feel it is important to provide this up front disclaimer to my review: Watching the Asylum’s latest release 6 Guns felt like homework before I started watching it.  As the film unfolded, it began to feel a tad bit more like I was the subject of a blind, amateur dentist’s first root canal.

I confess that I actually saw 6 Guns last weekend.  I meant to write a review, but it slipped my mind.  I saw the DVD lying before my TV, and stared blankly at the cover for a while.  You know that feeling when you run into someone who looks familiar and you aren’t sure if you went to high school with them?  I had it just yesterday running into a former co-worker who had lost probably 100 pounds since I’d last seen them.  I had that with this movie.  “Hi, Movie, this may sound strange, but . . . I have to ask: Have I watched you yet?”

6 Guns, is a low-budget homage to ye olde school Clint Eastwood Westerns.  Frankly, 6 Guns may be the most utterly unremarkable and forgettable film I’ve ever seen.

If not for the thoroughly uncomfortable scene where a young mother, Selena, is forced to watch her husband and children murdered before being gang raped by outlaws, this would have slipped my mind completely. 

The story is about Selena, who turns to drink and then vengeance on the outlaws who slaughtered her family and left her for dead.  One logistical problem is that the actress who plays the mother, Sage Mears, looks to be in her early 20s, despite her character having a 10 and 12 year old son and a grizzled old, ex-lawman husband. 

Selena’s chance for revenge comes when the Eastwood-clone Bounty Hunter Frank Allison shows up in town.  Frank’s arrival in town is terrific, as approximately 137 different townsfolk tell him in succession how safe he makes them feel when he’s around.  Still, people keep dying.  Good work, Frank!

Frank takes pity on the widow, teaches her to shoot, and eventually they end up in a big shootout with the bad guys.  The end.

Other than the dreadfully uncomfortable rape scene, the one item worth mentioning is how darn much Van Dyke is in this movie.  It was directed by Dick Van Dyke’s grandson, Shane Van Dyke, who also plays one of the villains. Shane’s brother Carey Van Dyke is one of the other villains.

The heroic bounty hunter is played by Shane’s Dad, Barry Van Dyke, who plays the grizzled anti-hero with all the panache of a singing Chimney Sweep.  Barry VD has the most acting chops and experience of the case, seemingly thanks largely to nepotism.  On imdb.com, Barry Van Dyke’s credits are 90% appearance in Van Dyke Patriarch Dick Van Dyke’s long-running murder mystery series, Diagnosis Murder (alias: “Matlock, M.D.“). 

Bottom line, I did not like 6 Guns at all.  My lack of movie enthusiasm may have contributed plus there’s my disgust at the gratuitous rape scene.  6 Guns isn’t nearly good enough to be taken seriously and it is sadly not bad enough to be awesome (a la the Gold Standard of Asylum Movies, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus).

Skip it, I say! 

. . . Here’s hoping Clash of the Titans this weekend will rejuvenate my movie mojo.