Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale takes place in generic, Middle-Age times in a generic, Middle-Age land.  A generic King lies dying without an heir, and various poseurs, distant relatives, and regal dentists are posturing for the crown.  How did people decide who won things before reality TV dancing and/or singing competitions?  Chicanery, of course.  Evil Count Rudolph (Rhett Giles) plans to increase his kingly stock by capturing the legendary Beast (no relation to Dr. Hank McCoy).

Meanwhile, Belle (Estella Warren), the Washer Woman’s daughter, is wandering the forest looking for herbs to make clothes smell good (not a joke) when she is saved by the mysterious Beast.  Belle promptly shows her gratitude by ratting out his location to Count Rudolph and his henchmen.  Thanks, Belle!

Rudolph and his mirthless men come across a creature that proceeds to slaughter a good number of them, and presume it is said Beast.  But it is in fact a crappy, digital troll.  The troll was unleashed by requisite witch Lady Helen (Vanessa Gray), who also happens to be responsible for Beast’s curse and has eyes for Rudolph.

Belle initially believes the Beast to be murderous a beast, but is rather easily convinced this is not the case by affable Sherriff Otto (Tony Bellette), who raised the Beast since he was a little Beastling.

With Otto incapacitated for plot convenience purposes, Belle goes to the suspected mass murdering monster without a specific purpose.  Semi-true to legend, Beast is less than hospitable, and tosses Belle in a makeshift, easily escapable bamboo cell that he has prepared for no particular reason.  After escaping the minimum security, honor-system jail, Belle opts to help the Beast.  Why?  There’s no time for explanation, I have to begin a new paragraph!

Beast has an uncanny knack for showing up after the troll kills people, and being seen as the guilty party.  So prone is Beast to framing himself for the troll’s deeds that I must speculate that either the dimwitted troll is a genius or Beast is a moron.  Perhaps the Beast is a direct ancestor to Jessica Fletcher.  The THIRD time Beast bursts onto the scene only to be discovered with the troll’s victims, Belle’s mother is the corpse and Beast is taken prisoner remarkably easily.

Before Rudolph can execute Beast, he is persuaded by Sheriff Otto to uphold the King’s Law and give Beast a fair trial by jury.  Again, I’m not kidding.  So Rudolph dutifully provides over a trial for a freakish Beast with a jury of panicky villagers as Belle plots a rescue.  Oh, how I wish I could make this stuff up.

Like most women in the Middle-Ages, Belle is supermodel gorgeous with perfect hair, lips, and makeup at all times.  It’s amazing how great those legs look even after scaling a castle wall and spending a night in a tree.  Belle is clad in an immodest pink dress complete with leather bustier, which may not be true for the period, but it sure helps keep the kids from changing the channel.

As for things that made me want to change the channel, the Beast (Victor Parascos) looks like a Trekkie whose homemade Worf costume did not come out quite right.  The legend calls for a hideous monster living in tortured isolation in a cursed castle.  What we have here in Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale is a guy with scraggly hair and a luchador mask living in a shack who is no more intimidating than your average waiter at Chili’s.  Beauty & The Beast, it’s more like Supermodel & Robin Williams. *shudder*

The only time I ever watched the Disney animated classic Beauty & the Beast, I was with several small children who loved the film.  I recall their reaction  to the conclusion when the witch’s curse is broken and the Beast transforms into his handsome prince self: “Eww!  He’s ugly!”  The Beast being unbeastified was a sad ending from their perspective.

At the risk of providing spoilers (oh, retroactive spoiler warnings for the previous paragraph, by the way) a similar event happens in the low-budget Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale.  While this Beast is by no means handsome, being a poor man’s Klingon, the human self is in fact hideously ugly.  Also amusing is that the tattered garments the beast is wearing at the time of the decursening become Kingly robes.  Huzzah!

Best Picture – The Hurt Locker
Best Actor – Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Actress – Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Director – Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress – Mo’Nique, Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
Best Original Screenplay – Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay – Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
Best Cinematography – Mauro Fiore, Avatar
Best Editing – The Hurt Locker
Best Art Direction – Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair, Avatar
Best Costume Design – Sandy Powell, The Young Victoria
Best Makeup – Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow, Star Trek
Best Original Score – Michael Giacchino, Up
Best Original Song – “The Weary Kind,” Crazy Heart, T-Bone Burnett & Ryan Bingham
Best Sound Mixing – The Hurt Locker
Best Sound Editing – The Hurt Locker
Best Visual Effects – Avatar
Best Animated Feature – Up

Best picture

“Avatar” – I think Avatar will win, I’m rooting for Up.
“The Hurt Locker”
“Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
“Up in the Air”
“Inglourious Basterds”
“Up”
“The Blind Side”
“District 9″
“An Education”
“A Serious Man”

Actor

George Clooney, “Up in the Air”
Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart” – Will win
Colin Firth, “A Single Man”
Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”
Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker”

Actress

Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”
Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side” – Will win
Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”
Carey Mulligan, “An Education”

Supporting actor

Matt Damon, “Invictus”
Woody Harrelson, “The Messenger”
Christopher Plummer, “The Last Station”
Stanley Tucci, “The Lovely Bones”
Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds” – Will Win

Supporting actress

Vera Farmiga, “Up in the Air”
Mo’Nique, “Precious” – Will Win
Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”
Penelope Cruz, “Nine”
Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”

Director

Quentin Tarantino, “Inglourious Basterds”
Kathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker”- Will Win
James Cameron, “Avatar”
Lee Daniels, “Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Jason Reitman, “Up in the Air”

Animated feature

“Up” – Will Win
“Coraline”
“Fantastic Mr. Fox”
“The Princess and the Frog”
“The Secret of Kells”

Original screenplay

“The Hurt Locker”
“Inglourious Basterds”
“The Messenger”
“A Serious Man” – Will Win
“Up”

Adapted screenplay

“District 9″
“An Education”
“In the Loop”
“Precious”
“Up in the Air” – Will Win

Because I’m so squeamish, modern horror films hold little appeal for me.  It’s not that I don’t like being scared from time to time, rather it is just that I hate seeing blood and guts on screen.  “Disgusting” is not the same as “frightening.”  It’s not to say that fright and disgust do not co-exist or are  mutually exclusive.

A man wanders in the woods at night, his path lit by torch, a pistol clutched in his hands as he scans the bushes for sign of Monster.  That’s scary.  The Monster burst out of the woods and pounces at the man, who, in panic, fires his gun too high.  That’s scary.  Five minutes of the Monster devouring victim with a knife and fork as the victim watches his organs used to create a shish kabob.  That’s disgusting.

In the Universal horror classics, you get the scary parts without the stomach-churning gore.  Part of the trade-off is that the creature effects look more like Halloween costumes than an actual hell beast.  Let’s be honest, the Wolf Man that inspired nightmares in 1941 now looks quaint and charming.

Lon Chaney Jr. in full Wolf Man transformation resembles a beatnik from Planet of the Apes.  I swear Chaney’s Wolf Man could walk down the streets of modern day New York without raising too many eyebrows.  Well, he could if not for the fact that Mr. Chaney passed away several decades ago, severely limiting his walking down the street capacity.

The plot of Wolf Man (1941) involves estranged son Larry (Chaney, Jr.) returning from America to his home in England after his elder brother’s death.  Larry has a rather cordial reunion with his estranged father (Claude Rains, great character actor), then the two mend their differences in the traditional male-bonding practice of telescope repair.  It’s the tradition that made the Hubble family so darn close-knit.  Unfortunately, Larry fails to use the telescope for good, instead of evil.  He uses the impressive equipment for peeping on the little English town’s most attractive pawn shop owner, Gwen (Evelyn Ankers).

Larry wastes no time rushing down to the store not just to hit on Gwen, but like a true creep he uses information gleaned from said peeping session to advance his case.  Strangely, this works.  Since Larry has a date and I don’t, who am I to judge?

Although Larry’s evening on the town is rather lame from the onset.  Gwen invites Larry to join her and her dead meat lady friend to visit the traveling Gypsies and get their fortune told.  The only fortunes I’m familiar with are vague observations that come in cookies (I actually had one that read: “You have great skill at expressing yourself to be effective”). But movie fortunes are quite specific and invariably come true. For example, Ms. Third Wheel’s fortune, delivered by a Gypsy named Bela played by Bela Lugosi, is that she will be killed by a werewolf in the next three minutes. Sure enough, the fortune comes true in surprisingly short order, or else the woman would have had solid grounds for demanding a refund. “You said I’d die, but I’m still alive! What a rip off!”

Larry manages to kill the hideous werewolf (read: dog) with his silver walking stick but is bitten in the process, and you know what that means.  It means at night he will turn into a cast member of the hit Broadway musical Cats and prowl the English countryside!

A couple things struck me about Wolf Man:

1) Star Lon Chaney Jr., sans Wolf Man affectations, looks more like a member of FDR’s cabinet than a Hollywood Leading Man Type.  Not a criticism, just an observation.

2) The opening credits introduce the actors in olde fashioned style, with the actors on screen and text declaring “Ralph Bellamy as  Colonel Montford,” etc.  Not only is star Lon Chaney, Jr. billed last, he is introduced as “Lon Chaney, Jr. as the Wolf Man” rather than a more obvious “Lon Chaney, Jr.” as Larry Talbot.  That struck me as a strange move because the Wolf Man transformation takes place in the later third of the film.  (The original trailer, see below, has the same revelation.) Early spoiler warnings, any one?

3) The Wolf Man’s low body count of 1.  He kills a gravedigger.  He gets snagged by a bear trap (I hate those!) and has to get saved by an Old Gypsy Woman.  (Spoiler alert!)  Eventually, Wolfy is killed by his father  by rapping him on the skull with his cane.  Oooooh!  I think it’s safe to say that the first werewolf in film history was the least successful werewolf in film history.

All in all, I really enjoyed the Wolf Man. Sure, it’s more quaint than blood-curdling, but what’s so wrong about that?

In this near future sci-fi-thriller, humans live life from the comfort of their homes as their robotic stand-ins work, play, and party on their behest.  Still trying to get your head around Surrogates?  Think Avatar except no blue aliens and minus about a billion dollars in box office receipts.

The Surrogates themselves are in some cases idealized representations of humans.  Give me a robot that looks just like me except 50 pounds lighter, perfect hair, toned calves, and literal abs of steel, please!  In other instances, the Surrogate embodies nauseous role-playing.  One attractive blonde Surrogate turns out to be a fat dude living out his own fantasy and my nightmare.  Who hasn’t dreaded finally meeting Ms. Right and discovering that she’s secretly Horatio Sanz?  Just me?  *Sigh*

There are a few absurd notions you have to buy into in Surrogates.  First and foremost is that seven years into their development, the vast majority of the population has a fully operational, robot stand-ins complete with the in-home appliances necessary to operate and charge the things.  Riiiiiiight.

Second, crime has become nigh extinct thanks to the establishment of Surrogate use.  Call me crazy, but I’d imagine having a remote control android capable of superhuman leaps and feats of strength at your beck and call would only embolden certain criminal activities.  What’s the downside of robbing the convenience store if it’s your metal look-a-like who’s going to take the business end of a little old ladies’ robot’s purse?

Bruce Willis plays the protagonist, FBI Agent Tom Greer.  Greer’s Surrogate is wrinkle-free version of Willis, with a hilarious Flock of Seagulls coif.  Greer investigates a back-alley assault wherein two Surrogates were fried, causing not only their deactivation but the humans behind the robots to be fried as well.

The implications are allegedly dire, as the point behind Surrogates is that they get hurt and you don’t.  You vegetate in a Barcalounger safe from everything except gruesome bedsores.  The Surrogates take the risk as you gad about town engaging in all the decadence and debauchery that previously resulted in this little thing I like to call “consequences.”

Greer’s investigation takes him to the secretive inventor of Surrogates, Canter (James Cromwell), whose son was one of the victims.  Canter was expelled from the Surrogate Company he created for mysterious reasons, and now lives as a recluse.  Canter may have been the intended target of a vast conspiracy to undermine the Surrogate-reliant-society.

One suspect in the deaths is a man called “the Prophet” (Ving Rhames), who is the leader of the anti-Surrogate movement.  Actually, the Prophet and his people aren’t just against robots, they have entirely rejected technology and live like Amish hippies in closed communities.  While I’d personally lean toward the no-robot-stand-in crowd, does that really mean I have to renounce the combustion engine and my iPod too?  Mr. Prophet, sir, maybe we don’t need to revert back to the sun dial just because we don’t want to live vicariously through Lt. Commander Data?

Greer chases an assassin into the Prophet’s No Gears Allowed Club, and the anti-technology crowd destroys Greer’s Surrogate.  Greer’s neutral zone infraction gets him suspended.  Suspension in Surrogate-land apparently means no badge, no gun, and no robot.

Greer is forced to physically step outside his domicile sans automaton proxy in order to get to the bottom of things.  Greer the “meatbag” is the freak in conventional society, an actual homo sapien with wrinkles, scars, and imperfections walking bustling city streets populated by idealized mannequins.

Generally speaking, I kind of liked the message behind Surrogates.  It’s about re-engaging with human beings away from technology.  But I can’t say I hold much fondness for the movie itself.  Surrogates is goofy and unrealistic despite taking itself far, far too seriously to qualify as fun/bad.  At best, it’s a guilty pleasure you can wait for to air on TNT in about 18 months.