Film is Pwn

Perhaps the most astonishing factoid I can provide about Jaws 4: The Revenge is that it exists.

The original Jaws is an all-time classic; it was the original Summer blockbuster that made oodles of money, put director Steven Spielberg on the map, and made chubby kids like me who swim like lame seals afraid to go in the water for fear of giant Great White Sharks.  Perhaps the only downside to Jawsis they forgot to kill off the fearsome beast at the end so that studio executives could not green light lame sequels.  Oh wait, I forgot, star Roy Scheider DID kill off the shark, blowing up the doggone thing in rather convincing fashion so that what was once the terror of the oceans became but mere chum for passing minnows.

But there is no such thing as a conclusive, definitive death in film, not when money can be made, just ask Jason Vorhees, Freddy Kruger, Spock, and John Travolta’s career. (more…)

I realize that I am one of the few humans capable of feeling disappointment when a film turns out not to be terrible.  In this regard, Whiteout has disappointed me terribly.

Just out on DVD, Whiteout was a relatively big-budget thriller starring Kate Beckinsale.  It appeared in theaters for approximately 17 minutes, barely long enough for it to be panned by critics and irritate the two guys who wanted to see.  One of those men was me, the other happened to be the mother of the film’s director. (more…)

Starring: Steve Zahn, Milla Jovovich, Timothy Olyphant, Kiele Sanchez
Directed By: David Twohy

A Perfect Getaway is the kind of thriller where you just know there is going to be a twist ending.  The way my mind works, when I suspect a shocking twist is afoot, I can guess what it is going to be 94.7% of the time.  When you’re playing the “who’s the killer” game, generally it is as simple as  picking the individual the movie wants you to suspect the least.  For an example of how this ending can make you so mad you’ll want to find the screenwriter and sternly wag your finger in his direction, see my review of Halle Berry/Bruce Willis’ cinematic abomination Perfect Stranger.

I ended up liking A Perfect Getaway more than enough to recommend it as a “renter,” so I’m going to be rather vague and unspecific so as not to spoil aforementioned twist. Although if you are unable to guess the twist based off the following description and my assurance that there is a twist, I will be forced to ban you from this site forever. Be warned, be warners: (more…)

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Yancy Butler, Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo
Directed by: John Woo

As an added bonus, this isn’t just a blog on a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, this, my friends, is the legendary team-up of Van Damme and Hong Kong’s logic defying director John Woo, Hard Target! Before you get your expectations too high, Hard Target, like most John Woo or JCVD films, has one idea (seldom original or clever), a lot of action, and no brains.

The idea is that there are a group of bad guys, led by Lance Henriksen (looking much like an evil Conan O’Brien) and Arnold Vosloo (a.k.a. the Mummy from the Mummy), who run an operation that allows wealthy men to hunt and kill homeless combat veterans for sport. The film opens as we see the latest victim, Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, who falls to an arrow in the curiously vacant streets of New Orleans. One interesting fact learned from the movie involving New Orleans is that the city contains zero residents not required by the plot either at night or during the day. (I assume they saved money by not hiring any extras and used the additional funds to blow more stuff up.) (more…)

I had to see Avatar. I’m not sure I had another choice in the matter. The buzz oozing from every orifice of movie goers round the world insisted upon it. The bad news is I rarely think as highly of movies with this much buzz. District 9 comes to mind.

For starters, James Cameron is talented. Very talented. He managed to bring life to a story I saw coming within the first ten minutes. He managed to make it interesting, heartwarming and very much engaging. The world was interesting and fresh, even if the story was tired. Somehow he managed to make me look past the thousand plot holes as I sat in the theater. My mind was fixated on the Na’vi and the inevitability of their story.

Visually it was pretty significant (it’s what everyone is talking about), the use of 3D mixed with live action was impressively done. The use of CGI with live action didn’t strike me as especially great or ground-breaking but I’ve seen a lot of movies so maybe that has something to do with it. Biologically I think his world had issues. For instance, why did all of his creatures seem to be carnivores despite mass quantities of jumbo size vegetation? But that’s nitpicking. The world is beautiful, fun and fairly scientifically accurate.

I hate that this film was so socially and politically charged. I like social cause movies and when it’s done well it can really be great. I think of “Hotel Rwanda” which though it wasn’t really accurate it shined a light on a grim reality; which I think is always a good thing. Avatar though didn’t shine light on a grim reality; it was preaching to the choir. The people who agreed with the message would cheer and those who didn’t would groan or get angry.

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Heartbreak Ridge is one of the often overlooked and neglected Clint Eastwood movies, and not for no reason.  It’s not great enough to pop up on any “best movie” lists — or even top ten Clint flicks – but it’s good enough to be watched and play in endless rotation on a movie channel like AMC. If you’ll forgive a digression, AMC ought to be forced to change their moniker from something other than American Movie Classics after recently being caught red-handed airing Halle Berry’s Catwoman.  When you let “Catwoman” in the door as a “classic,” what movie can’t be considered a classic? Can Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus be far behind?

There’s a lot working for Heartbreak Ridge, one being director and star Clint Eastwood.  Eastwood rarely makes movies that aren’t either “darn good” or  “a lot of fun,” although I should note that I have yet to see any movies where he co-starred with a monkey.  Just a note on that note: I have no intention of EVER seeing any of those Eastwood monkey movies, as I have maintained my respect for him even after seeing him singing with Lee Marvin. (more…)

Growing up, I was not a big fan of zombies. As a monster, I felt that they were actually quite terrible. They have no personality, are mindless and they move so slowly that one could fight them off with an arquebus (A 15th century muzzle loaded firearm that requires and enormous amount of time between shots – I guess if I have to explain it, it isn’t a great reference). But the problem remained for the poor zombie. They were a lousy monster, and their place in films was limited to low budget drek. But oh how times have changed… zombie are now en vogue and some films have reinvented them as strong, agile creatures (See I Am Legend, but don’t read the book, they are vampires in the book). The trailer for Zombieland was great, and the film looked to be fast paced and exciting… (more…)

For reasons hotly debated by office temps and great hunters around water coolers and water buffaloes, Jean-Claude Van Damme just loves to play two roles in his movies.  JCVD has played twins in not one but two movies (Double Impact & Maximum Risk), and in Timecop he teamed up with a past version of himself to battle time traveling hooligans.  Strangely, I’m reminded when a friend on a little league baseball team told the coach he wanted to become a switch hitter and bat left-handed, to which the coach replied, “Son, don’t you think you ought to get good at hitting right-handed before you try left-handed?”  Along these lines, someone ought to tell this to Mr. Van Damme, that before you attempt to tack dual roles in films, be good at one role first.  I should note that the most recent Van Damme film I saw, JCVD, Van Damme was good, but that can largely be attributed to the face he played himself, the role he was born to play.

In today’s subject, class, Replicant, scientists have found a new way for JCVD to square off with himself on-screen: Cloning. 

Here’s the concept: There’s a diabolical serial killer known as The Torch (Van Damme # 1), who burns mothers whom he overhears on the street rebuking their children as bad boys, sort of a knee jerk reaction to his own poor childhood.  Methinks this is a message to parents that if you spank your kids or do anything other than over protect and coddle them, they will become serial killers, bed-wetters, lame martial arts movie makers, or perhaps even worse. (more…)

I heard there was a trainwreck in theaters this week, and I had to check it out for myself. 

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Office politics, temporary employees, ambitious corporate ladder climbers, sucking up to the boss, and murder most foul.  It’s a world I know too well, but as they say on Sesame Street: One of these is not the same; one of these is not like the other.  Yes, that’s right, what is “sucking up to the boss” doing on that list?  Everyone knows that’s unethical and off limits!

The 1993 movie The Temp features all those characteristics above plus 2,518% more sexiness than I’ve seen working in the corporate world in nine plus years crammed into an hour and a half.

Lara Flynn Boyle stars as the titular temp, Kris, who fills the spot as the secretary for yuppie cookie company executive Peter (Timothy Hutton).  Kris is one of those women who only work in fantasy, Hollywood offices where temporary employees are promoted to vice president in a week and Smurfs ride magic unicorns in the hallways.  In my list of objections, the part where Kris starts killing people to advance her career is relatively low.  On a completely unrelated note, I managed to get promoted to the department I’m currently in when the guy holding the position mysteriously disappeared with only a hand-written resignation note left in his wake, but no one ever heard from or saw him again.   Let us move on quickly and without further comment, shallst we? (more…)

Ong Bak 2: The Beginning is a martial arts movie, and that is the film in a nutshell.  I’m tempted to conclude the blog there, but my natural loquaciousness demands that I press forward.

Ong Bak 2: The Beginning is currently in limited release in theaters, but I caught a sneak preview on HDNet movies. I had heard of the original Ong Bak and its star Tony Jaa, an exciting, imaginative, acrobatic heir to Jackie Chan without the clowning, which is kind of a turn-off for me, because who doesn’t love a good clown, right? (more…)

One of the many great things about Tivo is the wonderful descriptions of programming it provides.  Take this Tivo-nopsis of the 2005 horror movie Dead Serious: “Religious fanatics try to take over a gay bar which is – they are about to discover – owned by vampires”. How could I not click the record button… 

The film opened in the gay bar in question, which one could tell was a gay bar because the only decor was a rainbow flag hanging on the wall.  A patron argues with the bartender who tells him to talk to the manager, whose office is up top of a winding dim staircase.  After registering his complaint the manager (who was creepy enough to be a vampire, but not well dressed enough to be a homosexual) he is attacked, fangs flashing, blood spurting.  And then cut to the title screen.. fangs descending from up top.  Pure cheese I though, but somehow I was mesmerized.  Next a scene in a park where a seemingly nice guy is trying to enjoy a hamburger but the sweet love of his life won’t let him.  It’s wrong to eat animals, he’s killing himself with cholesterol, hey! some guys are smoking!  Oh the humanity… you know, there are vampires, and I want her to die, but somehow I doubt she will… maybe, if I believe hard enough… (more…)