Film is Pwn

Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale begins with narration that sets the table: “You all know the lovely old legend of Beauty and the Beast. . . I’m telling you that what really happened was far, FAR more terrifying than anything the storytellers ever admitted.” Yes, those fairy tale writers are notorious for their penchant for downplaying fantastic stories.  (In real life, Cinderella was an intergalactic, Amazon warrior who left glass slippers in the eyes of her victims.)

Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale takes place in generic, Middle-Age times in a generic, Middle-Age land.  A generic King lies dying without an heir, and various poseurs, distant relatives, and regal dentists are posturing for the crown.  How did people decide who won things before reality TV dancing and/or singing competitions?  Chicanery, of course.  Evil Count Rudolph (Rhett Giles) plans to increase his kingly stock by capturing the legendary Beast (no relation to Dr. Hank McCoy).

Meanwhile, Belle (Estella Warren), the Washer Woman’s daughter, is wandering the forest looking for herbs to make clothes smell good (not a joke) when she is saved by the mysterious Beast.  Belle promptly shows her gratitude by ratting out his location to Count Rudolph and his henchmen.  Thanks, Belle! (more…)

Rather than go to the theater and see Benecio Del Toro’s remake Wolf Man (that can wait for the DVD release), I checked out a recent AMC Channel airing of the 1941 original.

Because I’m so squeamish, modern horror films hold little appeal for me.  It’s not that I don’t like being scared from time to time, rather it is just that I hate seeing blood and guts on screen.  “Disgusting” is not the same as “frightening.”  It’s not to say that fright and disgust do not co-exist or are  mutually exclusive.

A man wanders in the woods at night, his path lit by torch, a pistol clutched in his hands as he scans the bushes for sign of Monster.  That’s scary.  The Monster burst out of the woods and pounces at the man, who, in panic, fires his gun too high.  That’s scary.  Five minutes of the Monster devouring victim with a knife and fork as the victim watches his organs used to create a shish kabob.  That’s disgusting. (more…)

Imagine a future where you will be able to send an android double to go watch terrible movies like Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan in Cop Out.  That is – sorta – the idea behind Surrogates.

In this near future sci-fi-thriller, humans live life from the comfort of their homes as their robotic stand-ins work, play, and party on their behest.  Still trying to get your head around Surrogates?  Think Avatar except no blue aliens and minus about a billion dollars in box office receipts.

The Surrogates themselves are in some cases idealized representations of humans.  Give me a robot that looks just like me except 50 pounds lighter, perfect hair, toned calves, and literal abs of steel, please!  In other instances, the Surrogate embodies nauseous role-playing.  One attractive blonde Surrogate turns out to be a fat dude living out his own fantasy and my nightmare.  Who hasn’t dreaded finally meeting Ms. Right and discovering that she’s secretly Horatio Sanz?  Just me?  *Sigh* (more…)

Meteor Apocalypse is the first film I watched from the Asylum’s sister-low-budget-studio, Faith Films.  I’ll sum up Meteor Apocalypse with two adjectives that have quite possibly never been applied in a film review: “Relieved” and “Satisfied.”

Yes, it’s a bad movie, but please let me explain: I am a Christian and thereby had a vested interest in the movie.  Most Asylum releases I sit back and enjoy the B-movie goodness as “so-bad-it’s-good.”  But this wasn’t just a B-movie, it’s a Christian B-movie!  So, Meteor Apocalypse I had a little emotional investment. 

Why do I care?  To get a perspective, imagine you’re watching a bunch of kids play T-ball.  They are running around aimlessly, falling down arbitrarily, getting distracted by passing clouds, and one is attempting to chew on the baseball rather than throw it back into the infield.  Kinda funny, right?  Not if your kid is the worst of the bunch; then it’s embarrassing. But if your kid is as good as all the other bad kids, it’s okay! (Right? Someone with kids back me up on this!) (more…)

Starring: Denzel Washington, Eva Mendes, Sanaa Lathan, Dean Cain
Directed By: Carl Franklin

Most movies take place in three acts which blend seamlessly to create the narrative story arc.  Out of Time is no different, except that the difference between the first act and the second act is staggering. (more…)

It is snowing in my hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina.  An alien invasion does not debilitate New York City to the degree that an inch of snow shuts down Charlotte.  Charlotte’s citizenry forget how to behave when beset by fears of the white powder descending from the heavens like millions of malicious storm troopers.   (more…)

I realize that I am one of the few humans capable of feeling disappointment when a film turns out not to be terrible.  In this regard, Whiteout has disappointed me terribly.

Just out on DVD, Whiteout was a relatively big-budget thriller starring Kate Beckinsale.  It appeared in theaters for approximately 17 minutes, barely long enough for it to be panned by critics and irritate the two guys who wanted to see.  One of those men was me, the other happened to be the mother of the film’s director. (more…)

Oh, Asylum, you’ve done it again!

Princess of Mars is based on a novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, which is allegedly the inspiration for James Cameron’s Avatar.  In fact, right on the front cover of the DVD it says, “THE CLASSIC STORY THAT INSPIRED JAMES CAMERON’S AVATAR.”  The back cover of Princess of Mars boasts in a quote without a source: “HEART-POUNDING CREATURE ACTION OF STARSHIP TROOPERS AND THE EPIC ADVENTURE OF LORD OF THE RINGS!”  I hate to call anyone or any DVD cover a liar, but how can you trust someone who tells you that Starship Troopers contained “heart-pounding creature action”? Liar!

Avatar and Princess of Mars do both feature protagonists who are strangers in a strange land that fall in love with a scantily clad alien, but that is the plot to 94.2% of movies these days.  Of course, James Cameron spends more money on a single sneeze than the entire budget of the Asylum’s Princess of Mars. (more…)

Twisters are a tasty treat served at KFC, good to eat by fast food standards and is best when served hot.  To prevent any confusion, from this point forward the word “twister” will exclusively be used in reference to tornadoes, not the delicious KFC wrap.  Mmm, I could go for a twister right about now . . . Yes, that was talking about the wrap, there, of course, I have no desire for a tornado.  Let us try this again: From here on out, “twister” refers to tornado.  I promise. (more…)

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Yancy Butler, Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo
Directed by: John Woo

As an added bonus, this isn’t just a blog on a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, this, my friends, is the legendary team-up of Van Damme and Hong Kong’s logic defying director John Woo, Hard Target! Before you get your expectations too high, Hard Target, like most John Woo or JCVD films, has one idea (seldom original or clever), a lot of action, and no brains.

The idea is that there are a group of bad guys, led by Lance Henriksen (looking much like an evil Conan O’Brien) and Arnold Vosloo (a.k.a. the Mummy from the Mummy), who run an operation that allows wealthy men to hunt and kill homeless combat veterans for sport. The film opens as we see the latest victim, Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, who falls to an arrow in the curiously vacant streets of New Orleans. One interesting fact learned from the movie involving New Orleans is that the city contains zero residents not required by the plot either at night or during the day. (I assume they saved money by not hiring any extras and used the additional funds to blow more stuff up.) (more…)

Heartbreak Ridge is one of the often overlooked and neglected Clint Eastwood movies, and not for no reason.  It’s not great enough to pop up on any “best movie” lists — or even top ten Clint flicks – but it’s good enough to be watched and play in endless rotation on a movie channel like AMC. If you’ll forgive a digression, AMC ought to be forced to change their moniker from something other than American Movie Classics after recently being caught red-handed airing Halle Berry’s Catwoman.  When you let “Catwoman” in the door as a “classic,” what movie can’t be considered a classic? Can Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus be far behind?

There’s a lot working for Heartbreak Ridge, one being director and star Clint Eastwood.  Eastwood rarely makes movies that aren’t either “darn good” or  “a lot of fun,” although I should note that I have yet to see any movies where he co-starred with a monkey.  Just a note on that note: I have no intention of EVER seeing any of those Eastwood monkey movies, as I have maintained my respect for him even after seeing him singing with Lee Marvin. (more…)

Finally got around to seeing Terminator: Salvation Friday night.  This is one of the big, Summer 2009 movies that ended up on my “Maybe” list with mixed reviews and an uninspiring trailer, and I never got around to it.

All in all, I kinda liked it.  Lowered expectations might be a good thing, this is nowhere near as good as James Cameron’s original Terminator or the terrific sequel Terminator 2: Judgment Day, but fortunately far from the disaster of Terminator 3 sans Cameron. (more…)