Film is Pwn

I realize that I am one of the few humans capable of feeling disappointment when a film turns out not to be terrible.  In this regard, Whiteout has disappointed me terribly.

Just out on DVD, Whiteout was a relatively big-budget thriller starring Kate Beckinsale.  It appeared in theaters for approximately 17 minutes, barely long enough for it to be panned by critics and irritate the two guys who wanted to see.  One of those men was me, the other happened to be the mother of the film’s director. (more…)

Spider-Man 4 has long the subject of rumor and speculation.  Is director Sam Raimi returning?  What about stars Tobey Maguire, Kristen Dunst, Bruce Campbell?  Who are the villains going to be?  Who is doing the catering? Well, the question has been changed, as apparently director Sam Raimi and the stars has left the project, as has been confirmed on Sony Pictures Twitter page.  (more…)

Supergirl is the story of a blonde airhead whose bumbling carelessness and ineptitude threatens to destroy her civilization.

It seems there are survivors of Krypton, Superman’s exploded home planet, who survived in some alternate dimension created by a genius named Zaltar (Peter O’Toole, yes, the actor who played Lawrence of Arabia is “Zaltar”). Zaltar has taken the mystical power source that keeps them all alive, the Orb, out for an evening stroll, apparently a big no-no, and he has a chance encounter with bubbly blonde Kara (Helen Slater).

One thing leads to another and Kara gets her hands on the Orb, starts to play, and seconds later she has ripped a hole in the wax paper hull of their home world, nearly killing herself and sending the Orb spiraling out in the universe.  The civilization is understandably perturbed, with only days of power left until they die because of this little mishap. Not to worry, says wise old Zaltar, I have a single craft I can use to fetch the Orb and save us all. But before Zaltar can save the day, Kara steals the craft to go redeem herself and get the Orb. (more…)

I don’t feel that I am going out on any manner of limb by stating that Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is the best, pre-Christopher Nolan Batman movie ever made.  I mean no slight to the fine work of Tim Burton, who created the cash cow (cash bat?) with two good, crowd-pleasers, that forever proved that Batman was not doomed to be known as the domain of Adam West and his campy comedy of the 1960s. 

Yet it is worth noting that in the benefit of hindsight, the pair of Burton Batman outings, Batman (1989) and Batman Returns (1992) pale in comparison to the later works featuring Christian Bale as the titular caped crusader and helmed by the aforementioned Nolan.  Niceties aside, I prefer the aesthetically pleasing, easily accessible animated film, Mask of the Phantasm to the Burton films.  (Note how I, like any right thinking film lover, omit any mention of the disastrous Joel Schumacher films Batman Forever and Batman & Robin.)

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Hugh Jackman returns to the character that made him famous, with the first of what could be many spin-offs, and oh my does X-Men Origins: Wolverine feel like a franchise generator.  While I will attempt to dance around spoilers, I detected seeds being planted for a Gambit movie and a X-Men: First Class.  There were rumors that Ryan Reynolds was cast as Deadpool with a Deadpool movie in mind, but with the events that actually transpire, I can’t fathom that happening (you’d have to ignore the grand finale for this to be conceivable).  If there had to be a spin-off from this spin-off, and a Deadpool reboot was out of the question, I’d nominate Liev Schreiber as Victor “Sabretooth” Creed for a sort of mutant Hannibal Lechter-type vehicle.

There is one serious hitch with the “let’s make lots more X-Men movie” plan: X-Men Origins: Wolverine kinda stinks.  It wasn’t as annoyingly bad as X-Men 3, but what film or mime is as annoying as X-Men 3?
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The question is not, “Is the Spirit a terrible movie?” for that answer is no more complicated than a straightforward “Yes.”  Rather, the enigmatic riddle of the hour is “WHY is the Spirit so utterly, inarguably terrible?”
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There are some movies I feel that I should like even though I’ve seen them and know for a fact I did not really enjoy that movie the first time.  One such film is the Phantom, starring Billy “It’s a Walk-Off!” Zane, in his one serious brush with being a legit movie star.  (Spoiler warning: Billy Zane is not a movie star, unless you count a supporting role in Uwe Bol’s opus-to-awful Bloodrayne as being a “movie star”.)

Why shouldn’t I — or anyone — like the Phantom?  It’s an olde school adventure film, true to it’s comic strip origins and reminiscent of 1930s serials (the film is even set in the 1930s, whitewashed of the Great Depression).  It’s got thrills, chills, romance, and a skeleton that strangles a dude!  The Phantom hearkens back to the exploits of Indiana Jones, a time when people used to use the word “hearkens” in sentences without fear of reprisal. 
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My last blog was on Man-Thing, the feature film version of Marvel Comics’ lurking, green, swamp monster that first appeared in the comics universe in 1971.  Today, to mix things up, I’m going to blog on Swamp Thing, the feature film version of DC Comics’ lurking, green swamp monster that first appeared in the comics universe in 1971. 

(Random thought: If they make a movie about Fantastic Four member “the Thing,” should that film [Fantistic Four Origins: The Thing], Man-Thing, and Swamp Thing forge a new trilogy that can be referred to as the THING Cycle??? Huh, get it?! No? Really? You never heard of Wagner? Opera? No one?)

Of course, while Man-Thing got a ignoble, straight-to-Sci-Fi Channel release in 2005 featuring a cast of no names, Swamp Thing was a high profile project of noted horror director Wes Craven, starring Adrienne Barbeau, who at one point was not only a star but considered to be gorgeous. 

I don’t want to sound cruel, but Barbeau looks a Romulan with big, 80’s style hair.  In fairness, Barbeau is a capable actress and would go on to greater fame by making not one but TWO guest appearances on Murder, She Wrote and providing the sultry voice of Catwoman in Batman: The Animated Series.  And, when you mix the acting talents of Adrienne Barbeau and an artist’s rendition of Catwoman, you can’t go wrong.  In fact, when I think back on Swamp Thing in retrospect and replace the image of Barbeau with animated Catwoman, my fondness for the film increases ever so slightly.
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Now, you might think that Man-Thing, which originally debuted on the Sci-Fi Channel, would have its origins in the same “Hey, why not make a movie called, Man-Thing!?” way that got Mansquito made, but Man-Thing is in fact based on a comic book character whose history dates back to 1971.  (Yes, Virginia, there really is a Mansquito.  Read about it here.)

The character wasn’t created when a thing bit a man, as you might think if you were to think about what created Man-Thing rather than simply consulting with your local library for reference material.  As a reformed comic book geek, I can attest that no one really knows or cares what Man-Thing is.  It’s just a pile of walking, violent swamp material that occasionally appears, usually fighting some manner of evil, and then goes away.  Big whoop.

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Another discovery from MGM-HD Channel, the greatest source of bizarre, wonderfully awful gems that you can’t find anywhere else.  This movie sadly is not available on Blu Ray OR DVD. I’d never heard of the movie until I saw it on their channel listing, but I shall never forget the name of . . . Fearless Frank. 

Fearless Frank is the feature film debut of — can it be? — the great Jon Voight, who plays the titular Frank with the exuberance of a caffeine-powered six-year old on Christmas morning and with the intellect of Forrest Gump after a grade-one concussion.  I must offer this aside: Jon Voight, you are a brilliant actor and a man I respect, but if I were you I would buy the rights to this movie so that it can never be seen by a human being not named Voight again.  Your legacy depends on it! 
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I believe in Harvey Dent. I believe that heroes are complicated and that madness is infectious.
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I just saw the latest Batman film, The Dark Knight, at a midnight showing opening night/morning at an IMAX theater.  All I can really say is: Wow.
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