Film is Pwn

Starring: Klinton Spilsbury, Michael Horse, Christopher Lloyd, Jason Robards
Directed By: William A. Fraker

I think that whoever proposed re-launching the Lone Ranger franchise with 1981’s The Legend of the Lone Rangerhad a good idea. Of course, the path to bankruptcy is paved with good ideas.  New Coke was a good idea . . . if people liked the product.   Parents and grandparents grew up with the iconic Old West hero the Lone Ranger on TV or on radio.  Presumably those parental units would be excited to take their little consumers to the theater to enjoy a family friendly, PG adventure featuring the Lone Ranger.  On the drawing board it was so great: We’ll have old fashioned stunt work, horses, clearly defined heroes and villains, a moral and upright protagonist with a clear sense of right and wrong, and it’ll be awesome!  Oh, it all looked so promising.

Here is where the idea goes flying horribly off the track: Every single element after the green light ranging from casting to script to filming to catering.  The Legend of the Lone Ranger does not meander toward the wretched film abyss, it gallops blindfolded straight into the hall of awful at a brisk gallop shouting “Hi yo, Silver!” all the way to the bottom of that gorge of film infamy. (more…)

It is snowing in my hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina.  An alien invasion does not debilitate New York City to the degree that an inch of snow shuts down Charlotte.  Charlotte’s citizenry forget how to behave when beset by fears of the white powder descending from the heavens like millions of malicious storm troopers.   (more…)

Being a father there are certain things I have learned to accept: 2AM feedings, changing diapers, potty training, etc… but this weekend I experienced something that I don’t think I will ever be able to come to terms with – Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.  Perhaps I have been spoiled by children’s films such as Up and Wall-E which are not only aimed at children, but well written and well executed.  Chipmunks was neither. (more…)

Monster Squad.  Monster Squad is a relic from the late 80s resuscitated in modern times due to nostalgia, prompting a 20th anniversary DVD release in 2007 with hoopla and fanfare for the grown up child stars and the director, whose most recognizable credit since Monster Squad is the towering achievement that is Robocop 3.  I was not one of the kids who grew up watching Monster Squad and getting a tattoo of the signature line like “Wolfman’s Got Nards!”  I had better things to do growing up in the 80s, like T-ball, playing with G.I. Joes, and repeatedly replaying every single Chevy Chase and/or John Candy movie ever made. (more…)

I finally got around to watching the latest Pixar movie Up — recently released on DVD — this weekend, and while it’s tough to argue that Pixar movies are consistently excellent (Finding Nemo, Wall-E, The Incredibles, etc.) I wasn’t in a big rush to check out Up.  The film is and was advertised as the adventures of a grumpy old man and a chubby boy scout in a house sent airborne by a gaggle of balloons.  Interesting, sure, but when the choice between Up and The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 came, I opted with the pretty good Denzel Washington thriller.

In retrospect and with respect to Pelham 1-2-3, I made the wrong choice. Up is terrific, thoroughly entertaining and with a great heart. My knee-jerk reaction is that I prefer Up over Wall-E and Finding Nemo, great films both.

The talking dog named Dug cracked me up every time he spoke with perfectly annunciated cadence to great dialogue translated to humanese, “I will stop the dogs! . . .  Stop you dogs!” and “I have just met you, and I love you.” (more…)

The other night I had my first experience with Harry Potter after a decade of ignoring the wildly popular novels and subsequent blockbuster film series.

Before the take on the movie itself, let me address the “Why the no Harry” question.  You see, during the initial breakout of Pottermania, there was a certain Christian backlash, and I happen to be a devout Christian.  While there were some vehement judgments that Harry and his brand of magic was a bad influence, please don’t misunderstand me: I’ve never told anyone not to read or watch a Potter movie.  Even if I thought Potter was basically evil and subversive, I don’t think boycotting or boisterously protesting is the best way to get your point across.  Generally you just succeed in publicizing property you’re demonizing and make yourself look stupid in the process, and then you’re the stupid Christian trying to ruin everyone else’s good time.

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I don’t feel that I am going out on any manner of limb by stating that Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is the best, pre-Christopher Nolan Batman movie ever made.  I mean no slight to the fine work of Tim Burton, who created the cash cow (cash bat?) with two good, crowd-pleasers, that forever proved that Batman was not doomed to be known as the domain of Adam West and his campy comedy of the 1960s. 

Yet it is worth noting that in the benefit of hindsight, the pair of Burton Batman outings, Batman (1989) and Batman Returns (1992) pale in comparison to the later works featuring Christian Bale as the titular caped crusader and helmed by the aforementioned Nolan.  Niceties aside, I prefer the aesthetically pleasing, easily accessible animated film, Mask of the Phantasm to the Burton films.  (Note how I, like any right thinking film lover, omit any mention of the disastrous Joel Schumacher films Batman Forever and Batman & Robin.)

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You know, I’d like to watch “clean” movies more, I really would.  I am, after all, a clean guy – I don’t cuss, I don’t drink, I never did drugs, I don’t sleep around, I shower nearly every day (often with soap), and I have never give someone a roundhouse kick if I happen to disagree with them.  And yet those very qualities (promiscuous, profanity, substance abuse, unnecessary spin-kickery) permeate the movies I opt to write about here, with occasional interludes like my blog on The Country Bears, for example.

You wanna know why? I’ll tell you why: Outside Pixar, most “G” rated stuff is crap like Space Buddies.

Now, there’s nothing “wrong” with a film like Space Buddies, where the target audience thinks that talking, wise-cracking dogs getting into various misadventures is inherently entertaining.  In fairness, the target audience is not yet potty trained and can generally be amused by a hearty game of “peek-a-boo” for the full running time of Space Buddies.  If not for the fact that prolonged “peek-a-booing” can tire out parents and their wrists, I assume there would never be a need to purloin a copy of Space Buddies and pop it in the DVD player in order to entertain the little ones. (more…)

Krull is a very odd yet somehow entertaining fantasy adventure film that combines elements of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. The more I think about it, if they had made a live action Lord of the Rings in the early 80s, I fear it would have looked like this: cheesy effects that Flash Gordon would scoff at, cheap sets imported from the Lost in Space TV show, and an uninspired cast that thinks they’re making children’s theater (in fairness, they’re not entirely mistaken).

The story is of a far off world known as Krull, a place steeped with mystical forests, cyclops, and magic. Typical of mystical worlds too cheap to call Orkin, Krull is besieged by otherworldly creatures known as Slayers, who could be distant cousins to Orcs. The Slayers answer to a shapeshifting, all-powerful monster who could not conceivably be defeated until maybe the climactic scene, and they have no clear purpose outside generic conquest.

Krull’s two rival kingdoms of men must unite to fight off the invaders, and for some reason doing so requires the son and daughter of the kings have to get married to seal the deal. Yes, if you want to solve infighting, marriage is the sure way to guarantee there will never be another fight again. “The threat of annihilation by alien invaders has been insuffient to unite us, but being In-laws should do the trick!” I’m a bachelor, and even I know that’s relatively unrealistic, if not flippin’ stupid. (more…)

I figured since it’s Christmas Eve, I really ought to rent a Christmas movie and not watch another crappy action movie *heavy sigh*.  Here’s the problem: I don’t really like Christmas movies in general, and Santa Claus movies in particular.  So, why did I rent Fred Claus?  Didn’t you read the first part of the paragraph? Somebody around here needs to blog on a Christmas movie!

Fred Claus is the latest attempt to make a hip Santa Claus movie, which invariably involves coming up with another variation on the theme of Santa, reindeer, elves, snowmen, etc.  The last Santa movie I genuinely liked . . . well, I guess it will be the next Santa movie I like.
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I have a confession: I am a lover of all things bears.  I had a teddy bear as a child, my office both at work and home is littered with stuffed bears, bear statues, bear pictures, and a framed photograph of my real life mother beside a life-size Smokey the Bear cut-out that I show to people with the introduction, “Have I shown you a photo of my parents?”  Good pals and casual acquaintances will see me and say, “Bear!” and I know they’re talking about me.  I am a lifetime Chicago Cubs fan, and I can honestly say that my childhood love of the Cubs overrode my father’s Mets fandom and infected him as well.  I tell you that to tell you this: I love the movie the Country Bears, which was given to me for Christmas one year primarily due to my aforementioned arctophilia (“love of bears”).

For those unfortunate souls unaware, the Country Bears is the 2002 Disney film roughly based on a long-time theme park attraction of the same name.  The Pirates of the Caribbean made the jump from Disneyland to big screen with great fanfare and success (not to mention two lackluster sequels), but the Country Bears came first, and didn’t have a lot of fanfare or success. 

Still, in a twisted way that I know has no basis in reality, I am convinced that the Country Bears paved the way for Captain Jack Sparrow and company, and Captain Jack is a cheap knock-off of Big Al.   I would love to see a crossover with Pirates of the Caribbean vs. The Country Bears, in a sort of Aliens vs. Predators style showdown.  That would be money, Hollywood!  You listening, Bruckheimer??!!
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Okay, I finally got around to seeing Speed Racer, and I must admit I liked it. 
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