Film is Pwn

Last week we mentioned the live action/CGI feature film adaptation of bear icon Yogi Bear, and now we have news from USA Today that Shawn Levy, who directed those Night at the Museum films I never saw, is producing a live action/CGI movie about the Berenstain Bears.   (more…)

You make the call . . . (more…)

This video simultaneously 1) answers the questions of where bears come from, 2) reveals what amazing superpowers we bears possess, and 3) promotes the Anchorage hockey team “The Alaska Nanooks”:

Being a half-grizzly/half-human hybrid movie blogger, naturally I’m bit of a sucker for a bear movie.  Please note that I don’t say, “I’m a sucker for a GOOD bear movie,” because if I were there would be precisely one entry on the list: Anthony Hopkins & Alec Baldwin in the Edge, written by the great David Mamet.  Because I am so open minded for bear films of any quality (I gave a glowing review to the Country Bears, for Pete’s sake!), I am hence a sucker for a bad movie prominently featuring a bear, and today’s entry Grizzly Park certainly falls into the “bad” movie category.

Man oh man Grizzly Park is some kind of terrible.  It’s filled past the breaking point with terrible acting, stupid characters doing and saying idiotic things, and corny horror gore. On the plus side, it does have some things going for it, well only three. There’s 1) plenty of Brody the Bear, the same bear who fought to a draw with Walker, Texas Ranger; 2) it stars Glenn Morshower a.k.a. Secret Service Agent Aaron from the TV show 24, a likable character actor whose last name “Morshower” translates from the Comanche word for “He who should take more showers”; and 3) a twist ending so absurd and implausible that I genuinely liked it.  (I’ll be giving away said plot twist later on, so be warned and get the popcorn, ’cause this is The Village quality.)
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I can’t think of anything more patriotic to post on the 4th of July than a post about the two greatest types of Americans, Bears and Chuck Norris.

I’ve written about my appreciation for Chuck Norris before, and I’ve also written about how I am half-man, half-bear.  (Please, don’t judge me because I’m different than you, judge that I’m better than you.)  And I’ve always wondered, for the past five minutes, or perhaps even longer, what would happen if Chuck Norris fought a bear.  The answer may surprise you.  Behold!

Editorial note: In addition to my work on Film Is Pwn, I also am a contributing writer for the premiere film and television beariodical, Entertainment Bearly.  As a half-man/half-bear I am uniquely qualified for such a dual task, though I feel obliged to point out to you, my Film Is Pwn audience, that this particular article was written for bears by a (half-)bear.  Feel free to read on . . . if you bear!  Sorry, I promise that’s the last bear related pun (of this bearagraph — I mean paragraph. Sorry again).

Before I get to my Movies for Bears column this week, a quick note from management: If you hear about a Bear Rally on Wall Street, it’s not what you think, so please don’t go; if you go, please do not feed the bankers. Now, on to the film:

Grizzly Rage is the tale of a single mother whose only child is murdered by a cruel, merciless pack of homo sapiens, and her righteous pursuit of justice and . . . (dramatic pause) . . . revenge.

Four teenage humans break into a Canadian wildlife preserve for illegal off-roading, and in the process they hit and kill the only cub of Bearina (Bearverly J. DeMint), a very large and very rageful Mama Grizzly.  The humans’ horseless carriage is damaged when they run into a tree due to their own stupidity. Stupid humans!
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I have a confession: I am a lover of all things bears.  I had a teddy bear as a child, my office both at work and home is littered with stuffed bears, bear statues, bear pictures, and a framed photograph of my real life mother beside a life-size Smokey the Bear cut-out that I show to people with the introduction, “Have I shown you a photo of my parents?”  Good pals and casual acquaintances will see me and say, “Bear!” and I know they’re talking about me.  I am a lifetime Chicago Cubs fan, and I can honestly say that my childhood love of the Cubs overrode my father’s Mets fandom and infected him as well.  I tell you that to tell you this: I love the movie the Country Bears, which was given to me for Christmas one year primarily due to my aforementioned arctophilia (“love of bears”).

For those unfortunate souls unaware, the Country Bears is the 2002 Disney film roughly based on a long-time theme park attraction of the same name.  The Pirates of the Caribbean made the jump from Disneyland to big screen with great fanfare and success (not to mention two lackluster sequels), but the Country Bears came first, and didn’t have a lot of fanfare or success. 

Still, in a twisted way that I know has no basis in reality, I am convinced that the Country Bears paved the way for Captain Jack Sparrow and company, and Captain Jack is a cheap knock-off of Big Al.   I would love to see a crossover with Pirates of the Caribbean vs. The Country Bears, in a sort of Aliens vs. Predators style showdown.  That would be money, Hollywood!  You listening, Bruckheimer??!!
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