Film is Pwn

Meteor Apocalypse is the first film I watched from the Asylum’s sister-low-budget-studio, Faith Films.  I’ll sum up Meteor Apocalypse with two adjectives that have quite possibly never been applied in a film review: “Relieved” and “Satisfied.”

Yes, it’s a bad movie, but please let me explain: I am a Christian and thereby had a vested interest in the movie.  Most Asylum releases I sit back and enjoy the B-movie goodness as “so-bad-it’s-good.”  But this wasn’t just a B-movie, it’s a Christian B-movie!  So, Meteor Apocalypse I had a little emotional investment. 

Why do I care?  To get a perspective, imagine you’re watching a bunch of kids play T-ball.  They are running around aimlessly, falling down arbitrarily, getting distracted by passing clouds, and one is attempting to chew on the baseball rather than throw it back into the infield.  Kinda funny, right?  Not if your kid is the worst of the bunch; then it’s embarrassing. But if your kid is as good as all the other bad kids, it’s okay! (Right? Someone with kids back me up on this!) (more…)

My only comment: Awwwww, yea!

According to this web-site, the classic scene from our favorite B-movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is entirely, scientifically possible.  While I’m tempted to dismiss this as merely “Mega Science vs. Giant Common Sense,” the site does contain a nifty chart with statistics, so it must be true, right?  Aren’t 102% of statistics accurate? For those who haven’t seen the movie, click “more” and see the classic scene yourself (more…)

Oh, Asylum, you’ve done it again!

Princess of Mars is based on a novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, which is allegedly the inspiration for James Cameron’s Avatar.  In fact, right on the front cover of the DVD it says, “THE CLASSIC STORY THAT INSPIRED JAMES CAMERON’S AVATAR.”  The back cover of Princess of Mars boasts in a quote without a source: “HEART-POUNDING CREATURE ACTION OF STARSHIP TROOPERS AND THE EPIC ADVENTURE OF LORD OF THE RINGS!”  I hate to call anyone or any DVD cover a liar, but how can you trust someone who tells you that Starship Troopers contained “heart-pounding creature action”? Liar!

Avatar and Princess of Mars do both feature protagonists who are strangers in a strange land that fall in love with a scantily clad alien, but that is the plot to 94.2% of movies these days.  Of course, James Cameron spends more money on a single sneeze than the entire budget of the Asylum’s Princess of Mars. (more…)

Coming in April from our friends at the Asylum is a little film called MegaPiranha.  This is not the sequel to the Asylum’s cult hit, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but rather their version of the big budget Piranha 3-D movie that is coming in April as well.  But I think it’s safe to say that MegaPiranha is the cinematic cousin of Mega Shark.  And it’s not just because of giant sea creatures terrorizing humans.  Where Mega Shark starred 80’s teen sensation Debbie Gibson, MegaPiranha stars . . . 80s sensation Tiffany. (more…)

Robert Downey, Jr., eat your heart out.  January 26th, the Asylum (studio behind such releases as Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Transmorphers, etc.) releases its rendition of Sherlock Holmes.  If you thought director Guy Ritchie took liberties with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective, I’m going to guess that, based on the poster, the Asylum is going to take Holmes to places he’s never been before.  The movie description on the Asylum’s web-site says, and I copy and paste: “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London.” Want to see the poster? Take a look, take a lookers:
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For those waiting with baited breath for November’s big budget, guaranteed disaster of a disaster movie 2012 from the vindictive, mad director hoping to inflict Independence Day 2 on the world (Roland Emmerich), may I offer a substitute?  Tuesday (October 27th 2009) marks the release of the Asylum’s low-budget knock-off of 2012: 2012: Supernova.

Film is Pwn got our pre-release DVD in the mail Saturday (thank you, Asylum!) and this is a return to fun/bad greatness after the most recent releases, Sex-Pot and Megafault, which fell in the unwatchable and uninteresting categories, respectively.
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You’d think a movie by our favorite cheap-o movie studio The Asylum (of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus fame) that debuts on the greatest night for fun/bad movies — 9 pm Eastern on the SyFy Channel – as a SyFy Channel Original would be a sure bet.  I’m a little disappointed to report that my reaction to MegaFault was: eh.

Perhaps my expectations were set too high (i.e., too low) but MegaFault wasn’t that entertaining.  Sure there are some trademark, so-cheap-it’s-funny special effects, some terrible acting, and a handful of recognizable names in the cast (woe to you Brittany Murphy, Bruce Davison, and Eriq La Salle), but this one just wasn’t fun.  Maybe I’ve seen too may of these, maybe it’s the fact that MegaFault is a disaster movie and I I’ve never met a disaster movie I liked, or maybe this one just wasn’t special. (more…)

Here’s your advanced warning, next Saturday, October 10th, the latest film from our friends at the Asylum will debut as a SyFy Channel Original. It’s called MegaFault, and after watching this trailer I defy you not to set your DVR:
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As you may or may not know or care, Film is Pwn on the “Screeners list” at our friends at the Asylum — the studio that brought us and the world such classics as Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and the TerminatorS — which is the ONLY studio we’ve actually contacted to get on the distribution list.  The problem with getting on too many of these lists is that you’re kind of obligated to review the DVDs when you get them, and I don’t want to be stuck reviewing season Season One of Saved By the Bell: The College Years. 

All year, the Asylum has churned out the kind of movie I love — low-budget, fun/bad Sci-Fi/action stuff.  The Film is Pwn staff eagerly anticipates the arrival of these DVDs, and drop everything at a moments notice to assemble at the Pwn Cave when the DVD comes.  But, as I mentioned in my Odds ‘n Ends blog from a few days ago, the latest Asylum release is an exception.  It’s a unrated, unratable stoner comedy called “Sex-Pot” that boasts being a cross between “Harold & Kumar” and “Half-Baked,” but looks more like the worst movie we’ve ever seen, National Lampoon’s Gold DIggers.   *Shudder*  (more…)

2009 is destined to go down as the Year of the Mega Shark, if not on the Chinese calendar than most certainly in my heart.  

Yes, I’m talking about Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  No other movie has inspired such excitement in my circle of fun/bad movie lovers, not even close.  I’ve had three separate screenings of the movie at my house, and there are more to come.  Tom and I performed our very own Rifftrax (hilarious, downloadable commentary track) for it.  I’ve taken the DVD to my office, and had to fight off people wanting to borrow it — “It’s mine!” I’d say as I beat my co-workers with a stick for no particular reason.  That won’t look too good on my next review, but I’d do it again if I had to.

Sadly, I’ve been thinking about this movie a bit, wondering: What are they going to do for the sequel?  (And, if the Asylum did a sequel to Transmorphers, they better do a sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a film that got some legit internet buzz and mainstream attention, derisive though it be.)
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The latest from our friends at the Asylum is Edgar Rice Burrough’s The Land That Time Forgot, and it is a return to the greatness almost on the level of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. 

The novel was brought to the screen once before in a 70s “classic” that I actually tried to watch earlier in the year, and even  I — the “Bad Movie King” — could slog my way through.  I haven’t read Burroughs novel, but I did attempt to read synopsis shortly after seeing the Asylum’s version, and I couldn’t even make it halfway into the two page recap before giving up.

So I feel confident in saying the Asylum version is easily the best of the three, because I actually made it through in one sitting, and had a blast (in the fun/bad mode, of course).
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