Film is Pwn

Starring: Klinton Spilsbury, Michael Horse, Christopher Lloyd, Jason Robards
Directed By: William A. Fraker

I think that whoever proposed re-launching the Lone Ranger franchise with 1981’s The Legend of the Lone Rangerhad a good idea. Of course, the path to bankruptcy is paved with good ideas.  New Coke was a good idea . . . if people liked the product.   Parents and grandparents grew up with the iconic Old West hero the Lone Ranger on TV or on radio.  Presumably those parental units would be excited to take their little consumers to the theater to enjoy a family friendly, PG adventure featuring the Lone Ranger.  On the drawing board it was so great: We’ll have old fashioned stunt work, horses, clearly defined heroes and villains, a moral and upright protagonist with a clear sense of right and wrong, and it’ll be awesome!  Oh, it all looked so promising.

Here is where the idea goes flying horribly off the track: Every single element after the green light ranging from casting to script to filming to catering.  The Legend of the Lone Ranger does not meander toward the wretched film abyss, it gallops blindfolded straight into the hall of awful at a brisk gallop shouting “Hi yo, Silver!” all the way to the bottom of that gorge of film infamy. (more…)

I must confess that I have been in a bit of a film funk of late.  My movie consumption intake has dropped from around 1 film per 2 days to something akin to 1 film every 2 weeks.  No movie has lured me to the multiplex since The Book of Eli (although Cop Out was tempting . . .).

I recently started to watch recent DVD releases District 9 and Where the Wild Things Are, and at the halfway point gave up due to disinterest.  I’m not saying either is bad, just I could not be bothered to sit through them as my mind wandered to distant lands where unicorns roam free and magic bears ride them to the Honeycomb Hideout.

Since the Asylum is kind enough to send Film is Pwn HQ advance copies of their DVDs (thanks, Asylum!), I feel somewhat obliged to screen them and write them up.  I feel it is important to provide this up front disclaimer to my review: Watching the Asylum’s latest release 6 Guns felt like homework before I started watching it.  As the film unfolded, it began to feel a tad bit more like I was the subject of a blind, amateur dentist’s first root canal. (more…)

Perhaps the most astonishing factoid I can provide about Jaws 4: The Revenge is that it exists.

The original Jaws is an all-time classic; it was the original Summer blockbuster that made oodles of money, put director Steven Spielberg on the map, and made chubby kids like me who swim like lame seals afraid to go in the water for fear of giant Great White Sharks.  Perhaps the only downside to Jawsis they forgot to kill off the fearsome beast at the end so that studio executives could not green light lame sequels.  Oh wait, I forgot, star Roy Scheider DID kill off the shark, blowing up the doggone thing in rather convincing fashion so that what was once the terror of the oceans became but mere chum for passing minnows.

But there is no such thing as a conclusive, definitive death in film, not when money can be made, just ask Jason Vorhees, Freddy Kruger, Spock, and John Travolta’s career. (more…)

Meteor Apocalypse is the first film I watched from the Asylum’s sister-low-budget-studio, Faith Films.  I’ll sum up Meteor Apocalypse with two adjectives that have quite possibly never been applied in a film review: “Relieved” and “Satisfied.”

Yes, it’s a bad movie, but please let me explain: I am a Christian and thereby had a vested interest in the movie.  Most Asylum releases I sit back and enjoy the B-movie goodness as “so-bad-it’s-good.”  But this wasn’t just a B-movie, it’s a Christian B-movie!  So, Meteor Apocalypse I had a little emotional investment. 

Why do I care?  To get a perspective, imagine you’re watching a bunch of kids play T-ball.  They are running around aimlessly, falling down arbitrarily, getting distracted by passing clouds, and one is attempting to chew on the baseball rather than throw it back into the infield.  Kinda funny, right?  Not if your kid is the worst of the bunch; then it’s embarrassing. But if your kid is as good as all the other bad kids, it’s okay! (Right? Someone with kids back me up on this!) (more…)

The horror movie “The Gingerdead Man” can be found in the DVD section marked “Yes, this movie actually exists.”  Other films in this section include, but are not limited to, Mansquito, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, and Jonas Brothers in 3-D.

All these films had a screenwriter who took the time off from his job at Sbarro to pen a script.  Actors signed on to the project either out of desperation or out of a game of truth or dare gone horribly, horribly wrong.  A director agreed to participate after failing to land that lucrative Caveman sitcom gig.  And perhaps most galling, someone, perhaps a billionaire hopped up on ether, gave these souls money to make it happen.  How did the stars align for these feature films but my own screenplay, Smokey the Bear vs. Alexander the Great: To the Pain! remains in limbo?  Who knows, but this isn’t about me selling that screenplay (contact me at DanielRoos1978@hotmail.com if you know anyone interested!). (more…)

My only comment: Awwwww, yea!

According to this web-site, the classic scene from our favorite B-movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is entirely, scientifically possible.  While I’m tempted to dismiss this as merely “Mega Science vs. Giant Common Sense,” the site does contain a nifty chart with statistics, so it must be true, right?  Aren’t 102% of statistics accurate? For those who haven’t seen the movie, click “more” and see the classic scene yourself (more…)

Oh, Asylum, you’ve done it again!

Princess of Mars is based on a novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, which is allegedly the inspiration for James Cameron’s Avatar.  In fact, right on the front cover of the DVD it says, “THE CLASSIC STORY THAT INSPIRED JAMES CAMERON’S AVATAR.”  The back cover of Princess of Mars boasts in a quote without a source: “HEART-POUNDING CREATURE ACTION OF STARSHIP TROOPERS AND THE EPIC ADVENTURE OF LORD OF THE RINGS!”  I hate to call anyone or any DVD cover a liar, but how can you trust someone who tells you that Starship Troopers contained “heart-pounding creature action”? Liar!

Avatar and Princess of Mars do both feature protagonists who are strangers in a strange land that fall in love with a scantily clad alien, but that is the plot to 94.2% of movies these days.  Of course, James Cameron spends more money on a single sneeze than the entire budget of the Asylum’s Princess of Mars. (more…)

Coming in April from our friends at the Asylum is a little film called MegaPiranha.  This is not the sequel to the Asylum’s cult hit, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but rather their version of the big budget Piranha 3-D movie that is coming in April as well.  But I think it’s safe to say that MegaPiranha is the cinematic cousin of Mega Shark.  And it’s not just because of giant sea creatures terrorizing humans.  Where Mega Shark starred 80’s teen sensation Debbie Gibson, MegaPiranha stars . . . 80s sensation Tiffany. (more…)

Twisters are a tasty treat served at KFC, good to eat by fast food standards and is best when served hot.  To prevent any confusion, from this point forward the word “twister” will exclusively be used in reference to tornadoes, not the delicious KFC wrap.  Mmm, I could go for a twister right about now . . . Yes, that was talking about the wrap, there, of course, I have no desire for a tornado.  Let us try this again: From here on out, “twister” refers to tornado.  I promise. (more…)

Robert Downey, Jr., eat your heart out.  January 26th, the Asylum (studio behind such releases as Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Transmorphers, etc.) releases its rendition of Sherlock Holmes.  If you thought director Guy Ritchie took liberties with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective, I’m going to guess that, based on the poster, the Asylum is going to take Holmes to places he’s never been before.  The movie description on the Asylum’s web-site says, and I copy and paste: “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London.” Want to see the poster? Take a look, take a lookers:
(more…)

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Yancy Butler, Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo
Directed by: John Woo

As an added bonus, this isn’t just a blog on a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, this, my friends, is the legendary team-up of Van Damme and Hong Kong’s logic defying director John Woo, Hard Target! Before you get your expectations too high, Hard Target, like most John Woo or JCVD films, has one idea (seldom original or clever), a lot of action, and no brains.

The idea is that there are a group of bad guys, led by Lance Henriksen (looking much like an evil Conan O’Brien) and Arnold Vosloo (a.k.a. the Mummy from the Mummy), who run an operation that allows wealthy men to hunt and kill homeless combat veterans for sport. The film opens as we see the latest victim, Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, who falls to an arrow in the curiously vacant streets of New Orleans. One interesting fact learned from the movie involving New Orleans is that the city contains zero residents not required by the plot either at night or during the day. (I assume they saved money by not hiring any extras and used the additional funds to blow more stuff up.) (more…)