Film is Pwn

It’s Tuesday, October 20th, the big day that Transformers Revenge of the Fallen is released on DVD.  This was the biggest box-office hit of the Summer,  and since I don’t think Sherlock Holmes is going to knock it off its perch this Fall, it’s safe to say it’ll be the biggest money-maker of the year.

A lot of people hate Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, and I can understand why.   If you’re like me and regarded the 2007 Transformers movie as a great nostalgia trip, you’ll probably still like the sequel, as it’s ostensibly an extension of the original, albeit louder and longer.

This blog was going to be my “in defense of” Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, but I’ve changed my mind.  Film is art, even if it involves giant transforming robots fighting on top of Pyramids, and art is subjective.   Some folks loved the movie, some enjoyed it for what it was (I fall in this category), some kind of liked it at first though changed their minds on a second viewing (Tom is in this category), and some found it torturous to watch the first time through (Brian falls in this category).  Instead of “in defense of,” I’m going to write about what it would have taken to make Transformers Revenge of the Fallen better, so there will be spoilers aplenty herein, be forewarned if you’re the one guy who wanted to see this but didn’t make it to the theater all Summer.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen will be the latest subject of a Film Is Pwn iRiff (feature length, comedic downloadable audio commentary tracks sold at Rifftrax.com), which should be complete and up for sale in a couple of days.  During multiple screenings of T2 in the process of riffing the film gave me some perspective of why Transformers 2 wasn’t all that great (even though I still maintain I like it — I’m not sure if or when I’ll mount the courage to watch it again, but doggone it, I still like it).  For starters, there’s the agonizing, unnecessary length at nearly two and a half hours.  Why, Michael Bay, why?

There was so much material plastered on screen that should have been left on the cutting room floor.  The story boils down to this: There is an ancient, evil robot called the Fallen who wants to find a long lost, planet killing device on planet Earth.  Sam (Shia Labeouf) is the only person who knows where the device is (for reasons too silly to get into here) and leader of the good robots, Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen, providing the second coolest voice-over ever, right behind James Earl Jones as Darth Vader), is the only one who could kill the Fallen.

The evil robots kill Optimus, and Sam and the good robots try to bring Optimus back to robo-life, as the evil robots hunt for Sam who has to bring Optimus back to life and save the Earth in the process from an ancient evil robot called the Fallen.  Got it?  That’s it.  That’s the movie.

What could be cut without missing anything?  The entire presence of Sam’s parents (Julie White & Kevin Dunn), who I found entertaining in the first film but were superfluous and annoying here.  Mom’s brownie-marijuana-induced comic rampage was not only painfully unfunny, it added nothing, and detracted from everything.  You don’t need the parents to advance the story at all, as you could start with Sam in college, skip the Sam leaving home stuff, and have one comic interlude with Sam on the phone with his parents.  The only minor impact the parents have on the actual plot is when they are kidnapped and used for leverage against Sam, and even that could have been done with Sam’s girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) without much effort.

There are a few things that happen during the home-to-college sequence, all of which could easily be combined with the exploit of Sam and his roommates on campus.  For example, Sam can discover the cube sliver (that transfers to him the knowledge that the Fallen seeks) as he unpacks his clothes instead of as he packs his clothes; he can “break-up” with his car/Autobot protector Bumblebee while there, too.

Cut the scene with the parents and you save fifteen minutes.  I’ll save you fifteen more: The leader of the Decepticons, Megatron, killed in the last movie?  Don’t bring him back to life.  Have the surviving Decepticons, led by Starscream, gang up and kill Optimus.  The Fallen is the main antagonist, and Megatron’s presence adds little.  Not only does that free up some time, but bringing Megatron back to robo-life sort of makes Optimus’ eventual resurrection less meaningful.  For those devastated by the death of Optimus, the message is clear: Of course Optimus can come back from the great scrap heap in the sky, Megatron did it earlier in the same film!

And I say trim the role of Sam’s zany roommate Leo (Ramon Rodriguez), too.  The guy is entertaining at first, but there are far too many comic relief characters all ready.  I say Sam and Mikaela ditch Leo after they escape the femmebot fatale (Isabel Lucas), and Leo can even pop back into the movie for a little payoff delivering a message to the military about bringing Optimus to Egypt.

Another reason to drop Leo is that John Torturro is highly enjoyable as the off-kilter, Agent Simmons, and after Simmons appears at the halfway mark, Leo tagging along with Sam and Mikaela becomes redundant.  I can’t praise Torturro without mentioning how scarred I was when I saw this on IMAX and he donned a thong for the camera.  I’m pretty sure that took years off my life.

Perhaps the most irritating thing about Transformers Revenge of the Fallen is that Michael Bay employed the philosophy that, when in doubt, add another digitally rendered, painfully unfunny, comic relief robot.  It seems just about everyone except the menacing villains, Optimus Prime, and Megan Fox are the comic relief.  One comment we made during the riffing is that (and I paraphrase from memory), “Most blockbusters have only one comic relief, Transformers 2 made the bold choice to make every single character the comic relief.”  Then I believe it was Brian who added: “And the even bolder choice to make none of them funny!”  In fairness, some are funny (John Torturro mainly) most get annoying really quick (the Autobot twins).

Bottom line, Revenge of the Fallen is still fun for many, though critics unabashedly lambasted it and many people found it unwatchable.  Me, I stand by my initial review in the Summer, where I basically said (here I go, paraphrasing myself again):  “If you loved the original, you’ll like this one; if you didn’t like the original, you’ll probably hate this one, and if you hated the first one, Transformers Revenge of the Fallen is probably enough to put you off of movies for a very, very long time.”  But, hey, why not rent the movie this weekend, buy the hilarious rifftrax to be available from us in a few days, and you’re guaranteed a good time!*

–Daniel J. Roos

*Guarantee is not an actual guarantee.  Offer not valid in New Hampshire.  Transformers Revenge of the Fallen should only be watched by those healthy enough for visual activity.  Consult a doctor if your eyes start to bleed while viewing Transformers Revenge of the Fallen.