Film is Pwn

Thor: Hammer of the Gods is the epitome of Film Is Pwn’s “TV” rating (patent pending): It’s a movie that’s worth watching when it comes on TV and you have time to kill and all the other channels are showing Ben Affleck movies and it’s raining outside and you can’t read a book because you’re illiterate and you can’t do any physical activity because your leg is broken and the doctor said you should stay off it and the remote control is just out of your reach and your wife decided to not get it for you before she went out into the rain to go shopping with your money or maybe you don’t have a wife but you still don’t want to go out because it’s raining and your leg is broken even though you think if you might go out to the local Family Dollar you might meet a nice lady who might one day become your wife if she takes pity on you for being wet and on crutches and so forth.  I believe that’s Film Is Pwn’s definition of “TV” as well as our most perfunctory run-on-sentence in our relatively brief existence.

Anyhoo, the story in Thor: Hammer of the Gods follows vikings sailing to an uncharted island on a three year tour for no particular reason.  I think it had something to do with their noble leader Baldur (Mac Brandt) wanting to claim new land for his father, tribe, or hot wife (who’s along for the joy ride), but the point is vikings are going to a mysterious island where the weather calls for intermittent fog and snow, depending on what mood the filmmakers wish to set.  I’m no meteorologist (no, it’s true!), but I think a forecast that calls for fog and snow on the same day is somewhat uncommon, but this particular island is heavy on the mood, light on the hard science.

I shouldn’t be too harsh on the filmmakers for striving to create atmosphere at the expense of logic, because there are –amazingly — some genuinely good looking visuals featuring the vikings in the snow and the generic monsters concealed in darkness and shadow, which is more than you can say for 99.9973% of low-budget SyFy Channel/Asylum movies.

As I alluded to, our vikings discover the island has werewolf-like inhabitants, who begin to pick off the vikings – too proud to resort to “sticking together” – one at a time.  The viking smorgasbord is enabled by Head Viking Dude Baldur, whose sterling leadership sees the vikings wandering aimlessly and splitting up more frequently than Scooby Doo and gang while hunting for the Ghost Accountant of Cobb County.  Considering Baldur’s loyal little brother Thor has his name above the title, I wouldn’t bet the farm on Baldur ruling for too long, Vegas movie odds makers say smart money is on noble, self-sacrificial death.  [Film Is Pwn does not encourage movie related gambling, though if you find someone taking bets on whether the Titanic will sink or not, bet the farm on it NOT sinking - our sources tell us that baby is nigh unsinkable.]

Anyhoo, the vikings discover a one shack “village” with a group of ragged survivors being hounded by the monsters.  Amusingly, the village’s primary means of protection is a fence that clearly covers only one of four corners of the village perimeter.  Despite this glaring architectural flaw, it has a functioning gate that our heroes use to hold back their attackers, who are seemingly too dumb to simply walk around the incomplete fence.

The battle scenes are pretty uninspired, victims of the lack of budget or skilled fight choreographer.  Cinematography ranges from not bad to pretty good, with limited sets where our vikings wander back between one area of the uncharted woods to another, always coming back to the one shack.  The mysterious wolf creatures are kept well hidden during the first third of the film, and when there’s mystery it’s borderline cool and I thought I might have stumbled on a legitimately “OK” SyFy Channel flick.  As soon as the monsters are shown for more than a few seconds at a time, and it’s the usual combination of cheap costume and CGI, the illusion collapses like a house of cards.

The biggest drawback to Thor: Hammer of the Gods is the tedious viking dialogue.  It’s chalked full of vikingisms that sound like refrains torn out of the pages of Beowulf (the actual, impenetrable poem or the turid 2007 film, take your pick).  On the voyage to the island, one of the viking women says, “The eyes of the wolf moon points the way.”  To which Baldur replies: “That they do.”  Later, after a skirmish with the wolf creatures, Baldur says to Thor, “You fought well today, Brother.  It’s a shame you didn’t die.”  If I didn’t know better, I’d think the screenwriter researched vikings by watching plenty of Star Trek episodes featuring Klingons.  I checked the credits, and sadly there was no character named Worfomir.

For all you Tim Allen fans, the former Home Improvement child actor Zachery Ty Bryan plays Thor.  I only saw Home Improvement  once or twice, so the novelty of the kid who’s now — spoiler warning! — become a manbeing in this SyFy Channel cheapie really didn’t do it for me, but I thought it’s an interesting nugget of info.  Before I knew who he was, I thought Zachery Ty Bryan looked like suspiciously like Seth Rogen who has been doing push-ups for the past few weeks.  His Thor sports a buzz cut with the makings of a mohawk on top, which looks pretty lame. If you’re going to have a mohawk, shave the rest of your head, my man!  The fauxhawk means a non-committed actor, if you ask me – which, I might point out, you didn’t.

Thor: Hammer of the Gods is ostensibly a low-budget remake of the lackluster Antonio Banderas medieval thriller the 13th Warrior.  The 13th Warriorfeatured vikings defending their kin against seemingly supernatural forces with the aid of an exiled Arab played by Banderas, and it’s one of those movies I feel I ought to like even though it’s neither entertaining nor good, despite a neat premise and an intriguing, ominous beginning.

For a genuinely entertaining Vikings and the supernatural action flick, check out Outlander, a super fun sci-fi film that recently slipped into theaters below the radar, and has a good chance of becoming a cult classic destined to air for decades on TNT, TBS, and/or USA Network. 

–Daniel J. Roos is sad that he could not find a clip of this movie on youtube, nor is it for sale on DVD.  It will be airing or the next decade on SyFy, if it is any comfort.