Film is Pwn

When it comes to movies, I must be a glutton for punishment, or there’s no way I would have rented Knowing.  Or, to put it another way, knowing that Knowing would stink, I don’t know why I’d go out and get Knowing, if you know what I mean.  (Just pretend that you’re following so that we can move on, and I don’t have to admit I’m not sure what I’m talking about either.)

Knowing is one of those self-important science fiction movies that aspires to be art and succeeds only if one considers crap thrown randomly on an over sized canvas to be “art.”  The director is Alex Proyas, the man behind Dark City, a great movie full of foreboding mystery, dark, and a city.  The star is Nicolas Cage, which effectively cancels out any advantage Knowing had thanks to Proyas.

What’s the movie about?  Other than little things like foreknowledge of Earth’s impending destruction, Knowing is about destiny, fate, and spooky children.  (Disclaimer, this will be a tad bit of a spoiler heavy blog, so if you’re planning on seeing the movie in the near future, please keep reading so I can talk you out of it.)

It seems that Cage is a Professor of Depressing Philosophy Lectures at a picturesque, quaint college with pretty, attentive students.  It seems Cage believed in fate, destiny, and generic spirituality where you believe in vague concepts like Heaven but don’t have to possess any faith associated with such beliefs.  We learn his house of cards crumbled when Cage’s wife died, and Cage didn’t feel any spiritual disconnection as his soulmate slipped into the next life, or, as Nick likes to think, complete oblivion.

I’m not sure what nonspecific belief system that Cage subscribed to, or why we’re supposed to be devastated that he no longer believed in it based solely on the fact he didn’t burst into tears upon the occasion of his wife’d demise.  Cage’s Dad is a preacher, who Cage doesn’t speak with because of some rift, presumably involving this lapse in faith.  What did Dad teach Cage?  Is there some denomination that teaches the holy writ of gut feelings of spousal demise?  I can buy a guy losing his faith — particularly this generifaith — of a tragic and premature demise of a loved one, but this seems like a pretty lame pivot point.  “I’m not really so mad that my wife was taken so soon, but the fact that a hummingbird didn’t tell me that it happened is what really convinced me that there is no heaven. God?  I was never sure about that Guy, but heaven I had a lot of trust in.” 

Cage’s creepy kid, Chandler gets a letter from a time capsule, which was written by an even creepier girl at the school fifty years earlier.  Chandler takes the letter home, and Cage is struck by the fact that the numbers correlate to great disasters over the last fifty years, complete with death tolls and coordinates, with a few more happening in the next few days and then the list runs out.  Cage is skeptical of the veracity of the list, and takes it to his friend the scientist, Phil (Ben Mendelsohn).  As they explore the numbers and the staggering accuracy, Phil shows astounding scientiific curiosity when he councils Cage: “Right now, my scientific mind is telling me to have nothing more to do with this.  And yours should, too.”  Yeah.

Shortly thereafter, one of the disaster disasters – a plane crash scene straight out of the premiere episiode of the TV show lost – happens right in front of Cage.  Kind of hard to be a cynic right after that, right?

To complicate things, there is a telepathic, possibly extraterrestrial, definitely British, rock ‘n roll band is following Cage & Son around town, whispering sweet, ominous nothings in lil’ Chandler’s brain.  Pretty soon, Chandler is obsessively writing those pesky, ominous letters down on paper too.

Doubt and cynicism are replaced by a obsession, and I felt forced to watch Cage carry out his ridiculous quest.  I’m not sure what was more annoying, the fact that Cage believes this doomsday clock crap or the fact that it all turns out to be true.

Yeah, the world is coming to an end, and a race of super aliens has apparently been trying to warn us through special children for fifty years or more.  To be frank, these aliens suck at communication.  Cage’s kid Chandler is one of the lucky few that the aliens pick to start humanity over on a new planet, as Cage is left to reconcile with Dad as the Earth blows up from a solar flare or some such event. 

The end.  Still want to see it?  Thought not.

–Daniel J. Roos has free movie coupons thanks to his Discover Card rewards, so he didn’t actually waste any money on this train wreck, just about two hours of his life that he’ll never, ever get back.  Mr. Roos demands a temporal refund!