Film is Pwn

The latest effort from our friends at The Asylum, Transmorphers: The Fall of Man is the long awaited prequel to their 2007 film Transmorphers (well, “long awaited” by those of us at Film Is Pwn HQ at least).  For those who don’t remember the movie or, at the very least, my very amusing blog on the film,  Transmorphers told the never-before-revealed,  true story of a post-robot apocalypse Earth and its band of underground, community theater reject/freedom fighters, which bore more of a resemblance to the Matrix franchise than the actual Transformers film.  At that point, the Asylum special effects were basically a joke, and not even like the good jokes, they were more like the joke you heard that you thought was really funny but you couldn’t remember how it went so you totally gave away the punch line in the set-up and no one was even sure which part was supposed to be funny — that’s how bad the special effects were!  The monstrous, killer robots were about half as convincing as stop-motion creatures comprised entirely of Legos, and probably took about as long to construct.

Over the last few months, the low-to-no-budget special effects division of the Asylum has gotten a LOT better.   It’s on par with Sci-Fi Channel original movie standards, and I’m a little stunned to admit there are several moments when the new breed of giant robots look downright decent (not by Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen standards, where the budget for one Optimus Prime blink equals the entire budget of Transmorphers 2, including the catering).  Of course, in an odd sort of way, the more competent special effects make the movie slightly less enjoyable.  Even the caliber of writing and acting has moved up a full three notches in legitimate skill level.  But not to worry, there are plenty of logic flaws, strange edits, cheesy effects, and sub par supporting actors to keep the fun/bad movie lover more than entertained!

Transmorphers: The Fall of Man takes place in modern times, as the robots take control of the planet.  The robots are a bit more Transformers-like, with a cell-phone attack its owner, cars talking back to their drivers then transforming — I mean, transmorphing, of course — into a full-scale robot with wheels on its appendages. 

The three leads are, in no particular order, Shane Van Dyke, grandson of Dick Van Dyke, wrote the screenplay and stars as messed up war veteran turned perfect candidate to lead the human race versus the invading robots, a la John Connor.  Alana DiMaria is his once and perhaps future girlfriend, dressed like Daphne from Scooby Doo for the first half of the film.  Tron star Bruce Boxleitner is the local Sheriff, destined to go down in a self-sacrificial blaze of glory that looks totally unnecessary.

The absolute highlight of the movie is at the 30 minute mark, when our three heroes are being chased by an SUV without a driver that has been overtaken by the robot intelligence seizing the planet.  If you look closely, see if you can spot two minor flaws:

   1. In every long shot, the car without a driver most certainly has a driver.  The car windows are tinted to disguise him and he’s wearing black from head to toe to gloves, but oh, there’s a driver except when they cut to close-ups of the car.
   2. The shot where the police car housing Bruce Boxleitner, Alana DiMaria, and Shane Van Dyke is running from the “ghost car,” which shows three completely different people in the car; seriously, it’s at the 31:12 mark, look for it.  Middle-aged, gray-haired Boxleitner is replaced by a young man with a shaved head; long-haired, brunette DiMaria is being substituted with a young woman who appears to have orange hair.  I can’t make this stuff up.

The malevolent robots’ scheme is to disable Earth’s defenses, then launch an all out invasion that culminates in changing the atmosphere and water to suit their purposes, and its up to a ragtag group of survivors to stop it.

This leads to another of my favorite scenes occurs when the survivors are deciding who is going on a veritable suicide mission to stop the invading robots’ plans to terraform our planet to suit their needs.  After every single person attending volunteers — all seven of them — Van Dyke says seven is enough and that’s all who they can take.  To reiterate: there was no one else in the meeting or in the little survivor’s camp to partake the mission.

The vibe of Transmorphers 2 is not really similar to Transformers, other than the transforming robots; it reminds me more of the Terminator than the Asylum’s own Terminator knock-off, dubbed the Terminators (with an “S”!).  Sadly, the similarities are between Transmorphers 2 and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machine, not one of the first two, good Terminator movies.  Of course, I’d rather watch Transmorphers 2 tonight than endure the disastrous Terminator 3: Rise of the Machine again.

Transmorphers 2 is a lot of fun, though not nearly as enjoyable as the last Asylum release, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  Of all the backhanded compliments I can give a movie, this will definitely be the most recent: Transmorphers 2 is too DECENT.  I mean, a bigger budget, a little script doctoring, get some bigger names in the cast, call it something other than Transmorphers: The Fall of Man, and this would be a legit movie.

Where are the endlessly recycled special effects?  Where is that hilarious guy who played the Sub Helmsman in Mega Shark?  Why are the characters motives so clearly defined and their actions understandable?  Why is there no gigantic shark biting a airplane in mid-flight?  Have I been disaffected by seeing so many Sci-Fi Channel originals and Asylum films over the past several months that I can’t tell Transmorphers apart from Transformers? Why am I having a hard time ripping into this movie?  Is it me? Have I lost my touch? Am I asking a lot of rhetorical questions, or is it just me? Did I leave the iron on? Wait, do I even OWN an iron? *Sigh* 

Has the Asylum jumped the proverbial shark (not the actual Mega Shark) and has actually ascended into being a run-of-the-mill, average, B-movie studio? 

Nah. This is still wonderfully awful.

–Daniel J. Roos