Film is Pwn

The latest effort from our friends at The Asylum, Transmorphers: The Fall of Man is the long awaited prequel to their 2007 film Transmorphers (well, “long awaited” by those of us at Film Is Pwn HQ at least).  For those who don’t remember the movie or, at the very least, my very amusing blog on the film,  Transmorphers told the never-before-revealed,  true story of a post-robot apocalypse Earth and its band of underground, community theater reject/freedom fighters, which bore more of a resemblance to the Matrix franchise than the actual Transformers film.  At that point, the Asylum special effects were basically a joke, and not even like the good jokes, they were more like the joke you heard that you thought was really funny but you couldn’t remember how it went so you totally gave away the punch line in the set-up and no one was even sure which part was supposed to be funny — that’s how bad the special effects were!  The monstrous, killer robots were about half as convincing as stop-motion creatures comprised entirely of Legos, and probably took about as long to construct. (more…)

When I was a kid way back in this decade we used to call the 80s, my two favorite cartoon shows were GI Joe and Transformers.  So the 2007 blockbuster was not just a fun, action movie with transforming robots, it was a huge nostalgia trip for me.  Just hearing the voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) gave me goosebumps in the theater, and Transformers ranks as one of my Top 10 favorite theatrical experiences.

Since the original made enough money to buy all the energon cubes you’d ever need, now it’s sequel time.  And Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is more than just a sequel, it is basically an extension of the 2007 blockbuster Transformers, for better or worse.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn’t as good, in my opinion, because it’s not as fresh, fun, and surprising as the original movie.  Still, I liked this movie and had a lot of fun.
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In a mega-rare occurrence for me, I attended live theater over the weekend.  (For those unaware, ”live theater” is kind of like a movie, except instead of watching a screen, you are watching actual human beings on a stage performing the action right in front of you.  Amazing, I know!)

Rest assured, even though I’ve attended my first local stage production, I did not get any more cultured, as the play I saw was Evil Dead: The Musical, presented by Actor’s Theatre of Charlotte.
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The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is, if you pardon the obsolete and thoroughly inappropriate jargon, a darn, tootin’ good thriller, a change-up from the usual Summer blockbuster, franchise spawning, comic book based, TV show adapted, mega special effects extravaganza.  Don’t misunderstand me, there’s a big budget here complete with gunfire and big ol’ car crashes and big stars — they don’t get much bigger than Denzel Washington — but attraction here is the story and the interplay between the antagonist and protagonist.

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For those new to the site, Asylum Studios specializes in making low-budget movies along similar themes to big budget movies with questionably similar titles, and releasing them on DVD in conjunction with the big budget release.  As Transmorphers was to Transformers, I Am Omega is to the 2007 Will Smith blockbuster I Am Legend.

Not unlike its cinematic forebearers, I Am Omega involves an individual who is seemingly the last survivor of a worldwide plague that turned at least some of its victims into zombies.  Our hero is Richard, perhaps an homage to the classic author Richard Matheson who wrote the novel “I Am Legend”.  To fully appreciate the cheekiness of dubbing the knock-off “I Am Omega,” you must know the previous incarnation of the Matheson tome was the Omega Man starring Charlton Heston.  (And before that was VIncent Price in The Last Man on Earth, which I happen to think was the best adaptation, but that’s just me.)  Sadly the filmmakers couldn’t complete their vision and find a dude named Smill With to play the “Last Legendary Omega Man Who I Am”, so they settled on Mark Dacascos, star of Kickboxer 5.  And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, the best Kickboxer movie was Kickboxer 5, though we all have high hopes for Kickboxer vs. Cardio Boxer.
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I’ve never heard of this movie, but I may have to get a copy, if for no other reason than to enjoy this hi-larious riffing from the crew at Rifftrax.  Enjoy this wee little sample:
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The latest film from noted disaster film maker Roland Emmerich, 2012.  Of course, when I say that Roland is a “noted disaster film maker,” I mean that “it has been noted that Roland Emmerich’s films are total disasters.”  The man has been gradually devolving in terms of film quality from the pretty doggone good Stargate, to the initially entertaining than gradually frustrating Independence Day, to the just plain wretched Godzilla (1998) remake, to the so bad it’s funny Day After Tomorrow (2004), to the abominable cave man action film 10,000 B.C.

Like most the rest of Roland’s canon, in 2012 it appears the Earth faces annihilation from an ancient Mayan prediction.  Scared yet?  Keep your eye out for the new way they’ve figured out how to destroy the White House,  soaked with implausible, hilarious irony:

Coming June 30th from our friends at the Asylum, is the prequel to Transmorphers, Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man. Can this possibly top the last Asylum outing, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus? Not a chance, but I’m looking forward to this anyway:

Last week’s big DVD release, the International, is an ideal renter – it’s a good thriller worth watching once.  I’m glad I saw it, enjoyed watching it, but I doubt I’ll have the inclination to check it out when it enters the endless cable movie channel cycle in a few months.

Clive Owen stars as an idealistic INTERPOL agent doggedly pursuing a cutthroat, all-powerful, all-knowing, and downright dastardly bank that essentially rules the known world.  Anyone who talks to our hero either on the record or off the record winds up dead, the latest victim offers the investigation a lead into the bank’s favorite hitman, or, as they like to call him, their “consultant.”  Next time my company brings in a “consultant,” I’m going to have to watch my mouth with him, just in case we’re turning into an evil conglomerate bent on world domination . . .
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You know, with a basic premise that boils down to “Vampires vs. Werewolves with no plot holes barred” you’d assume that after three tries the Underworld franchise would make an entertaining guilty pleasure if only by accident, but Underworld: Rise of the Lycans fails like its predecessors.  No, I take that back, it’s not exactly the same failure — Underworld: Rise of the Lycans fails more recently than the first two.

I assure you, I haven’t watched these movies expecting anything other than some good ol’ fashioned escapism, some ludicrous fight scenes, and no ridiculous reason for it all, but it turns out that is too much to ask.

The creators take their little trumped up mythology far, far too seriously.  Heck, Martin Scorsese will even once in a while let a moment of levity slip into his movies, but not these clowns. The world of Underworldis perpetually bathed in blue hued darkness and populated by overwrought, melodramatic actors attempting to speak Sci-Fi Channel dialogue written as if it were Shakespeare.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying a fantasy/sci-fi universe should not be treated as something serious, but when your hook is werewolves, vampires, a hot chick in black leather, and bare chested dudes, you might want to have a little bit of fun.
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[Editor's note: The below thoughts do not reflect the views, opinions, or the mental acumen of Film Is Pwn or its editors. However, they were submitted by a man named Ricardo Hemmingway, and we are all too scared of him to not post his submission here. However, we would likely to strongly encourage you not to read this particular entry. Go visit one of the other posts by Daniel, Tom, or Larry. Well, mostly just Daniel, but you get the point. There is nothing to see here. Thank you for your understanding.]

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The Dirty Dozen is one of the quintessential “guy’s movies,” a stand-out World War II flick, and a classic that still stands up more than four decades later.  This is the movie that brings grown men to tears:

Frankly, I was surprised to learn there was a sequel to the Dirty Dozen — it’s almost as unthinkable as making a third Godfather movie and nobody cared.  But in 1985 there came to be a Dirty Dozen sequel, wittily titled The Dirty Dozen: The Next Mission, but before you get all excited, it’s made-for-TV.   It looks like it was achieved by the Magnum P.I. crew during their Summer break, with the significant footnote that this movie got one of the last performances from the legendary Lee Marvin, reprising his role as Major Reisman.  Chronologically, the picture takes place about a year after the original, but its pretty clear seventeen years have passed for the actor.  Marvin still has that Clint-Eastwood-caliber-tough-guy gravitas, but he looks often tired and feeble, even as he’s written into beating up the spry, rebellious new recruits. (more…)