Film is Pwn

Perhaps once in a generation comes a film that is capable of capturing the spirit, the disposition, and the yearning of an entire generation.  Such films transcend definition and cannot be pigeonholed to a single genre and are never defined as a “guy movie” or a “chick flick,” these are human movies that encapsulate the human experience to a degree that weakens the knees, lightens the heart, and quivers the lips of the hardest of cynics.  Applause is not praise enough for these rarest of movies, and Academy Awards too meaningless a prize.  These movies have inspired the apathetic, changed lives for the better, brought an end to decades of feudal warfare, and in one rare case cured a terminal disease.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is not such a film.  But it is a lot of fun.

With a title like “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,” the anticipation in Film Is Pwn HQ was off the charts.  Strangely, we weren’t the only ones excited.  Some publicity from MTV.com made this little offering from our friends at the Asylum a bit of an Internet phenomenon, with the trailer getting over six hundred thousand hits on youtube alone before the release.  It’s kind of like the buzz behind Snakes on a Plane, except in this movie Samuel L. Jackson’s dialogue isn’t dictated by fans on message boards.  Oh, yeah, and Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is vastly more entertaining than Snakes on a Plane for the simple reason it’s neither trying to be a camp classic sensation nor a great movie, it’s just the latest in a string of very silly, low-budget romps with grand ideas and generally less than professional execution from the Asylum.

To say the plot of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is lacking would be an understatement, but who shows up to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus for little things like story, character development, or realism?  This is a film that features a shark the size of Des Moines taking a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge, for Roger Corman’s sake!

Pop singer Deborah Gibson is an oceonographasomethingorother who, while taking a joy ride in a submersible observing migrating whales happens to witness not only the greatest collection of sea life ever to converge on one spot of ocean (hammerhead sharks, schools of fish, seals, a flock of whales, etc.) but the de-icing of Mega Shark and Giant Octopus.

Not only does the site of Deborah Gibson’s nature gazing play host to the greatest collection of animal life since Noah assembled the A(rk)-Team, at that spot off Alaska at that very moment two other unlikely events are happening: The military is deploying an illegal radio transmitter for no discernible reason that confuses the poor whales and causes them to smash into those Alaskan polar ice caps, even as the polar ice caps are melting at a level of exaggeration compatible with the most inconvenient of truths.

So, the disaster is caused by the source of all evil: Global warming and evil military shenanigans.  Also, all of our heroes love animals much more than humans, and two of them have major pivot points in their lives that involve dolphins.  As such, it was no surprise when, later in the film, we see our heroes get into a car emblazoned with an Obama 2008 bumper sticker.  Curse you, Dick Cheney, for unleashing Mega Shark and Giant Octopus with your callus policies!  Why wouldn’t you listen to Saint Al of Gore before dooming us all?!!

The rest of the film is essentially a trio of scientists, including Ms. Gibson and her old Scottish mentor dude and Japanese scientist and awkward love interest, trying to stop the beasts while dealing with U.S./Japan governmental cover-ups (at least they spread the blame).  Eventually, faced with monsters they are unable to regulate, embargo, or tax, the governments panic and turn over supreme authority to the scientists, who end up bossing around Navy captains in both the U.S. and Japanese Navy.

The combined might of scientific brains, military might, United Nations sanctions, and Lorenzo Lamas are insufficient to stop either beast, so the decision is made to lure the beasts to each other so they can duke it out.  And duke it out they do!

The effects are so bad they’re good, and feature numerous repeated special effects that defy explanation.  The speed, size, and lethality of the beasts varies wildly from scene to scene, depending on the needs of the *cough* “story.”  The exact same mega shark swimming scene shown at least seven times.  Mega Shark bites off one of Giant Octopus’ tentacles, and the next shot the tentacle is back, until Mega Shark bites it off again a few minutes later.

I’ve shown the trailer to several people, all of whom come out of their seat in the iconic “shark leaps and grabs the low-flying plane” scene.  And that’s just the tip of the (melting) iceberg, my friends.

What else do you need to know?  Go rent this movie!

–Daniel J. Roos