Film is Pwn

Rod Hilton of the Editing Room published the abridged script of Wolverine. Here’s a snippet.

FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE – CANADA, 1845

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN, who kind of resembles the kid from FREAKS AND GEEKS, is sick in bed.  His brother, YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER, glowers over him while his father, PETER O’BRIEN, looks on.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Father!  I had a terrible nightmare!  I was hosting the Oscars, and I was part of this incredibly embarrassing musical number and–

PETER O’BRIEN

Shh, it’s alright son.  You’re safe now, back in Canada in 1845.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Wait, what?  Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867.  Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?

Suddenly, there is a RUCKUS downstairs.

PETER O’BRIEN

It sounds like your brother’s biological father is downstairs.  I’ll be back in a minute, barring some tragic death that you’d expect to shape the very hairy man you will become but won’t.

He goes downstairs and is SHOT.  YOUNG HUGH, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be bedridden with illness, runs downstairs.  Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION and he stabs YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER’S father, AARON JEFFERY.

AARON JEFFERY

He wasn’t your father.  I was.  You’ll have awesome mutton chops.

(dies)

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

I’m so confused, who the hell is related to whom then?

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

The only thing I know for certain is that mom’s a slut.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Well, the women in the audience didn’t come to see some pale kid in a robe.  We should go ahead and skip to shirtless adulthood.

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

Yeah, let’s go fight for our country in war!

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

We’re Canadian, buddy.

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

Let’s go fight for the United States in war for some reason!

HUGH and LIEV grow up and fight in the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War.

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