Film is Pwn

Paparazzi is a film dedicated to making paparazzi — the low-life photographers who make their living taking pictures of celebrities walking their dogs in flip-flops while eating tacos — look bad.  Let me ask: Is there any contingent of society that actually respects and admires paparazzi?  I assume that even the people who read the dirt mags that publish the paparazzi’s seedy work consider them shameless, were they to think about it.  Does any child tell their parent they want to chase down pampered egomaniacs in hope of getting a photo of their underwear when they grow up?  Is it really necessary to concoct an entire movie where paparazzi are Snidely Whiplash-caliber villains, in danger of tying the heroes wife to railroad tracks as they twirl their handlebar mustaches?

If you think I’m exaggerating in some way, please take into account this little nugget of dialogue spoken by lead paparazzo “Rex Harper” addressing an image of the movie star he’s set his sites on: “I am going to destroy your life and eat your soul.  And I can’t wait to do that.” All this is not to say one could not make a compelling motion picture casting paparazzi as the villains, I’m just saying this is not that film.

Paparazzi revolves around emerging action star thrust on the spotlight after the success of his breakthrough role in Adrenaline Force, Bo Laramie (Cole Hauser).  Yes, the star’s name is “Bo Laramie,” which is the kind of name someone would think of only if writing a screenplay or attempting to come up with a spokesman for your cigarette company.

Bo is besieged by a gang of four paparazzi, who work together with remarkable politeness considering they all can’t sell the same photographs.  As he watches his son playing soccer, the incredibly thin-skinned Bo is suckered into a confrontation by the sleaziest of the sleazy, Rex Harper (Tom Sizemore), which ends with Bo punching Rex in front of hidden cameras.  Rex sues Bo, Bo pays up and goes to anger management, and yet Rex isn’t done.

At this point, let me answer the question that’s on all your minds: Yes, typing the character names “Rex” and “Bo” so frequently is a bit embarrassing.  One wonders how the screenwriter got through it without being compelling to changing one of their names to something like “Stan” or “Roger.”

Anyhoo, Rex and his cohorts orchestrate a high speed, vehicular ambush wherein they surround Bo’s car as he is driving home with wife Abby (Robin Tunney) and son and unleash a full-fledged assault of flash photography on the movie star.  Bo does the only thing he can: he slams on the brakes . . . right in the middle of an intersection.  Sure enough, a truck plows into the star’s car moments later.  In case you weren’t sold on how evil the paparazzi are by now, they immediately descend on the wreckage and take as many pictures as possible before authorities arrive.

Things take a drastic turn at this point, as Bo goes through a brief period of mourning at the injuries to his wife and son, then opts to become a serial killer.  Bo “accidentally” runs one of the paparazzo who caused and shot his accident off a cliff days later (Bo being an incompetent driver is a key character trait).  When Bo goes to help the poor sap hanging off the cliff, the paparazzo is foolish enough to threaten Bo before Bo has actually succeeded in pulling him to safety.  Bo lets go, and the guy plummets to his death.

From there, Bo takes aim at the remaining three guilty paparazzi.  The next “when actors attack” execution involves Bo luring a paparazzo to the set of his film, planting a prop gun in the paparazzo’s coat, calling 911 and saying the paparazzo was brandishing a gun, then depending on the confused paparazzo to pull out the prop gun when confronted by the police, who will then shoot the paparazzo dead.  That’s the plan, and it despite being one of the stupidest murder plots hatched this side of Murder, She Wrote, it works perfectly.

Things actually get more dumb from there, as Rex Harper and the only other surviving accomplice Wendell Stokes (Daniel Baldwin) recognize their amigos died at the hands of Bo Laramie, and are determined to get him before he gets them.

Through all of this, it is clear that we’re supposed to be rooting for Bo to get comeuppance on those rascally paparazzi, but I was rooting for the good natured though slow-witted cop played by veteran character actor Dennis Farina, in the vague hope that he’d throw all these guys in jail and be done with it.  Sadly, that’s not the case, and we are propelled toward a showdown between meathead actor turned meathead avenger and the scuzzy photographer who took his picture.  Huzzah!

One of Paparazzi’s problems is that it offers cameos from bigger stars than the actual stars.  There are appearances by Chris Rock, Mel Gibson (one of the producers), Matthew McConaughey, and Vince Vaughn, not to mention ample name dropping of actual stars like Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez.  This is a movie about a movie star, and that guy is played by Cole Hauser, who is about as mediocre and bland an actor as you’re likely to find, not to mention he’s not a credible leading man and never was.

Tom Sizemore is a passable actor, but he can’t carry the picture as a scene-stealing villain.  Three people are credited with casting the picture, and I wonder which one of them was responsible for bringing in Daniel Baldwin??  Interestingly, all of Daniel Baldwin’s previous experiences with genuine paparazzi were cases where Daniel was mistaken for brother Alec.  Daniel does get to deliver one of countless, classic lines of dialogue where he expounds on why paparazzi were so great: “We’re the last of the real hunters!”  Yes, the lineage of great prey for great hunters devolved from sabretooth tigers to lions to Tom Cruise in just a few thousand years.

Forgive me for saying it, but the cute kid playing Bo Laramie’s child is painfully dreadful.  He looks like a six-year old performing in a school play, reading cue cards held by the teacher; I can only assume he was hired because of his cuteness.  He is understandably written out of the picture and put in the only role he can pull off: kid in coma after the car accident.  If putting a character in a coma sounds too melodramatic for you, try on this line, spoken to concerned Dad by the doctor: “Comas are tricky things, Bo.”

Comas are tricky things, Fake Movie Doctor, and so is concocting a taut thriller.  Paparazzi is not even close to a good movie.

–Daniel J. Roos bought the DVD of Paparazzi used for $1.99, and sold it Saturday at a yard sale for $2.00. This signifies the greatest profit-margin ever associated with the motion picture Paparazzi.