Film is Pwn

The Asylum, the studio that brought the world Transmorphers, presents the Da Vinci Treasure. If National Treasure and the Da Vinci Code were to have a baby, and that baby had no budget and starred Lance Henriksen and C. Thomas Howell, that baby would look a lot like The Da Vinci Treasure.

The film opens with a thrilling heist wherein Michael (Howell) breaks into the heavily guarded home of a Da Vinci collector, protected by an armada of security guards, not one of whom possesses one iota of peripheral vision, to steal a “lost Da Vinci Codex.”  Yes, they quite liberally use the phrase “Da Vinci Codex,” and Michael even says: “The Da Vinci Codex.  Unbelievable!” as if to pass judgment on how they can get away with such liberties. But let me not neglect the fact that the “lost codex” is quite found in a private collector’s possession, and therefore can’t be technically be considered lost.  But after our hero steals it, it can be renamed “the stolen Da Vinci Codex.”

Anyhoo, Michael manages to make off with the ancient parchments, which he shoves in his pocket for the daring escape, but it all gets stolen by the villainous Dr. Coven (Henriksen).  Coven doesn’t quite say: “Dr. Jones. Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away”, but he does come close.  Seriously, the omniscience required to so aptly follow two people skulking around the globe would either require a traitor, a tracking device, or a mutant power, and none of those come into play.

Coven and his team of traveling henchmen are the luckiest, most lazy antagonists in film history.  All they do is show up after Michael and his associate Giulia (Nicole Sherwin) have made an important discovery and steal their clues, only to hope Michael and Giulia (it’s pronounced “Julia” and therefore should be spelled “Julia” in my opinion) continue their investigation and make more discoveries without the clues in order to lead them to the . . . (dramatic pause) . . . Da Vinci Treasure.  You see, it seems that Da Vinci’s works hold a key to a lost treasure full of gold doubloons or something like that.

One of the key clues involves the Shroud of Turin, which apparently has something to do with Leonardo Da Vanci.   In true National Treasure fashion, our heroes set out to steal the Shroud, which it turns out is kept by those darn Catholics in a sub-basement under a church in *cough* “Italy.”

One of the recurring themes of the Da Vinci Treasure comes into play in the not unforgettable Shroud of Turin theft: Doors that ought to be locked aren’t.  Our heroes don’t have to pick a lock or anything, they simply walk through a few doors, down some stairs, and boom! there’s the Shroud of Turin.  “Who would look here?” Giulia asks, as if that makes sense why the priceless artifact isn’t kept in a room that ought to hold nothing more important than the Pope’s Foosball table.

If you’re looking a drinking game, look no further than bizarre and unnecessary graphics flashing on the screen.  Director Peter Mervis has chosen to instill in the Da Vinci Treasure oodles of odd effects graphics that occasionally flash key Leonardo Da Vinci related visuals and character bios that include critical details usually reserved for B-movie trading cards like eye color, weight, and occupation.

The back cover of the DVD promises: “An explosive finale that will shake the foundations of Christianity,” but I’m relatively sure that’s a slight exaggeration.  A denunciation by Deputy Dog would be more devastating than the Da Vinci Treasure. I wouldn’t recommend showing the Da Vinci Treasure in Sunday School (primarily since it’s not quite worthy of showing in theaters), but the film doesn’t really even imply anything terribly blasphemous. 

The closest I can recall is the inference that Da Vinci created the Shroud of Turin and the Shroud is not Jesus’ authentic burial cloth.  Since the Shroud really isn’t the cornerstone of anything — I’ve never heard it mentioned from the pulpit once in 30 years of church services — I feel safe in offering an official response: “So?” The Shroud is kinda neat and it would be cool if it’s real, but if it turns out to be a brilliant 12th century fraternity prank, I doubt you’ll see a single Christian breaking out the sackcloth and ashes.

Actually, Leonardo Da Vinci, not Christianity, emerges worse for wear in the Da Vinci Treasure, for those deeply concerned.  Lance Henriksen’s character accuses Da Vinci of being a homosexual fond of “pretty young boys” and inventing the first sex toys.  Yikes!  This is the biggest hit Da Vinci has taken since being prominently featured in the Bruce Willis disaster Hudson Hawk, which has a permanent home in our Movies Banned by the Geneva Convention collection.  Of course, the greatest honor to date for Mr. Vinci was having a Ninja Turtle named after him, so I think he comes out ahead in the end.

There is actually another indication from the DVD that not only did the marketing department not actually watch the movie, neither did the MPAA (the company responsible for grading films R, PG-13, PG, etc.).  The film is listed as “R” with the description reading: “Strong Horror Violence/Gore, Nudity, and Language.”  I just saw the movie, and can attest that none of that stuff is in there, other than the language, which is relatively benign with a few scattered “F bombs.”  The violence is pretty tame too, so I’m not sure if hideous, stomach churning violence was in the script and they just couldn’t afford it, or the false promise of gruesome beheadings was intended to be some sort of attraction.

Interesting aside: I skimmed the imdb.com pages for credits of some of the lesser known actors, and was particularly struck by the resume of Alexis Zibolis, who played Coven’s sexy henchgirl.  Not only had I not heard of any of the TV shows/movies she’d done previously, let me rattle off some of her character names: “Radiologist”, “Screaming Student”, “Nurse 3″, “Girl in gym”, “Sexy Hot Club Chick”, and my personal favorite: “Not Ms. Park.”  How important is the character who is simply described as not being another character?  Hmm.

–Daniel J. Roos loves Asylum movies, terrible though they be, and he is slightly ashamed of that fact.