Film is Pwn

Editorial note: In addition to my work on Film Is Pwn, I also am a contributing writer for the premiere film and television beariodical, Entertainment Bearly.  As a half-man/half-bear I am uniquely qualified for such a dual task, though I feel obliged to point out to you, my Film Is Pwn audience, that this particular article was written for bears by a (half-)bear.  Feel free to read on . . . if you bear!  Sorry, I promise that’s the last bear related pun (of this bearagraph — I mean paragraph. Sorry again).

Before I get to my Movies for Bears column this week, a quick note from management: If you hear about a Bear Rally on Wall Street, it’s not what you think, so please don’t go; if you go, please do not feed the bankers. Now, on to the film:

Grizzly Rage is the tale of a single mother whose only child is murdered by a cruel, merciless pack of homo sapiens, and her righteous pursuit of justice and . . . (dramatic pause) . . . revenge.

Four teenage humans break into a Canadian wildlife preserve for illegal off-roading, and in the process they hit and kill the only cub of Bearina (Bearverly J. DeMint), a very large and very rageful Mama Grizzly.  The humans’ horseless carriage is damaged when they run into a tree due to their own stupidity. Stupid humans!

Bearina finds Cubby (Macaulay Bearskin), and who can forget that mournful soliloquy: “Cubby, what a mighty bear you would have been!  You were the apple of my eye, oh my sweet Cubby!  I shall avenge you!”

The cowardly, furless freaks flee without stopping to face proper Bear justice.  In the spirit of being fair and balanced, Bear justice involves being mauled to death before the trial, so from the humans’ perspective you can understand their reluctance to capitulate.

Of course, we should applaud the makers of Grizzly Rage for having the courage to cast a real bear in the lead.  The rumors in Beariety that swirled around the film prior to beginning production actually indicated that Steven Seagal was up for the part. *shudder* That would be the biggest set-back for bears in movies since one of us was killed on screen by Anthony Hopkins in The Edge.

Bearina is portrayed rather unrealistically in the movie, as at times she is a single-minded, ruthless tracker and at other points she just loses interest in finishing off the humans when she had two of the humans cornered in their overturned horseless carriage.  Bearina is also shown as having the capability of sneaking up on the hapless, two-legged freaks with ease (while flattering, this isn’t terribly realistic; let’s face it that there’s a reason why bears seldom score metals in Olympic Hide and Seek competitions), though at other points she roars from a distance to unintentionally warn them of her presence. Also peculiar is the shot of toxic waste in the forest, as if implying that Bearina is somehow a radioactive superbear, which, while cool, is rather silly because Bearina never once shoots fireballs like real superbears.

It’s also unclear on how Bearina manages to hurl the humans dozens of feet in the air at multiple points during the story.  Though the attacks are edited heavily, one can only assume that the humans’ stunt doubles were propelled from a trampoline, or we’re expected to believe that Bearina overcame her lack of opposable thumbs and picked up and chucked the pink meatbags like sacks of potatoes with her mouth while suppressing the urge to, oh, I don’t know, BITE the killers of her beloved cub.

What’s strange about the story is that it is told from the perspective of the vicious humans who perpetrated the foul deed on Bearina, perhaps a side effect of the filmmaker’s outdated belief that a bear cannot carry a movie about bears on their own.  Though I didn’t understand the humans language (Humanish, I believe it’s called) enough to understand what they were supposed to be saying, I’m relatively sure the film tried to paint the trespassing cub-killers in a sympathetic light.

Just because one group is human and the other is bear, that makes the humans right?  *Scoff*  The filmmakers, who are all humans for the record, surely deserved the marches and rallies organized by the ABDL (Anti-Bear Defamation League) outside the theaters showing the film.  Of course, we all regret that so many human theater goers were mauled and/or eaten in the ensuing riot.  Even though humans are naturally moist, full of essential vitamins, and so darn tasty, we must remember it’s not okay to eat them . . . at least until our scientists can overcome the “thumb gap” and we can rightfully take our place at the top of the food chain!  Huzzah!

Still, Grizzly Rage has a happy ending (all the humans are killed and the bear lives), so I’ll let it slide despite it’s tinge of speciesism.  I know it’s easy for we in the bear community to get excited by one of our own being featured in a big screen movie, I think it’s worth noting that by human standards this is a pretty crappy, low-budget fare with no notable human actors.

I know I harp on this topic almost every article I write in this bearodical, but I think it would greatly assist in our effort to be more regarded by humans and have a better chance of being put in big movies if we were to reveal to them the supernatural abilities that every bear possesses, such as the capacity to fly, we are brilliant singers, and the fact that we instinctively know what in the bear hell is happening on the TV show Lost.

If THAT doesn’t impress humans, nothing will.

–Daniel J. Roos, pictured below having dinner with one of his co-workers, wishes to assure Film Is Pwn readers that when bears rule the world, they will be eaten last and only as a last resort.