Film is Pwn

There are some movies I feel that I should like even though I’ve seen them and know for a fact I did not really enjoy that movie the first time.  One such film is the Phantom, starring Billy “It’s a Walk-Off!” Zane, in his one serious brush with being a legit movie star.  (Spoiler warning: Billy Zane is not a movie star, unless you count a supporting role in Uwe Bol’s opus-to-awful Bloodrayne as being a “movie star”.)

Why shouldn’t I — or anyone — like the Phantom?  It’s an olde school adventure film, true to it’s comic strip origins and reminiscent of 1930s serials (the film is even set in the 1930s, whitewashed of the Great Depression).  It’s got thrills, chills, romance, and a skeleton that strangles a dude!  The Phantom hearkens back to the exploits of Indiana Jones, a time when people used to use the word “hearkens” in sentences without fear of reprisal. 

Speaking of Indiana Jones, Indy’s adverture/action with tongue-in-cheek humor is clearly the cinematic model being followed in Phantom.  The violence, language, and sensuality in the Phantom are all in that relatively safe “PG” territory where all but the sensitive of kids can enjoy it.  Elaborate stunts are performed the old fashioned way, there are a number of exciting chases and action scenes, and – the cherry on top – the Phantom’s Dad is played by one of my favorite actors, the late great Patrick McGoohan in one of his final film roles.  (Interestingly, Indiana Jones’ Dad was played by Sean Connery, the original James Bond, and McGoohan declined the role of Bond after Connery stepped aside. Yes, Roger Moore got Patrick McGoohan’s sloppy seconds.)

I’ve watched the Phantom in part or in whole about once every three or four years since it’s release in ‘96, and each time I walk away disappointed.  And after each recurrence, I gradually forget that the actual film fails to sufficiently entertain to justify a recommendation and, as time passes, instead the false impression that this movie, which by all accounts should be good, just ain’t.  (I screened the film the other night with the preconception I’d enjoy it and write a glowing review, but as you have surmised that isn’t happening.)

The Phantom tells the tale of a family of super heroes, whose patriarch was shipwrecked as a child and raised by natives, and swore to defend justice and fight piracy and evil.  And for four hundred years a male child of the lineage has donned purple tights that would make the most shameless wrestler blush and fought jungle crime, whatever that is.  Along the way the Phantom cultivates a mystique and multi-cultural and species friends, including loyal pet wolf Devil and a horse.  The horse and wolf can communicate, it turns out, and convey messages like where the Phantom is going to need a horsie ride in the near future.  I rode a horse once and the only message it was capable of delivering to me was: “Get off, fatso!”  It wasn’t in English, granted, but I got the message . . .

While much of the film feels like a callback to Indiana Jones films past, strangely the object that the villains and heroes are pursuing is a set of exotic and supernatural skulls.  Not crystal skulls, but you get the idea.  The antagonist is Xander Drax (Treat Williams), an evil, ruthless businessman (is there any other kind in Hollywood films?) whose name hearkens (there’s that word again!) back to a time when the letter X represented malevolence and mystery.

Xander has a head goon named Quill (James Remar) who also happens to be the guy who killed this Phantom’s Dad (McGoohan), who gives his son sage advice despite being dead.  (He’s the Phantom of the Phantom, you might say.)  Oh, and there’s a gang of flying, female pirates that are in cahoots with Drax, and the gang led by none other than a young, not yet a star Catherine Zeta-Jones.

The love interest is Diana Palmer (Kristy Swanson), who was this Phantom’s love interest in college before he was called back to the “family business” after dear ol’ Dad was killed.  Naturally, Diana is a spunky, feisty, adventurous troublemaker who runs afoul of Drax and his legion of goons, and naturally the Phantom is there to save her.  Is it just me or is every female love interest from modern films depicting the first half of the twentieth century particularly “spunky” and “feisty” to offset for the fact they are also required to play the damsel in distress - tied up in the villain’s lair - at a certain point in the film?

What struck me while watching the Phantom this go-round is how it just plain wasn’t funny.  Billy Zane as the Phantom laughs at his own jokes more than I did, which isn’t a good sign.  The villainous duo of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Treat Williams chew the proverbial scenery with great aplomb, but other than that, there’s not a lot of discernible entertainment on screen.  And if the Phantom doesn’t work as a tongue-in-cheek action-adventure-comedy, what do you have, really?

We’ve got a purple superhero fighting crime.  Because, in the depth of the jungle, purple is the perfect camouflage.  Or is that the Phantom likes to lure his enemies into a false sense of security by making them think that SuperBarney is coming at them?  Or maybe the outfit comes in handy if you have to hide in a barrel of grapes? You know, the DVD cover features the Phantom’s patented skull ring glowing, which makes him look like The Purple Lantern. If the feature film of the DC Comics character the Green Lantern ever gets off the ground, they could rechristen the film The Purple Lantern and rake in the money.

I really feel kinda bad about trashing the Phantom, and maybe there’s a hokey charm to it that I’m too cynical to appreciate.  But I must call them as I see them, and I don’t think I’ll be seeing the Phantom anytime soon. 

Daniel J. Roos asks that if he tells you the Phantom is a pretty good movie you refer him to this article to remind him that he does not, in fact, like the movie.