Film is Pwn

Changeling is an excellent movie.  For some reason Changeling wasn’t a big attraction in theaters (it earned a paltry $35 million, about $100 million less than Eastwood’s Gran Torino, which was released later in 2008). Curiously, Changeling only received 44% favorable rating from Top Critics on Rotten Tomatoes, though the Rotten Tomatoes community (read: not snooty film critics) gave it exactly double, an 88% approval rating.  Further testament to how Changeling has connected with the general audience is on imdb.com, which has it not only with 8.1 stars our of a possible ten, but Changeling is currently in the Top 250 best rated films OF ALL TIME according to the site’s fans.

Still, Changeling wasn’t up for any significant Academy Awards, other than Jolie receiving a nomination for her harrowing portrayal of a mother fighting a corrupt system in her struggle to recover her missing son.  Why didn’t the film garner a larger audience or praise from the elitist critics despite being liked by the masses?  I’ll get to that, but first a relatively brief synopsis of the story, which is based on a true story:
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A clip from a Japanese TV show called “Kamen Rider” that features the villainy of Starfish Hitler and the heroism of a reject from the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.  This If you are going to operate heavy machinery in the next 24 hours, please go no further:

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Yes, it’s that long awaited battle between the notorious Alien and that Predatory, alien Hunter fellow.  Ever innovative, the writer of Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, Pirates of Treasure Island, The Da Vinci Treasure, and The 13th Day of the Month is on a Friday (sadly, I only made up that last one, the other three are real films) comes a totally original movie, unlike anything that has EVER appeared on television before.  Imagine, an otherworldly “Hunter” who likes to hunt galactic game, battling a monstrous Alien, right here on Earth!  And do you want star power?  AVH: Alien vs. Hunter not only features the acting prowess of that guy from The Greatest American Hero but Michelle Pfeiffer . . . ’s sister!  Wowwy wow WOW!

The dueling aliens arrive in a mountain town in the middle of nowhere populated by approximately ten citizens.  Despite the lack of citizenry, the town has a newspaper and an intrepid reporter named Lee (William Katt), who stumbles over the Alien ship that landed and sees the town’s only police officer killed.  Lee picks up Tammy (Wittly Jourdan), the town’s official black teenage girl, whose mother is missing and presumed dead.  The duo flee and regroup to Lee’s house, where Tammy berates him under the presumption that, since he’s a reporter and she found a note that he had a previous manuscript rejected by a publishing house, he might use this incident to write a book about other people’s tragedies.  This is important because at the end, after just about everyone in his town is dead including her best friend and mother, the happy ending is that Tammy and Lee cheerfully agree to write a book together approximately thirty seconds after the conclusion of the intergalactic showdown.
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Rather than the Academy Awards (yawn) Sunday night, THIS is the movie I watched:

Ah, finally a B-movie about B-movies by the King of B-Movies for fans of B-movies who can appreciate a hearty drubbing of B-movies.  Bruce Campbell’s opus My Name is Bruce is the best B-movie I think I’ve ever seen, seriously.  Have I mentioned this is a B-movie?

Actor Bruce Campbell directs and stars in the role he was born to play, actor Bruce Campbell.  You might remember Bruce Campbell from such movies as the infamous Evil Dead trilogy, the Elvis Presley vs. a mummy in a rest home classic Bubba Ho-Tep, and as the villain in the not unforgettable action epic Ice Breaker.  I’ve been a Bruce fan since I first watched his wonderfully entertaining albeit quickly canceled Western-Sci-Fi-Comedy TV show the Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr.  Bruce is longtime friends with director Sam Raimi, which is why Bruce has had bit parts in just about all Raimi’s films including all three Spider-Man flicks (Bruce as a maitre dee in Spider-Man 3 was the only high point of the film).  Sam Raimi’s brother Ted Raimi makes amends for his work in Planet Raptor and appears in three separate, stereotype celebrating roles including Luigi the Lost Mario Bros. and Wing the old Chinese dude in My Name is Bruce, all of which were entertaining in a strange kind of way.
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It has been brought to attention that one of the greatest, most wretched knock-off films is getting new life in sequel form.  For all those poor suckers who mistakenly went and saw Transmorphers in Summer of 2007 when you thought you were going to Transformers, your nightmare has returned as with Transformers 2 there will be, released on June 23rd, 2009 . . . TRANSMORPHERS 2!!!!  If you don’t believe me (and I wouldn’t blame you, go to Transmorphers 2’s imdb.com page here.  You can also read my previous blog on the original Transmorphers here.

A bonus for this year is another direct-to-dvd venture staring Lorenzo Lamas titled, I kid you now, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  Wow.  Good times a comin’, people!!!!

–Daniel J. Roos

For some reason the title “Ghosts of Mars” makes me think of a Scooby Doo feature film, something akin to Scooby Doo & The Ghosts of Mars.  Scooby Doo always had those silly villains that sported a combination of gimmicks like the Pirate Ghost, the Loch Ness Phantom, and the Bigfoot’s Personal Assistant.  “Zoinks, Scoob!  It’s like *gulp* th-th-th-the guh-Ghost of Mars!” (Ghost of Mars is unmasked.)  “Actually, it was Old Man McGulley.  He wanted to scare everyone off of Mars so that he could have all the Mars Bars to himself!” “And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been fer you durn space kids!”

Thanks to attaching the prefix “John Carpenter’s” it is reasonable to deduce that Scooby Doo is not involved, as Mr. Carpenter is the man who brought us John Carpenter’s Halloween, John Carpenter’s the Thing, John Carpenter’s Escape From New York, and John Carpenter’s Muppet Babies.  Though it does give me an idea for the ultimate franchise crossover: Scooby Doo & Halloween.  I don’t like slasher-horror movies, but if Michael Myers were to hunt down Fred and his smug little ascot, I might make an exception.  Then there would be no one standing between me and my one true love, Daphne.  But I digress . . .

John Grisham’s John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars is the touching, true story of a team of soldiers who go to one of those unruly Mars mining towns in order extract a notorious prisoner named James “Desolation” Williams.  A moment to ponder on touch guy nicknames: How does a rough, tough, and all-around bad dude with his own gang acquire the moniker “Desolation?”  Desolation implies loneliness, dreariness, and solitude, and I would think that the whole “loyal gang” thing would nullify being “desolate.”  Or did Desolation not realize that “desolation” isn’t remotely cool or desirable in any capacity?  He’d be better off branding himself as James “Mittens” Williams, for Pete’s sake! . . . I digressed again, didn’t I?
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I entered the theater to see Push with the most modest of expectations: An amusing diversion.  That’s not too much to ask, is it? I knew from the trailer it was a sci-fi-ish action movie, which for someone of my sensibilities (read: likes good action movies and especially crappy action movies) it would be up my alley one way or another.

Boy was I wrong, unless my alley was a confusing, pointless place where people I didn’t care about did things that made no sense and considered themselves very clever in doing so.  Oh, and that alley is also splattered with a vibrant color palette that serves no purpose other than to rival Speed Racer in the category of “unnecessarily colorful film” category.

Push takes you into a magical world of young, angst filled people born with special abilities . . . like the X-Men!  And they are hunted by a shadowy organization with remarkable resources without a defined purpose . . . like in Jumper!  The range of abilities the heroes and villains of Push are remarkably similar to those of a collage of the skills known only to Jedis and a few select X-Men (those guys again!).
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If ye’re lookin’ fer a good Western, stranger, and ya ain’t in a perticular hurry, why I reckon Appaloosa is the talkin’ picture fer ya.  This is the most easy-going Western in the ol’ West.  Nobody’s in a rush to git nowheres, whither it be a threatenin’ a feller’s well-bein’ or a courtin’ the lady folk.  So mosey on down to the local talkin’ picture boutique and rassle ya a copy of Appaloosa!

Okay, I’ll stop talking like that now.

Every year or two, there’s a new Western from A-list stars that is critically acclaimed and is credited with attempting to revive the dying Western genre.  Of course the Western is not dying, it’s just been relegated to a novelty that occasionally gets dusted off when a star like Ed Harris decides he wants to make a Western.  Appaloosa is the latest film to re-re-re-re-revive the Western, just recently released on DVD/Blu Ray.  Though technically it’s not an A-list project, featuring Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, and Jeremy Irons, but it’s still a B+-list project (Renee Zellweger, I grant you, is an A-lister).
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I recently had a chat with Film is Pwn’s most prolific contributing writer Daniel J. Roos that was intended to be an interview featuring questions equal parts prepared and probing but devolved into a conversation rather rapidly. Think of it as a written podcast (is there such a thing as a “podtext”?) until the return of the audio podcasts, which is one of the topics we touched upon. Among the others is: the love of film, the appreciation of dreadful films, Film is Pwn’s future, and the actual location of absentee Film Is Pwn founding father Tom Stephens.  Read on:
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This has to be the strangest trailer I have ever seen, a bizarre parody involving giants wearing diapers protecting Japan against various monsters.  Words do not do it justice, though “disturbing” does spring to mind.  See it for yourself . . . IF YOU DARE!
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Fact: The original Half Past Dead (2002) was the last Steven Seagal film given a theatrical release.  Fact: Steven Seagal has starred in 15 movies since; all of them have been direct-to-DVD.  Fact: Someone had the bright idea to do a sequel to Half Past Dead and release it straight to DVD (despite AMC Theaters rumored plea to give it a major theatrical release).  Fact: Steven Seagal does not appear in Half Past Dead 2, which I can only assume was over creative disputes over potential direction for his character and not a financial issue.  Still, in light of Mr. Seagal’s absence, I must issue this Personal Statement: What a rip-off!

The title was derived from the fact that Seagal’s character flatlined and was brought back to life, i.e. he went “Half Past Dead,” having nothing to do with the plot that involved Seagal being imprisoned in New Alcatraz as some rogues try to break into prison to rescue a death row inmate who hid millions of dollars in gold.  The cheap sequel has nothing to do with going half past dead, and everything to do with prisons, hence the title is completely unrelated to the film which is the least substantive criticism I can give to this turkey but somehow I feel it’s worth mentioning.

I’m sure my fellow Half Past Dead enthusiasts — we call ourselves Half Past Deadheads and mead bi-annually at a convention in San Francisco affectionately dubbed HaPaDeCon– will join me in saying the original movie was made great by the stellar chemistry between large, uncool but tough white guy Steven Seagal and his diminutive, hip black amigo played by rapper Ja Rule.  Although neither Mr. Seagal nor Mr. Rule appear in HPD2, but their broad stereotypes live gloriously on in large, uncool but tough white guy Bill Goldberg and his diminutive, hip black guy amigo played by rapper Kurupt.
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Lakeview Terrace is a racially charged drama set in the suburbs of Los Angeles that is not quite raw, but is certainly a delicacy at medium rare nonetheless.
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