Film is Pwn

How is it that Steven Seagal, an actor who is amiable in his way, never did a single “good” movie?  He’s done some “OK,” fun/bad action movies and lots of flippin’ awful stuff, but not a single good movie.  The one enormous caveat in that statement is that Seagal, without a good movie to his resume, has one GREAT movie to his name: Under Siege. 

Under Siege in a nutshell is “Die Hard on a Battleship.”  But in my personal opinion after rewatching both great action films in the past two months, Under Siege eclipses Die Hard.  Yeah, I said it, you die hard Die Hard enthusiasts, and I didn’t stutter: Under Siege is better than Die Hard.  (Random thought: If you are a lukewarm Die Hard fan does that make you an oxymoron?)
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I have not yet seen Fireproof yet, but I was reminded of my admiration for this little movie that could when I read an article at nationalreview.com more on the movie’s success than the movie itself.  You can check out the article here. 

For those unaware, Fireproof is a family friendly movie made by Christians with a positive message about seeing a marriage through tough times.  Other than Kirk Cameron, no one in the cast is an experienced or trained actor.  Everyone, including Cameron, volunteered their time for the movie which was filmed on a shoe-string budget.  

Despite being dismissed by most critics (the same critics that love utter crap like Benjamin Button and Babel, so what do they know?), Fireproof came from outside the studio system blew away expectations at the box-office grossing approximately $33 million.  Every person I know who has seen the movie (and there have been several) give it a hearty recommendation, and on their behalf I endorse it as well.  I’ve never written a blog to praise a film I haven’t seen, but the fact that Fireproof’s success is a testimony to the financial viability of bonafide family – if not outright Christian – films.  Hollywood can finance Mike Myers’ the Love Guru but not one mainstream film designed to appeal to the enormous religious portion of the population?
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I’ve got a confession: I saw Max Payne a week ago and I’m just now getting around to writing this because for some reason I had no reaction or opinion worthy of putting finger to keyboard.  I rented the movie in Blu Ray, and it kept me entertained for the duration and the movie looked really good on my rockin’ cool TV.  As I try to write an informative and, time permitting, witty blog on the subject of Max Payne, all I can think about is the Simpsons episode where Homer changes his name to “Max Power.”  Mmmmmm . . . Simpsons. 

But I must blog on Max Payne, for the simple reason I haven’t seen any movies recently other than the Wrestler over the weekend.  Incidentally, have you heard that the Wrestler’s Academy Award nominated star the Mickey Rourke is going to be wrestling an actual match at WrestleMania?  That’s method acting, people! 
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Darren Aronofsky’s the Wrestler is a very good, very gripping, and profoundly sad movie about a fallen star, holding on to the last straws of faded glory. 
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The 2009 Academy Awards are out, and there’s not a lot to get excited about, in my humble opinion.  For those curious: Yes, those elitist snobs at the Academy didn’t so much as nominate for ONE FLIPPIN’ AWARD the people’s consensus for Best Picture . . . Anaconda 3: Offspring.  I mean David Hasselhoff should have been a lock for getting a best supporting actor nod. And why do they say no nominations for Anaconda 3?  Because it technically didn’t debut in theaters but on the Sci-Fi Channel.  Bah!  Technicalities!  It’s almost enough to make me up and quit blogging on movies altogether, but that’s not what Tom Stephens, Film is Pwn founding father, would have wanted.  (For those new to the site, Tom is currently undercover infiltrating the gang of notorious gangster Benjamin ‘Lefty’ Ruggiero.  Its a secret, so don’t tell anybody, okay?)

Sorry about that rant, I haven’t been sleeping very well lately.  Back in reality: Some terrific summer movies like the Dark Knight and Wall-E got mostly ignored in the major categories.  It’s sad that two colossally entertaining, deeply thought-provoking films were shut out of Best Picture contention for – presumably – the sin of being too commercial.  Some might take solace that Wall-E is up for Best Animated Feature, with the competition being Bolt and Kung Fu Panda.  Those two cartoons are above average and entertaining, but they aren’t anywhere NEAR Wall-E’s league.  And don’t tell me the Academy got it right just because Heath Ledger was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his unforgettable performance as the Joker.  If those jokers (Academy Award voters, I mean) didn’t vote for Heath’s Joker, the Oscars would lose the prestiege war with the Kid’s Choice Awards.  Heath Ledger’s near-certain victory is probably the one reason to watch the show . . . or at least check out the clips on youtube the next day. 

It’s sad to say that I have yet seen any of the movies in the Best Picture category as of yet.  Some might say that proves that myself or the Oscar voters are out of touch; my contention is that this fact only proves that I haven’t seen any of the Best Picture nominees as of yet.  Though as a take a second look, the only one of the five I have any desire to see is Frost/Nixon.  You’d have to pay me a LOT of money to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  I wouldn’t partake of Sean Penn’s Milk if my life depended on it.  I’m ambivalent to The Reader and Slumdog Millionaire.  I’d also complain that the Wrestler was omitted, but that would force me to admit I haven’t seen that film either (it opens in Charlotte tomorrow, at which point I will see it). 

For those interested, here is the full list of nominees:
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My last blog was on Man-Thing, the feature film version of Marvel Comics’ lurking, green, swamp monster that first appeared in the comics universe in 1971.  Today, to mix things up, I’m going to blog on Swamp Thing, the feature film version of DC Comics’ lurking, green swamp monster that first appeared in the comics universe in 1971. 

(Random thought: If they make a movie about Fantastic Four member “the Thing,” should that film [Fantistic Four Origins: The Thing], Man-Thing, and Swamp Thing forge a new trilogy that can be referred to as the THING Cycle??? Huh, get it?! No? Really? You never heard of Wagner? Opera? No one?)

Of course, while Man-Thing got a ignoble, straight-to-Sci-Fi Channel release in 2005 featuring a cast of no names, Swamp Thing was a high profile project of noted horror director Wes Craven, starring Adrienne Barbeau, who at one point was not only a star but considered to be gorgeous. 

I don’t want to sound cruel, but Barbeau looks a Romulan with big, 80’s style hair.  In fairness, Barbeau is a capable actress and would go on to greater fame by making not one but TWO guest appearances on Murder, She Wrote and providing the sultry voice of Catwoman in Batman: The Animated Series.  And, when you mix the acting talents of Adrienne Barbeau and an artist’s rendition of Catwoman, you can’t go wrong.  In fact, when I think back on Swamp Thing in retrospect and replace the image of Barbeau with animated Catwoman, my fondness for the film increases ever so slightly.
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Now, you might think that Man-Thing, which originally debuted on the Sci-Fi Channel, would have its origins in the same “Hey, why not make a movie called, Man-Thing!?” way that got Mansquito made, but Man-Thing is in fact based on a comic book character whose history dates back to 1971.  (Yes, Virginia, there really is a Mansquito.  Read about it here.)

The character wasn’t created when a thing bit a man, as you might think if you were to think about what created Man-Thing rather than simply consulting with your local library for reference material.  As a reformed comic book geek, I can attest that no one really knows or cares what Man-Thing is.  It’s just a pile of walking, violent swamp material that occasionally appears, usually fighting some manner of evil, and then goes away.  Big whoop.

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Another discovery from MGM-HD Channel, the greatest source of bizarre, wonderfully awful gems that you can’t find anywhere else.  This movie sadly is not available on Blu Ray OR DVD. I’d never heard of the movie until I saw it on their channel listing, but I shall never forget the name of . . . Fearless Frank. 

Fearless Frank is the feature film debut of — can it be? — the great Jon Voight, who plays the titular Frank with the exuberance of a caffeine-powered six-year old on Christmas morning and with the intellect of Forrest Gump after a grade-one concussion.  I must offer this aside: Jon Voight, you are a brilliant actor and a man I respect, but if I were you I would buy the rights to this movie so that it can never be seen by a human being not named Voight again.  Your legacy depends on it! 
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Just a quick note on two great actors who passed away in the last two days:  

Ricardo Montalban (1920-2009) I’ll always remember most fondly as the greatest Star Trek villain of all time, Khan, a role he played on a great episode of the original series and then reprised in the first great Trek movie, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  If you have never seen it, you won’t have to be a Trekkie to appreciate the sheer zeal and flair with which Ricardo Montalban delivers lines that – on the page – read as cheesy: “He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him! I’ll chase him ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round Perdition’s flames before I give him up!”  An honorable mention to Ricardo’s role as the villain in the original Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad – classic stuff.

The second passing is a less familiar name and face to some, the great Irish actor Patrick McGoohan (1928-2009) has a special place in my heart.  McGoohan had roles in big movies like Braveheart, Ice Station Zebra, and A Time To Kill, but his claim to fame was playing TV spies in Britain in the 60s, Danger Man and The Prisoner.  The Prisoner is one of the greatest TV shows ever made in my opinion, a subject which you can read me espouse at some length here.  About once a year or so I watch a few episodes of the Prisoner and try to figure out what the heck is supposed to be happening (and I mean that as a compliment!).  McGoohan was an amazing actor with a wonderful delivery that could make the phone book sound like Shakespeare. 

“Bangkok Dangerous” is not only a grammatical nightmare; it is also the name of a woefully pointless and hackneyed car crash passing as a major motion picture.

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Episodes 3 & 4: 10:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.

Random thoughts from the second night of the 24 premiere:

•  Pre-show random anecdote, I had a lot of fun at work with a friend who is a fellow 24 aficionado but had recorded and not seen Sunday’s show (I figured this out when she called in the morning to say, “I haven’t seen 24!  Don’t talk about it!”).  So the rest of the day I peppered her with false spoilers just to amuse and annoy her, my favorite among them: “I can’t believe they turned Jack into a transvestite!” “Did Chloe always have superpowers?  I don’t remember her flying before.” “I couldn’t get used to the laugh track on the show last night, but I guess I’ll get used to it.” 

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This has nothing at all to do with movies or TV – the kind of thing I usually post over at my myspace page – but it’s so flippin’ hilarious that I have to post it here too.

Talk about PR, PETA (People for Extra-crazy Treatment of Animals) has a cause worth fighting for!  Apparently, we are to call “fish” . . . (dramatic pause) . . . “sea kittens”.  I can’t make this stuff up; if I could, I’d be a millionaire comedian.  Read all about it:
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