Film is Pwn

To be frank, I’ve never been relieved to detest a movie before, but that day and that movie is here. 

You must understand that I just turned 30 years old and I was worried that some magic switch would be turned in my head and I would stop finding a perverted sense of delight in incompetent action movies like The Order of the Black Eagle and instead start thinking that the Coen Brothers are geniuses.  Well, I’m 30, crappy action movies are still totally freakin’ fun, and as far as the latest effort by the revered Joel & Ethan Coen, Burn After Reading, I hated it.  To say that “I hated” Burn After Reading doesn’t really cover my sentiment fully.  I absolutely despised it.  It was hideous.  Ninety minutes of my life I’ll never get back.  I’m only revisiting the memories long enough to write this review in order to prevent as many of you good readers from enduring the torture that is Burn After Reading.  With every minute of free time I have at my disposal I will spend at my local Hollywood Video blocking people from getting a copy of this steaming pile o’ crap DVD.

(To be fair, the Coen Brothers have made good movies – I liked O Brother Where Art Thou? and No Country For Old Men was really good, but that’s it.  Fargo is regarded as a modern masterpiece, and I can’t think of a movie I detest more.  The only Coen Brothers movie I’ve seen twice was the Hudsucker Proxy, and while I kinda liked it the first time, you’ll note its glaring absence from the short list of “good movies” by the Coens.  For the list of “bad movies” – see the rest of the Coen library.)

Burn After Reading is a story of idiots, letches, and losers, all loosely connected.  The actions of these people have no consequences to anyone but themselves, and sense I don’t care about them as a result of their loathsome nature, I couldn’t possibly muster up any interest in this film.  If not for the fact that A-list actors like being in Coen movies, no one could care about any of these people.  I can acknowledge that the A-list cast is universally good at their roles, but quality performances can’t salvage a depraved story about hollow people doing repugnant things.

George Clooney plays letch Harry Pfarrer, a unimportant government employee having an affair with snooty, frigid Katie Cox, played by Tilda Swinton.  Katie is married to mid-level CIA analyst with anger management issues Osbourne (John Malkovich), who recently quit for no real reason and has decided to start writing his memoirs.  The unfinished and unimportant memoirs somehow end up in disc form in the hands of local gym employees and certifiable nitwits Linda (Frances McDormand) and Chad (Brad Pitt). 

Linda and Chad start out not entirely unlikable, but that doesn’t last.  Linda is pathetic and vain in a sad sort of way, as she is trying to get money for plastic surgeries to prevent the horror of aging gracefully.  Chad is an energetic airhead.  Both of them jump at the chance to extort Osbourne with a reward for the return of perceived top-secret information.  When Osbourne doesn’t play ball and – true to form – gets angry, they decide to sell the disc to the Russians.  The joke is the information is worthless, which means the activities of this “league of morons” are meaningless.  (John Malkovich declaring to another character that he belonged to a “league of morons” is the best line of dialogue in the film.)

Since the MacGuffin (Hitchcockian term for an object that drives the plot but could be anything) is derided for having no importance by unnamed CIA agents played by David Rasche and J.K. Simmons, what’s the point?  Well, I understand Burn After Reading is a “dark comedy,” but since it’s not particularly funny, I ask again: what’s the point?

The only character that shows any hint of basic decency is Ted (Richard Jenkins), Linda and Chad’s boss at the gym.  He pines for Linda, and tries to tell her she doesn’t need surgery, but she is oblivious to his affection as she desperately tries to change herself so that she can have someone’s affection.  Of course, it’s a dark comedy, so Ted ultimately does something terribly stupid for Linda, and meets a grisly fate.  I think Ted’s death is supposed to be comedic rather than sad, but I’d stopped caring long before then. 

I recognize this may be a matter of taste as some folks like dark comedies where nothing happens but cruelty, decadence, and suffering, but I can’t stress how much I hated this movie.  This is one of my least favorite movies of 2008, easily.

–Daniel J. Roos

Upcoming blogs:
→2008 retrospective (best and worst movies, and the best worst movies, and any other awards that spring to mind)
→January 2009 theatrical releases preview (hint: slim pickings ahead)
→Unmasking the Idol (the predecessor to my favorite worst movie ever, The Order of the Black Eagle)
→Half Past Dead 2 (direct-to-DVD sequel starring former [bad] pro wrestler Bill Goldberg, as even Steven Seagal must have passed on this turkey)