Film is Pwn

I have a confession: I am a lover of all things bears.  I had a teddy bear as a child, my office both at work and home is littered with stuffed bears, bear statues, bear pictures, and a framed photograph of my real life mother beside a life-size Smokey the Bear cut-out that I show to people with the introduction, “Have I shown you a photo of my parents?”  Good pals and casual acquaintances will see me and say, “Bear!” and I know they’re talking about me.  I am a lifetime Chicago Cubs fan, and I can honestly say that my childhood love of the Cubs overrode my father’s Mets fandom and infected him as well.  I tell you that to tell you this: I love the movie the Country Bears, which was given to me for Christmas one year primarily due to my aforementioned arctophilia (“love of bears”).

For those unfortunate souls unaware, the Country Bears is the 2002 Disney film roughly based on a long-time theme park attraction of the same name.  The Pirates of the Caribbean made the jump from Disneyland to big screen with great fanfare and success (not to mention two lackluster sequels), but the Country Bears came first, and didn’t have a lot of fanfare or success. 

Still, in a twisted way that I know has no basis in reality, I am convinced that the Country Bears paved the way for Captain Jack Sparrow and company, and Captain Jack is a cheap knock-off of Big Al.   I would love to see a crossover with Pirates of the Caribbean vs. The Country Bears, in a sort of Aliens vs. Predators style showdown.  That would be money, Hollywood!  You listening, Bruckheimer??!!

But back to defending that crappy, family-friendly, musical, comedy the Country Bears: It’s a fun, innocent little movie.  That’s about all I have.

The plot, such as it is, is vaguely reminiscent of the Blues Brothers meets Blue’s Clues.  It revolves around a young cub named Bearry (get it????), voice of Haley Joel Osment, who has been raised by humans who have raised him as one of their own.  The parents have apparently never revealed to Bearry the horrible secret that he’s adopted, which is obvious to no one except their real son and Bearry’s step-brother.  Bearry is a big fan of the band the Country Bears, who were a big rock ‘n roll act of yesteryear.  After Bearry’s stepbrother drops the bombshell that Bearry was adopted, Bearry runs away from home to seek out the legendary Bear Hall, the mythic home of the Country Bears. 

It turns out that Bear Hall is in shambles and is on the verge of being torn down by a greedy developer named Reed Thimple played by Christopher Walken.  Movies can never go wrong when they feature an evil, over-the-top performance from Christopher Walken.  Bearry embarks on a crusade to get the band back together for a one-night concert to save Bear Hall.  Along the way there is plenty of time to run into various singers, some of whom do some very catchy songs that doesn’t qualify as good music but infectiously sticks in your head until you’re ready to scream. 

B-list singers Krystal and Jennifer Paige provide “The Kid In You” and “Kick It Into Gear”, respectively, which despite being bubblegum pop I genuinely liked, I’m almost ashamed to admit.  Queen Latifah, Elton John, Willie Nelson, Brian Setzer, Wyclef Jean, and Don Henley in one form or another.  Personally, I’d love to have taken a poll of the eight year olds who saw this in theaters in 2002 and asked how many of them knew who Elton John is – heck, I barely know, and I’m almost 30.

There are several bits that the adults in the audience will enjoy, like the scene of the Bears watching a short clip of the short-lived, fictional but uber terrible Country Bears cartoon from the 70s, (“That was baaaad,” is their review). 

The wacky antics of the pair of police officers (Diedrich Bader & Daryl Mitchell) looking for runaway Bearry is more of the kind of corny, silly humor that’s aimed at the little kids. 

Of course, there is a message about getting along and family or something like that, but I don’t think a movie about iconic bear singers really is going to alter too many perspectives about family and world harmony. 

If you’re on the hunt for an innocent, free-spirited movie you can watch with you kids, this is a good one to get.  You will like it the first time through, though I can see a seven-year old watching it thirty-two times in a row and it becoming the bane of their parent’s existence, but, hey, I haven’t got any kids, so what do I have to lose?  Not much, other than respect from my peers for admitting that I have watched and enjoyed the Country Bears.  And I’m not ashamed.  Well . . . maybe a little.

–Daniel J. Roos

Here’s a scene from the movie, which, I’m relatively sure if the wait staff did this at a real restaurant it would a) sound terrible and b) they’d all get fired: