Film is Pwn

January is not typically when Hollywood churns out its A-list stuff.  November-December movies are second only to summer blockbuster in terms of importance, and January we get the leftovers.  For lower tier markets like Charlotte, NC we do get to look forward to some award-bait movies like Gran Torino and the Wrestler, which opened in December in New York and L.A. to qualify for the 2008 awards, and will eek into our town Jan. 9 and 23rd respectively.  Other than that, what do we have to look forward to?  Not too much . . .

JANUARY 9, 2009

GRAN TORINO – Starring Clint Eastwood and Bee Vang
Clint Eastwood in a strange, one-geezer remake of Grumpy Old Men . . . only more violence.  This is the aforementioned Clint Eastwood flick, wherein Clint is an old grizzled tough guy who protects and begrudgingly befriends his Oriental neighbors from increasingly gangbangers.  I’m an Eastwood fan, so I definitely want to see it, though I’m not sure if I’ll see it in theaters or wait for the DVD. 
Rating: Ticket/Rent It


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Just a few ground rules, these are my own hand-selected awards in my own categories, limited to movies released in 2008.  Since I’m here in Charlotte, NC, a few lauded 2008 films in limited release elsewhere, like the Wrestler and Gran Torino, aren’t available for me to watch, so I reserve the right to edit these picks down the road.  Also, I don’t make a distinction between movies debuting on TV/DVD or having a theatrical release, so Sharks in Venice! has every bit as much a chance to win an award as The Dark Knight. *snicker*

Without further ado, here we go:
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To be frank, I’ve never been relieved to detest a movie before, but that day and that movie is here. 

You must understand that I just turned 30 years old and I was worried that some magic switch would be turned in my head and I would stop finding a perverted sense of delight in incompetent action movies like The Order of the Black Eagle and instead start thinking that the Coen Brothers are geniuses.  Well, I’m 30, crappy action movies are still totally freakin’ fun, and as far as the latest effort by the revered Joel & Ethan Coen, Burn After Reading, I hated it.  To say that “I hated” Burn After Reading doesn’t really cover my sentiment fully.  I absolutely despised it.  It was hideous.  Ninety minutes of my life I’ll never get back.  I’m only revisiting the memories long enough to write this review in order to prevent as many of you good readers from enduring the torture that is Burn After Reading.  With every minute of free time I have at my disposal I will spend at my local Hollywood Video blocking people from getting a copy of this steaming pile o’ crap DVD.
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In my December movie preview, I lamented that there was no destination movie for my family’s annual Christmas Day movie excursion.  The film that ultimately won the prize was The Day The Earth Stood Still, with a general consensus that it was the only movie no one vetoed.  My expectations were low, and the film still didn’t hit the mark. 
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I figured since it’s Christmas Eve, I really ought to rent a Christmas movie and not watch another crappy action movie *heavy sigh*.  Here’s the problem: I don’t really like Christmas movies in general, and Santa Claus movies in particular.  So, why did I rent Fred Claus?  Didn’t you read the first part of the paragraph? Somebody around here needs to blog on a Christmas movie!

Fred Claus is the latest attempt to make a hip Santa Claus movie, which invariably involves coming up with another variation on the theme of Santa, reindeer, elves, snowmen, etc.  The last Santa movie I genuinely liked . . . well, I guess it will be the next Santa movie I like.
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Could this be the best, worst action movie ever made?

The Order of the Black Eagle is so loaded, I’m skipping the preamble.  I do want to state for the record that the movie in question, The Order of the Black Eagle is NOT a comedy, at least not intentionally.  It’s an action/spy movie with numerous stunts, explosions, and sets that are pretty expensive by b-movie standards, and that makes the stupidity all the better. Without further ado, let’s go straight to the movie:
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I have a confession: I am a lover of all things bears.  I had a teddy bear as a child, my office both at work and home is littered with stuffed bears, bear statues, bear pictures, and a framed photograph of my real life mother beside a life-size Smokey the Bear cut-out that I show to people with the introduction, “Have I shown you a photo of my parents?”  Good pals and casual acquaintances will see me and say, “Bear!” and I know they’re talking about me.  I am a lifetime Chicago Cubs fan, and I can honestly say that my childhood love of the Cubs overrode my father’s Mets fandom and infected him as well.  I tell you that to tell you this: I love the movie the Country Bears, which was given to me for Christmas one year primarily due to my aforementioned arctophilia (“love of bears”).

For those unfortunate souls unaware, the Country Bears is the 2002 Disney film roughly based on a long-time theme park attraction of the same name.  The Pirates of the Caribbean made the jump from Disneyland to big screen with great fanfare and success (not to mention two lackluster sequels), but the Country Bears came first, and didn’t have a lot of fanfare or success. 

Still, in a twisted way that I know has no basis in reality, I am convinced that the Country Bears paved the way for Captain Jack Sparrow and company, and Captain Jack is a cheap knock-off of Big Al.   I would love to see a crossover with Pirates of the Caribbean vs. The Country Bears, in a sort of Aliens vs. Predators style showdown.  That would be money, Hollywood!  You listening, Bruckheimer??!!
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Not one of the fine, Film is Pwn staff has yet deigned to see number 1 box office blockbuster, the Keanu Reeves-Jennifer Connelly remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still.  The lack of reviews is largely due to disinterest, but in this writer’s case due to derisive incredulity. Why would this movie get remade?  And, judging by the previews and reviews I’ve seen, the 2008 version barely resembles the untouchable 1951 classic. 
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This is a priority 1 Film is Pwn alert!  Tonight – December 14th, 2008 6:52 p.m. Eastern Standard Time – the Sci-Fi Channel will be airing a new movie titled Sharks in Venice at 9 p.m., starring the second greatest Baldwin brother in terms of acting, Stephen Baldwin.  This is an event that I feel should override virtually any planned activities for the evening, whether it be Christmas Caroling, football watching, or open heart surgery.  I will return later in the evening for a complete blog, as I record the event for posterity. 

(Updated 11:04 p.m.) Okay, I’ve just finished watching the movie, and maybe it wasn’t as an important event as I originally thought it might be.  Still, Sharks in Venice delivered on its promise of featuring Sharks in Venice. 

Not since Snakes on a Plane has a title managed to perfectly capture a film’s essence than Sharks in Venice.  The only explanation necessary for the uninitiated is to assure them that no, the titular sharks are not lawyers but actual, Great White sharks, and there really isn’t much more to explain. 
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I just saw Breaker! Breaker!, good buddy!  And for some reason I feel compelled to use as many exclamation points as possible!  Yea!  Exclamation points!  Plus, this is Chuck Norris’ long awaited debut here at Film Is Pwn. Woooo!!!! Chuck Norris!!!!!!!

Breaker!  Breaker! is amovie that hearkens back to a time (barely) before my birth, 1977, when the internet was but a twinkle in Al Gore’s eye, when C.B. radios were all the rage.  C.B. radios consisted of people chatting in trucks or various rooms, often under the guise of “handles” suck as “Big Jake” or “Rubber Duck” or “Oily Pete.”  C.B. radios were the communication engine for truckers, who used it to warn each other of police stakeouts, truckstops with bad chili, and to rant about various conspiracy theories.  So, in short, C.B. radios paved the way for cell phones and served a great national good by entertaining truckers until Rush Limbaugh, CD players, books on tape, and lengthy yet dignified silence came into existence.
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I didn’t expect to like Stardust, but I couldn’t help but be charmed by it.  

Why was I a little gunshy to see the film?  Quite simply because I knew going in only one spoiler: “Robert DeNiro plays a gay pirate.”
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The most ringing endorsement of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s epic Street Fighter movie comes from the most unlikely of sources . . . from the MPAA. 

What is the MPAA, you ask?  They are the group responsible for rating films R, PG, G, etc.  They do not officially comment on films, only their content, with labels to help parents determine what movies may be inappropriate for their kids. 

For example, the 2004 movie Twisted is rated R for Restricted and the rating also includes the advisory: “For violence, language and sexuality.”  If they commented on content, the MPAA would add that Twisted is “hideous, uncouth, and unwatchable,” a fact Tom and I discovered during the now infamous 10 bad movie marathon.

This is where the endorsement comes in.  MPAA rated Street Fighter PG-13: “For non-stop martial arts and action violence.”  In lieu of actual praise from critics, such as the coveted and now dormant “Two Thumbs Up!” (which Street Fighter did not garner, much to no one’s surprise), Street Fighter ads could have very easily appealed to the susceptible masses by claiming: “Non-stop martial arts and action violence!”  That’s what the movie has, that’s all we expect, and that’s all there is, so why not promote it that way?
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