Film is Pwn

Can you hear it? The Transmorphers theme song?
Transmorphers, greater than greets your optical orb
Transmorphers, machines in camouflage

I wrote previously about the woefully lame industry of direct-to-DVD sequels to big budget movies, but there is an even more pathetic cottage industry that shamelessly leeches off overexposed blockbusters. I’m referring to the low-budget knock-off close enough to its inspiration to lure gullible members of the public but different enough to avoid plagiarism lawsuits. For example, two years ago the Samuel L. Jackson opus Snakes on a Plane is generating a lot of buzz, so consequently someone produces a movie titled Snakes on a Train. No, seriously.

Arguably the movie with the biggest buzz in 2007 was Transformers. For legions of children of the 80s who grew up on the Transformers cartoon, myself and my brother included, this was a must see opening night. Based on the freakin’ cool teaser trailer and nostalgia, Transformers was such a phenomenon a year before its release that it practically demanded a knock-off, and that knock-off was Transmorphers.

The makers of Transmorphers faced a predicament though, as their movie needed to be released prior to Transformers, so the exact nature of the movie beyond the teaser trailer, which implied bad robots were coming to do bad things, was not available to directly rip-off. So other than having invading robots able to transform — er, transmorph, I mean — writer-director-editor-co-star Leigh Scott used the opportunity to create his unique vision of the future. Just kidding, of course!

Before delving into Transmorphers, let us explore Leigh Scott’s movieography, which is a testament to the recent history of rip-off films. In 2006 he wrote/directed Pirates of Treasure Island the same year the last Pirates of the Caribbean was released; in 2007 he made Hitchhiker the same year the big-budget the Hitcher remake was released; for fans of The Exorcism of Emily Rose (and I’m not), there’s Leigh Scott’s Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers; and if you liked the Hills Have Eyes, not only are you sick, but you might want to check out Leigh Scott’s Hillside Cannibals. (In fairness, I can’t commentate on the quality of any of the knock-offs, having not seen them, but hey, they’re knock-offs is my point.)

Transmorphers is a mishmash of the following elements: The Transformers trailer and its invading robots; the Terminator’s robot apocalypse; the Matrix’s underground society living in fear of above ground robots; Demolition Man’s dethawed hero (this might actually be Austin Powers . . . ); and the acting prowess of the full force of Lima, Ohio’s community theater. That’s a joke, in case anyone from the Lima Theater reads this – you guys are way better than this cast. It’s amazing that since so few actors are halfway not entirely terrible there are so many speaking roles. Though, in fairness, even if the cast were comprised of talented actors and actresses they couldn’t make this material work. I’m not kidding; one character says, “They’ve breached all perimeters!” ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASSIONS in the SAME INVASION! Did the robots breach “all” the perimeters, retreat, and then breach them again and yet again for robot kicks? Or did the humans just have a lot of perimeters lying around, though that hypothesis would defeat the inclusive statement “all perimeters.”

Oh, and do not let me forget to properly deride the special effects budget that appears to be too cheap to appear on a local used car dealer commercial. The Trix rabbit is more realistic than the robot goons in Transmorphers. The puppet Tom Servo from MST3K could pass for a real robot before these guys.

Being unbelievable isn’t the robots’ only problem; stormtroopers are better shots than these robots. The first scenes build the robots, the smallest of which is easily twice the size of a normal human, as unstoppable killing machines so dangerous that no one’s even destroyed a single unit; the second half is essentially humans trashing armies of robots as if they weren’t tougher than a defective Krugg. One human manages to kick one a robot off him and across the junkyard, which stands in for the post-apocalyptic wasteland.

The humans are a ragtag bunch that gives a bad name to rags and tags. The general in command of human civilization not only looks like she’s a high school student, but she was in command over five years ago when she sent the rebellious hero Mitchell into “deep freeze” for five years. Mitchell, in suspended animation for five years, wakes up to discover the cheerleader/general has married his girlfriend (you read that correctly) and needs him to lead a veritable suicide mission to halt the robots holding the surface. It’s like Judge Dredd meets the Dirty Dozen done as an original production for cable access with actors Sylvester Stallone would consider beneath him (talent-wise, not in terms of height).

The great twist is that Mitchell (spoiler warning . . . as if you’re ever going to see this) is a robot himself! Mitchell is, you might say, a robot in disguise, or perhaps, more than meets the eye. Perhaps the highlight of the film is when Mitchell’s maker reveals to Mitchell that he is in fact an android, and to prove it the scientist reveals some technology on Mitchell’s anatomy . . . or so we can deduce by the sound effects and the performances. They don’t actually have the budget to show machinery on their star, but we can only take their word for it that a shocking revelation has just occurred on a different part of our hero’s body than is currently on camera. Classic stuff.

The method of defeating the aliens is borrowed from Independence Day (which itself borrowed from the Homer’s the Ilead and the Trojan Horse) to add yet another movie to the list of Transmorphers’ source material. It’s worth noting that the cheerleader general at one point says, “Make it so” a trademark of Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Honestly, if auteur Leigh Scott had been a Wonder Woman fan I have no doubt we’d have seen an invisible plane somewhere in Transmorphers. (I recognize one can’t technically SEE an invisible plane, which is one reason why one’s inclusion in Transmorphers would have been a logical step – they didn’t have the budget for the things that do appear.)

I apologize to all the people who made Transmorphers for being especially crude to this trite little pile of steaming movie, I’m sure they’re nice folks who meant well, but this is a disaster. In a strange way, I’m grateful that there are movies like Transmorphers still being made. Because some day someone (hopefully me) will revive Mystery Science Theater 3000, the TV show that made fun of bad movies, and they’ll need a fresh crop of bad movies. Transmorphers is wretched, but with the right group of people it’s hysterical. If you ever see Transmorphers rear its ugly head on cable, invite your funny friends over (I’ll come if you supply me with a can of Pringles and a Sobe Power), and mock, ridicule, and laugh until your sides hurt.

–Daniel J. Roos is tempted to write reviews under the pen name “Roger E. Bert” and see if he can get away with it