Film is Pwn

10,000 B.C. is a bloated Hollywood epic that mistakes the size of its budget for its ability to entertain.

The story revolves around a tribe of cavemen, though since they live in huts in 10,000 B.C., I guess they’re more accurately hutmen, but that makes no sense.  The movie doesn’t make sense, so just go with me on this.  Our hero is D’Leh (Steven Strait), who loves Evolet (Camilla Belle).  Intermixed with grunting, monosyllable caveman speak are little gems like this from young D’Leh and Evolet:

D’Leh: “You will never be alone, Evolet.  Do you say that light?  That one?” (Points to a star.)  “It does not move across the sky like all the others do.  That light is like you, in my heart.  It will never go away.”
Evolet: “It will never go away?”
D’Leh: “No. Never.”

If that kind of dialogue isn’t enough, we’ve got plenty of cheesy, epic action.  If you’ve always wondered how a bare-chested actor would hunt a computer generated wooly mammoth, this movie is for you.  Our tribe is attacked by “four legged demons,” which actually turn out to be some Viking-like fellows on horses.  Not to inject a logic related question, but would a people who regularly hunt gigantic wooly mammoth really consider a regular old horse to be a “four legged demon?” 

The Vikings take some of the cavemen as their prisoners and haul them away, including Evolet. 

D’Leh and his mentor Tic’Tic (Cliff Curtis) go in pursuit.  Yes, the characters name is Tic’Tic.  No word on his wife Boom’Boom.  Others go along as well, such as our hero’s sidekick Baku (Nathanael Baring) who is the first underage sidekick to tag along undetected with the heroes on their quest and be discovered and invited to join said quest.  I know what you’re thinking, “That’s so stupid!  Sidekicks weren’t invented until 2,000 B.C.!”  Let’s ignore that and keep moving, shall we?

Along the way, we come across giant turkeys that play the role of raptors (apparently trademarked by the Jurassic Park franchise) and a friendly “SpearTooth,” called “SpearTooth” because having cavemen say “Sabretooth” would be too unrealistic.  Of course, we are talking about cavemen in 10,000 B.C. who speak better English than most high school seniors, but who am I to object?

Eventually we get to the Vikings home base, where they are collecting slaves to build themselves a giant pyramid to honor their long-finger nailed, human deity.  D’Leh and Tic’Tic come across a number of other tribes that have been victimized by our Pyramid building Vikings, and thanks to one tribesman who speaks English (or whatever language our heroes speak), they all unite!

(My favorite among the many tribes was the ones I dubbed the Wicker People, featuring masks and costumes apparently made out of little more than, well, wicker.  There were far more Wicker Men in this movie than in the Nicolas Cage disaster Wicker Man.)

In their own way, Tic’Tic and Evolet are far ahead of their time.  I mean, this is several millennia before the hero’s girlfriend was routinely kidnapped to motivate the protagonist, and there’s Evolet getting captured, saved, captured, serving as a slave girl, tied to a pole, etc.  And Tic’Tic!  The hero’s elder mentor who goes with our young hero on the mythic quest – anyone want to take bets on whether Tic’Tic makes it to the end?   How long do you think Tic’Tic has left?  Tick tick . . .

Call me crazy, but the movie that 10,000 B.C. most reminded me of was the John Travolta, sci-fi debacle, Battlefield Earth (honorary mention to Antonio Banderas’ fun/bad 13th Warrior and the Native Americans vs. Vikings flick, Pathfinder).  The cinematography is very similar, with a blue hue simulating darkness.  Both movies feature a dirty, filthy outcast from a tribe living in the mountains going to a more technologically advanced people that have enslaved their kind.  Both have characters with no business wearing dreadlocks.  Both are only enjoyed on a fun/bad level where you laugh at it, not with it. 

With the right group of friends, 10,000 B.C. transforms from bloated, caveman, action epic to hilarious comedy.  This is a trend for other movies directed by Roland Emmerich, the man behind the camera for Godzilla (the 1998 remake), The Day After Tomorrow (the run from ice! movie), and Independence Day (’nuff said). 

The alternate ending on the DVD is essentially just a scene that reveals that the narrator who has gotten across plot points ancient exposition cannot get across is actually old Baku (sidekick boy), played by the esteemed Omar Sharif.  From top ten American movie of all-time Lawrence of Arabia to the laughable 10,000 B.C.  Well, at least Omar got a nice paycheck.

This is worth watching only on TV on a Tuesday when you’re home sick. If you skip it, you won’t miss anything, however.

– Daniel J. Roos