Film is Pwn

In order to explain why I am writing a public request for forgiveness to a movie I absolutely adore, I must allow to slip a little bit of film.ispwn.com news: Tom Stephens and I recently recorded the first in what we plan on making a weekly series of movie podcasts that will * knock on wood * available in a matter of hours on the website.  The first podcast was a lot of fun to do, and I hope everyone checks it out as we discuss what we think is an interesting topic, how evironment, mood, and circumstances impact your enjoyment of movies. We laughed with each other and at each other, so if you don’t laugh that makes us very sad.

Although not in the first podcast but in the very near future we will cover each of our ten FAVORITE movies.  Well before recording the podcast, I began to cull the proverbial herd of the dozens upon dozens of movies that I treasure and whittle it down to ten, which isn’t an easy process.  And, I’m sorry, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (a.k.a. MST3K: TM for short), you are not on the list.  This hurts me more than it does you.

Even though I have written about MST3K previously, for those unaware Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a TV show that ran on Comedy Central and later the Sci-Fi Channel from ’89 to ’99.  This is the show that featured a guy who was shot into space on the Satellite of Love by evil scientists and forced to watch the worst movies ever made with the help of his robot pals.  The show was produced on a tiny budget and since it consisted primarily of a bad movie being hilariously mocked by the host and the ‘bots appearing in silhouette form in front of the screen. 

If you’re one of the unfortunate few not to see the show in its original run or discover it on dvd, imagine watching a dreadful movie from the 50s starring masked, Mexican wrestler El Santo fighting vampires.  Sound funny?  Now imagine watching it with a roomful of some of the funniest comedians alive, who have you laughing until your sides hurt at the absurdity of it all.  (A sample quip they’d make is, during a 50s movie as we’re watching a car chase one of the guys comments, “Boy, they sure drove a lot of vintage cars back then.”)

I can’t overstate the importance of MST3K, as I was a bit obsessive regarding the show.  I taped every episode years later bought a DVD recorder specifically to turn my collection onto DVD.  The show caught me in my formative years and helped shape my sense of humor to a large degree.  MST3K is the reason I love watching bad movies with friends and making fun of them and it’s why I love writing humorous blogs on bad movies now.  In fact, the collection of short articles on film and television by former MST3K head-writer Michael J. Nelson turned into book form as “Mike Nelson’s Movie Megacheese” is a major inspiration for my comic look at the bad movies we love.  I intentionally avoid covering any movies I remember from the book so as not to unintentionally infringe on Mr. Nelson, the funniest man alive.

In the infancy of cable television, MST3K was just what the fledgling Comedy Central needed as it was had a simple, uproariously funny, cost effective, and it filled two hours every week.  Long before the Daily Show, MST3K was the ONLY reason to watch Comedy Central.

I vividly remember discovering MST3K in my pre-teen years and falling in love with it, a feeling that hasn’t changed nearly two decades later.  The movies being riffed ranged from the absurd Japanese imports like Godzilla vs. Baragon to 50s Ed Wood no-budget, camp classics.  The jokes ranged from the crass (though never obscene) to the positively erudite. 

While watching one episode on tape with my father one of the robots made a joke using the word “solipsistic” that Dad really enjoyed; I made the error of not laughing, which prompted Dad to stop the tape and take the time to explain that solipsistic basically meant narcissistic.  Of course, then Dad had to explain what “narcissistic” meant, but that’s another story.  (If you don’t know either word, that means you need to look them up in a dictionary.)  One of the beauties of MST3K is that if you don’t get a joke, that’s okay because there’s plenty more to come; they average about 8-10 jokes per minute during the movie segments.  In re-watching some of the old episodes years later I got several jokes then that I didn’t at the time of the original airing, specifically some referring to trees as Ents (having not been familiar with Lord of the Rings, those movies not being made).

In ’93, the original host of the show (MST3K’s creator, Joel Hodgson) had left the show to explore other projects and head writer Michael J. Nelson took over.  In some circles Mike vs. Joel is a more heated debate than Kirk vs. Picard, and I come down on the Mike side of the fence for the record.  In 1996, Mystery Science Theater had a loyal cult following, though the ratings weren’t quite as strong as they’d once been for Comedy Central.  Nevertheless, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie was created and given a limited released in 1996.  It didn’t do well, but outside Comedy Central it wasn’t promoted and it only appeared in one theater in my region for one week.  Despite that, MST3K: TM remains the only movie I’ve seen in theaters more than twice, setting the never-to-be-broken bar at FOUR theatrical screenings.

I loved, adored, and laughed hysterically at the movie all four screenings that week as did the handful of people in the theater with me.  I desperately wanted the movie to be a success, but it did virtually nothing at the box office.  It was far from a disaster, as it earned $2 million, the same as the budget.  Still, those of us hoping for a revitalization of MST3K the TV show, which returned to TV for its final, seventh season on Comedy Central before being salvaged for three more season on Sci-Fi, thanks in no small part to a huge fan movement which I’m proud to say I participated in. 

The movie being riffed by MST3K: TM is a cheesy but well respected 50s movie, This Island Earth, the title receiving the great line: “This Island Earth can be yours, IF the Price is Right!”  It was understandably necessary for the MST3K crew to get a movie that would look good on the widescreen to benefit their movie, and This Island Earth looks good and has plenty of elements to mock.  In it giant headed aliens come to the Earth to recruit our great scientists, and in one scene we see a flying saucer on fire and crashing, which leads to the classic riffs: “`Service engine soon’ – I wonder what that’s all about.”  And, as the UFO flies over some houses: “Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just a weather balloon!”

But looking back on MST3K: TM, as much as I love the film, it is essentially a giant episode of MST3K: The TV Show.  Though it’s giant only in terms of scope, the actual length of the movie is around 74 MINUTES, a solid sixteen shorter than any given edition of the TV show.  (Reportedly the studio wanted the movie very short so there would be more screenings in the day and thereby more money, which may have worked if the movie had been given some promotion or a nationwide release!)

While MST3K: TM has a budget far beyond the shows and they make an effort to introduce the concept to a new audience, it’s essentially the same concept and execution as the show.  And, if I have to be honest, if their movie were considered an episode of the show, I wouldn’t put it in my top ten favorite episodes.  Not because MST3K: TM isn’t funny, just because the TV show is the greatest thing since sliced bread. 

So I have to apologize, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie: You’re awesome, I love you to death, but you are not in my top ten FAVORITE movies of all time.  Still, I highly recommend checking out the movie if you’re not familiar with the show, it’s short, hysterical, and you don’t need to be familiar with the show to enjoy it.

And for you MSTies out there, as an added bonus, here are my choices for the ten greatest Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes.  I know this isn’t a TV show reviewing web site, but every episode is based around a legitimate movie, so I think I’ve found a loophole.  You non-MSTies go check and see the film.ispwn podcast # 1 is up yet.

For the rest of you, my top ten episodes/movies featured are:

10. Episode # 604- “ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE” – Movie features no-less than Adam West as a detective investigating a series of murders by a former, star softball player turned zombie who we’re supposed to be rooting for because he’s avenging his own death and his father’s years earlier. 

9. Episode # 512- “MITCHELL” – Takes a 70s, Joe Don Baker movie and rips it to shreds.  Reportedly, Joe Don Baker didn’t like the treatment of his film so much he threatened in an interview to punch any member of the cast if he ever came across them.  This is also Joel’s last episode as they introduce Mike, and is the only Joel episode on my list (the aforementioned Mike bias coming into play). Here’s a sample from what I assure you is meant to be a chase scene:

8. Episode # 521- “SANTA CLAUS” – A badly dubbed Mexican kids movie where Santa battles the devil.  The movie added the phrase “No, Lupita!” to my daily vocabulary.  What more do you need to know?

7. Episode # 514- “TEEN-AGE STRANGLER” – A terrible, low-budget film that must be seen to believe.  Whiny kid Mikey may be my all-time favorite character in any movie MST3K riffed (“He didn’t steal no bike neither!”).

6. Episode # 624- “SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN” – The aforementioned Mexican wrestling movie.  When a respected professor’s innocent and badly dubbed daughter is targeted to be the new vampire woman he calls on his old friend, masked wrestler El Santo.  Words cannot do this justice.

5. Episode # 1013- “DIABOLIK” – A corny, Italian super criminal/caper movie that’s great fun, plus this is the final episode ever.  It’s funny and sad with a great, ironic ending (the episode not the movie).

4. Episode # 703- “DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL” – The movie has the worst sword fight ever recorded by cameras.  Must be seen to be believed.

3. Episode # 524- “12 TO THE MOON” – The quintessential 50s movie with a multi-ethnic cast chosen for the purposes of being civil minded but it is unintentionally racist any way, as hilariously pointed out by the MST3K’s crew.

2. Episode # 704- “THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN” – The “monster” in this movie is an astronaut who has an accident in space, returns to Earth melting, and for some reason needs to eat people.  Hysterical stuff.  Also the sketches performed between the movie sees the crew gets their revenge on the studio that interfered in their movie via satire.

1. Episode # 619- “RED ZONE CUBA” – The single most inept attempt at cinema ever, including Ed Woods’ movie.  Red Zone Cuba is about, sort of, the Bay of Pigs invasion, which, if the movie can be trusted, was undertaken by about seven people and was repelled by a force featuring no less than Castro himself.  I’m not kidding.

And honestly there are several other classics I’d put ahead of MST3K: TM, so honorable mentions go out to Space Mutiny, The Creeping Terror, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and Prince of Space.  Sincere apologies, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie.  You were honestly #1 in the first draft of my favorite flicks, you’ll always be the only movie I saw in theaters 4 times in one week, but after careful consideration you didn’t quite make the forthcoming podcast featuring my list of 10 FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL-TIME. 

–DJR